Forrest Tree Humps

Christy just took the kids out to dinner and miniature golf. I think today’s hike was a mistake.

I thought that it would be a one hour hike round trip, but I got us super lost and it ended up being close to a four hour hike. At least I will now have a frame of reference to use on Saturday in the car when the kids keep asking “are we almost home?”

I will say, “remember that hike, just pretend that we are going on that hike again, and by the end of your mental hike, we will be home.”

At one point during the hike, I became freaked out (although I do not think I let on to it) that we were very vulnerable to bears. Honestly, at the end of the day, what do I really fucking know about anything having to do with nature? Although I could swear that I heard once that bears do live in the mountains and here we were in the mountains.

I asked Christy nonchalantly, “What do you do if a bear attacks? Make your body all big and act like a bear? Or drop to the ground and pretend to be dead?” She was as clueless and luckily did not seem at all concerned.

After a few hours we came across a forest ranger who was able to guide us back on the trail. I had actually not even realized that we were OFF the trail. Had I noticed, I would have called for help on my phone…

Anyway, the forest ranger was a nice enough guy. He gave us some quick pointers about nature, and told me that bears do not really ever come out in the day time, so fucking phew about that one.

He also told us that in a forest, when a tree falls over, the stump becomes home to living organisms and then a lot of shit happens over time and another tree grows on top of the other tree stump. That is why there are so many trees on mounds in forests.

I told him that “When you are driving in a car on a highway, and you see little oil stains on the road ahead of you it means a little bump is coming up and that the oil stain is left from the previous cars going over the bump and every time a car goes over the bump, a little oil comes out.” Hard to tell if he was looking at me in absolute awe, or if he was looking at me like I was some fucking lunatic mother that probably should never had had kids in the first place.

Well, whatever, no worries and at the end of the day, here we are back safely at the lake house and I learned a thing about forest tree humps.

I am pretty sure I have meningitis as I can no longer move my neck in either direction and I think I may have a fever. Ellie is covered in a rash from head to toe, I am just hoping she did not pick up a venereal disease from the out-house toilet at the base of the mountain.