What Goes Up...

So, today being Thursday, I worked out with my trainer.

I now know what he is training me for… it is quite obvious.

The Special Olympics.

First of all, I must tell you that I have rug burns on my elbows. He had me do so many g-d dammed 'Up Downs' or 'Down Ups' that I literally burned my elbows because, unlike E, I do NOT have a home gym, and we just use our upstairs TV room that has very thick carpeting.

What is a 'Down Up/ Up Down' you are wondering? It is when a fatty like me lies down on the ground, and does a “special” push up. The last time E was with me and I did them in front of her, she laughed out loud and told me I looked like a platypus. Well, excuse me Miss I-can-do-a-one-handed-push-up-while-clapping-in-between, all the while belaying off of a bouncy ball. (E takes training very seriously; and it shows while I just do it so I can eat bread at lunch.)

Anyway, what I would imagine that I look like while doing a 'Down/Up' thing would be a pot bellied pig trying to do a push up while keeping its back legs extended straight out and all its weight being supported by its toes, with its ass in the air (even though my back should be straight and level with my head)

Anyway, Rick had me do a few thousand sets of 'Down/Up' things because we were “strength training” today.

He then had me get on the treadmill for sprints. AND he had me run up and down my stairs several times in a row (6 times to be exact). AND he told me that he would not let me take a break. We did this crazy routine for an hour of switching off from treadmill to stairs, to 'Down/Ups' to abs and then started the whole routine all over again. We did the routine 6 times in an hour.

I literally grabbed his arm and hand at one point while on the last treadmill go-round and made him shout “YOU CAN DO IT!!!” And when I got off the treadmill I fell to the ground and begged him to leave. But then I said “NO, you have to stay in case I have a heart attack.”

At least he complimented me on the workout which is something I have not heard in a while.

After he left I felt so good that I had a sandwich for lunch with TWO pieces of bread, 14 tablespoons of mayonnaise and 13 ounces of turkey. I also had a 1 ounce glass of water.

I continued to treat myself by sitting on the couch to watch Days of Our Lives. I figure with this kind of training routine, I should lose 3 pounds by March.

Sweet!!!

Ass Backwards

Okay, so I heeded my doctor's advice. I started up hard core with the trainer again and have been careful about what I have been eating. I also instructed Adam and Ellie to make pig noises every time they see me eat. Ellie has confused a pig’s snort with a horse’s neigh, but it still works. Adam is actually old enough to just say “Mom, if you eat that you will get fatter and die faster.” He also figured out how to work my Blackberry messenger and leaves immediate voice messages with my trainer if I cheat.

I started today with one of those bullshit energy drinks that my trainer Rick has been pushing on me. It had the same “stroke-like” side effect that the Metamucil has on me, but I figured I would give it a try.

I dropped the kids at school in my rental car with Rhode Island plates. Drama saw me and told me I look “cute” in the car. She also said with Rhode Island plates I can totally ignore certain low-level traffic laws and that the other motorists won't mind because they will just blame it on me being an out-of-towner. (Now you know why she is my other best friend.)

Anyway, E and I usually work out with Rick together on Wednesdays at E’s home in her beautiful home gym. But this morning, she emailed Rick and me that her family had been throwing up since 2am and that she was concerned that we might catch the disease even though her gym is all the way at the other end of her 10,000 square foot home.

It's okay, I cancel all the time too, so no hard feelings. Rick and I agreed to train here at my house. In my home “gym.”

I was a little nervous about today’s session because Rick instant-Blackberried me yesterday that he had read my blog. And ended his message by calling me “Ass.”

Nice.

So when Rick showed up, I knew I could not complain or anything, because I am under the strong impression that I'm on probation with him.

We started by my doing the treadmill. Usually we start with a 5 minute warm up jog, but I laid out the plan for today. “A three minute warm up.” He said “fine, I am just here today to make sure you do not get hurt.”

Just his saying that hurt. Where was the love?

He concentrated very heavily on my abs and arms today. The concentration on abs I could understand but I questioned why he was working my arms so hard. And then I realized that he was trying to cripple me so that I could no longer type.

Anyway, the session went well. At one point, Rick had me doing more shadow boxing moves and I was having a hard time getting it right. I explained to him that I am dyslexic. I take all my tests un-timed and sometimes it just takes me a little longer than others (again emphasizing that I am dyslexic).

He told me that “this is not a reading exercise.” To which I responded “that is a HUGE misconception about dyslexia; that it does NOT only affect how people read letters or numbers.” He told me that I was wrong and I told him that after our session, I would Google it and prove it to him.

Okay, I am wrong. Dyslexia has 100% to do with letters and numbers and nothing to do with doing shadow boxing backwards.

I got very upset and said “then why did the therapist diagnose me as dyslexic all those years ago?” Rick replied “back then they probably just called it that, now they would call it retardation.”

LOVE HIM!!!!!

Anyway, I am training with him again tomorrow and every Wednesday and Thursday from here on in.

Time to turn this 37 year old's ass around and get back in to shape.

And for the record, I didn't really gain 8 pounds in a month as I had told my doctor… I was kind of just wanting to rule out that I had a stroke. I knew if I had told the nurse that that was the true reason of my calling, she would have made me go to the hospital, and after I had just been there about a month ago to take care of my home-acid -facial peel that had left my face looking the color of an orangutan’s ass, I was not in a rush to go back to the ER.

However, I do think that my doctor had a point that I need to start really exercising again and eating healthfully. Certainly no harm in that, right?

Mother of the Week

Okay, so as I write this, Westchester County is again expecting a lot of snow. Somehow I have been elected the local meteorologist by my friends. This has lead to a lot of phone calls and emails inquiring about whether birthday parties should be canceled, dinner parties should be postponed and even one request for where to buy strap-on skis for kids.

(Uhm, for the record, meteorologists do not know the answers to everything.)

However, I do have a live Doppler read on my computer and my blackberry, so I have advised everyone in the greater metropolitan area to cancel all activities.

As for the strap on skis... anything I know about strapping anything on has nothing to do with snow equipment.

*************

I started my week off strong with a visit to my local fishmonger. I love that he complimented my new hair and then went on to say (when I asked him if he liked my belt) "it's really not your belt I'm looking at." This made my day.

(By the way, I am day 6 in to my South Beach Diet and I have lost 5 pounds, so the next time I go back to the fish market, the guy better ask for my number! Of course I will probably need a driver to take me there as the lack of carbohydrates is making me feel very spacey and constantly buzzed. I better lose the 13 pounds in 2 weeks as promised by this diet or I am going to cry.)

Speaking of losing weight, my trainer called me "obese," "a heart attack waiting to happen," and WORST of all, "fake blond." He has told me that 2009 is the year that he wants to get me in shape.

Well, what was I doing all of 2008???!?!!?!?

I told him that "I do not want to be super thin." To which he responded "we are nowhere even close to having that happen."

Nice guy. I got so pissed at him that I terminated my session and told him I was no longer going to work out with him that day. He threatened to fire me, so I said "fine, can I collect unemployment?"

I actually made him spend the last 15 minutes of the session going through my pantry and throwing a lot of food out.

*************

Adam had a good week, he is really growing up fast. He has become quite the manipulator. He cried the first two days of the week because he had to return to school after the vacation. In fairness to him, I am responsible for making him cry because I had SUCH a great two weeks having the kids home that I told them both "Mommy is going to miss you both so much when you go back to school. You will have your friends to play with, but poor Mommy will be home all alone missing the two of you and my heart will be aching." So, I think my ability of applying Jewish guilt works.

By the way, Ellie did not cry when she had to go back to school, she celebrated.

Anyway, as I was saying, Adam cried for the first two days that he went back to school and then on the THIRD day school was canceled due to an ice storm and Adam CRIED because he was supposed to have tennis that day and he was DEVASTATED that there was no school. So what do I do???!?!? (in this time of Depression when we should all be saving money) I called and booked a private lesson for Adam which cost a pretty penny. So, not only did I learn that Adam was full of shit about crying over going to school, I then got suckered in to signing him up for weekly private lessons at the club. He starts on Monday. The only cool thing about it is that Chevy Chase takes lessons at the same time and will play on the court next to Adam.

Speaking of celebrities, I was hired this week to teach private cooking lessons to a local celebrities wife. So that should cover the cost of the tennis lessons. (G-d forbid I actually earn money and SAVE some.)

*************

The previously mentioned ice storm brought on a whole new level of education to me as a meteorologist. I was not understanding how it freezes rain at 29 degrees and not snows. So, kudos to my friend Jen for teaching me about "temperature inversions and cold weather climates." She did a great job at making me understand why it was ice rain and not snow at that temperature (the rain falls as snow from a cloud but then it travels through a different weather front at a high rate of speed and then it enters another (colder) front, becomes supercooled and continues to earth as freezing rain.)

Good stuff. Now tell me why it snowed two days later at 34 degrees!!!!!

*************

Yesterday I was the "mom of the week" for Ellie's class, but due to my drinking on Thursday night, I was a bit hung over and came to Ellie's class totally unprepared for the my duties as "MOTW."

I think I may have reeked a little bit of booze.

I also said to one of the kids "whatever you say, but I think it looks like crap" when he showed off to me a little drawing he was so proud of that he described as being his family.

And when it came to my reading the special book I was supposed to bring in to read to the kids (which I totally forgot), I had the three year olds huddle around me and I did a read aloud of all my emails from my blackberry.

I have no doubt that some of the kids learned a whole new vocabulary from my "book."

Anyway, today is Saturday and I have a LOT to do.... but I just wanted to catch you all up.

Cheers.

Charlie's Angel

Again, I did not send the kids to school today. Really, what was the point? To send them for one day when they are still coughing and sneezing made no sense to me, so I planned a field trip to the stores with them.

But, first I had to cancel my trainer and told him that I was keeping the kids home from school because they were sick. He totally called me out and told me that he would show up at my house as planned and would charge me regardless of whether I was there or not, so OF COURSE, I had to honor the session.

The workout was a very good one and I was actually very glad that I kept it. The kids acted as water boys and towel boys and Ellie even rubbed my tush after my squats. THAT was a little awkward, but hey, what happens during training sessions stays in training sessions.

At one point the trainer pushed me so hard aerobically that I dry heaved so hard that I actually puked a little. He asked if I was pregnant, and I explained that the role of immaculate conception had already been give away years and years ago. I told him that I was most definitely NOT pregnant, and explained that he was just asking too much of me.

I asked him "what is it exactly that we are training for anyway???!!!!??!" And he responded "I can't tell you."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????

Am I being trained by Charlie and am I suddenly an Angel that is going to be given a super shady mission soon? (He HAS had me doing a LOT of boxing moves lately) and he continued to drop that fucking medicine ball on my abs 50 times again today. Well, whatever my super shady mission might be, it will involve running at fast speeds for 2 minutes at a time. He (my trainer) (who must be Bosley because I don't think I am allowed to ever meet Charlie) has me get on the treadmill for 2 minute sprints 4 times during the session between weight training, boxing and squat things.

Anyway, the session was great and I am going to see him 2x more this week alone. I am going to ask this "Bosley" to drop hints... Just to be safe I think I should go buy that gorgeous new coat I have been eyeing in case I need to jet to Europe at a moments notice.

The kids were thrilled when 12:30 rolled around and their most beloved babysitter came over.

I went to Kohl's to do some last minute shopping for kitchen appliances that I knew would be on sale. It really is true that I live in my own little world because talk about shock and awe! I could not believe the crowd. I guess people really DO wait until the last minute to buy holiday gifts.... I was just heading out to get stuff because I needed (wanted) it.

When I got home from Kohl's, there was a message on my machine from the director of Adam's school asking how Adam was and left word that "Adam had the starring role as the only Jewish boy in the class holiday show."

WTF???!?!?!?!?

I asked Adam if he knew about the class show and he had no clue what I was talking about. I think the director was just trying to make me feel guilty for not showing up because I had signed up to bring in an antipasto platter. (My kids' schools use me for food.)

Anyway, I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, a continued Happy Hanukkah, and a happy Festivus for those who may celebrate that.

Cheers.

Homeschool

Today was so cold out that I did not even entertain the thought of taking my kids to school. I decided that if ever there were a day to try home schooling, today would be that day.

I started the day with home ec. We made breakfast. Oatmeal with flax seeds. Ellie ate it with brown sugar. Adam flushed it down the toilet.

After breakfast, I had Ellie and Adam drag chairs over to the sink and wash the dishes. Then it was "craft time." We made four pots of homemade play dough. Adam made blue and green, and Ellie made two pots of pink. We sat around the table making dinosaurs and jungle animals. (It was only 8:08 am and I was thinking that if I hurried, I could still make it to their schools by drop off time.)

By 8:15 craft time was over and it was time for lunch. In Europe. But we live in New York, so too early to eat.

I decided it was phys ed. time. I had the kids change in to warm-ups and I changed in to my nicest tennis skirt. I told them to meet in the upstairs tv room with water bottles and towels.

So, by 8:27 am the three of us were in the upstairs room just looking at each other. There was only one treadmill, and I am the fattest, so I got to use it. I had the kids do jumping jacks and push ups while I jogged for 2 miles. (They did not last more than 13 seconds), so while I jogged, I encouraged them to play with Lego's. That worked.

I jogged, then did my ab workout, then my arm workout, and then ran up and down the stairs 5 times in a row. I got back on the treadmill for a 2 minute jog, then more abs and arms, and another 5 stairs.

Then it was time for me to lie on the ground and teach the kids about dialing 911. Which led to a mini lesson about our address, phone number and last name.

It was 9:09 am.

I had the kids make their beds and clean up their rooms, and told them that I would do the same. This was an activity that actually took a while, and I told them "whoever has the cleanest room at the end gets to choose the next activity." (That's probably how teachers decide what comes next in their day too, right? The best behaved/ cleanest kid picks what comes next??!?)

At 9:45, I blew a bull horn (my dad gave me one when I was in college) and I went through the hall way announcing my arrival to their rooms. (They didn't really appreciate the humor in my saying "Police, open up!").

Then I opened up the window and bull horned across the street to my neighbor that I would not be able to make it to her house tonight for book club. (I had to call her about it anyway, and I figured the bull horn saved me a nickel.)

She yelled something back but I could not hear her so I said in to my bull horn "What? I can't hear you.... call me." (Did she really think that I would be able to hear her yelling something to me from across the street WITHOUT a bull horn?)

When the phone rang, I totally screened it because I was busy homeschooling and did not want to take time away from teaching my kids. (I know she hates me and by my not answering the phone when she KNEW I was home probably really sealed my fate with her. However, I got a chuckle out of it.)

After announcing that Adam was the clear winner of the bedroom clean up, he was awarded the honor of choosing the next activity as promised. (I try really hard not to break promises with my kids.)

He chose to play the air hockey game that Hanukkah Harry had given him the night before. That was a good choice and playing that brought us all the way to 10:20 am.

Then Adam asked if we could go outside. I told him it was "too cold." But he really wanted to go outside, so I told him it was "freeze your ass off cold." STILL he did not understand, so I told him "If mommy steps one foot outside in this weather, she will drop dead of a heart attack." To which he replied "That's okay, I know how to call 911."

Wise ass.

I told Adam and Ellie that it was too cold "for realz" and that to prove it, we could do a science experiment. I got three cups of water, let the two of them put food coloring in to their respective cups and I kept my water clear. Ellie made red, Adam made green and we put the cups outside to see how long they took freeze. (I have to tell you, I was quite impressed that by 11am, I had already covered, home ec, phys ed, housekeeping and now science.)

At 11:30 I turned on the television for them. The Princess Bride. They were good to go. I got a little Facebook time in and was able to make some business calls.

When it was lunch time, the three of us sat down to grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches on whole wheat with carrots and celery stix and HUGE blackberries for dessert.

We then did a load of laundry and I taught the kids to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life For Us" from Annie. (That was because they started to whine a little for having to do chores.)

We checked the water an hour and half after we put it outside and Ellie's was the only one that was turning to ice. They asked me why. I had no fucking clue and at that point I was starting to eye the bottle of wine on the shelf, when just then the doorbell rang.

It was the mail man!!!!!! Hallelujah!

The kids thought it was a "special assembly." They asked the mail man a few questions like "Do you get cold?" "Do you like to drive?" "Where do you eat your lunch?" But the all time winner of questions had to be Adam who asked "Can you drive me to school?"

Anyway, the rest of the day went well, it really did.

I turned on the indoor jumping castle, and the kids got their exercise in and after that, they sat and read books for "library time."

They really are good kids and even thought the morning DRAGGED on forever, the afternoon kind of flew. They are asleep now (7:45pm) and I will be turning in too. I will be at the pool by 5:15 in the morning, and then the kids have one day of school before the Christmas break.

Having today under my belt empowered me and I realized that I could do it again if I had to, but to do it for 10 days in a row will be tough. That is why I am so very glad that Christy is home and can babysit for a few hours here and there.

All in all, it was a great day, and I really did have fun. And it proves that I really do have the best job in the world.

However, I could NEVER EVER home school my kids. Not being able to answer the question about ice proved it. And g-d forbid I had to do real math.

Ciao, ciao.

Swimming in the 'ool

Okay, so this is the entry for today. I got up at 4:45 am and put on my bathing suit and sweats. I drove to the club in complete darkness and was pretty sure that I saw a UFO flying over the Saw Mill Parkway at some point, but I did not slow down to investigate (g-d forbid I was not the THIRD person to arrive at the club).

My boy Simon (he is from Australia (gorgeous) and arrives every day in a limo) was there to greet me at 5:05. I say "greet me" loosely, as I kind of think he is there for himself, not so much for me. But he is always very kind to me and says "hi" in only a way that Simon can. He completes me.

Anyway, I swam my laps, and at some point took my bathing cap off and was a bit of a recluse in breaking the ONE rule that applies to swimmers (you must wear a bathing cap). But now that I am in with the owner, I said to myself "fuck it, I am breaking this rule."

I can only trust that the unwritten rule of NOT peeing in the pool is understood by everyone.

After my swim, I showered and applied my own body lotion because as I mentioned yesterday, I smelled like a NYC cabbie. I smelled like a tropical coconut with an undeterminable other scent. I was not digging it. Anyway, today my cream smelled like cleanliness.

I left the gym, came home, prepared breakfast and got the kids ready for school. After dropping the kids off, I raced home, emptied the dishwasher, LOADED the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and got ready for my trainer. By getting ready for my trainer, I put on an all 80's XM station and threw my hair back in a pony tail. I also quickly shaved from my ankles to my mid-calf for when he stretched me out and has to grab around my ankles.

When my trainer arrived, I impressed him with my progress in cardio. I really did actually work out this week on my own aside from the swimming.

And then I made the dumb ass mistake of telling him that I think he has been slacking with my abdominal work.

The fucker had me get on the floor and do an abdominal workout that I don't even thing Sugar Ray Leonard could keep up with. HE THEN PICKED UP A MEDICINE BALL OUT OF HIS MARY FUCKING POPPINS BAG AND DROPPED IT ON MY STOMACH!!! He proceeded to do this 25 fucking times and each time told me to "tighten up my abs!!"

Well, excuse me, but don't you think that if I was in the shape to do this, I may NOT have thought that we needed to concentrate on my abs to begin with???!?!?!?!?!

All I know is that with each drop of the medicine ball, my boobs inflated even more and I swear once with one of the drops I think my head almost popped off.

Bottom line is he killed me today. Absofuckinglutely killed me.

I WAS going to ask him to start concentrating on my butt too, but who knows what kind of sadomasochistic behavior he would come up with????

Anyway, I am home and after I complete this I will prepare dinner... roast garlic chicken with roasted root vegetables, and homemade creamed spinach. With a BIG glass of red wine.

Of course I will tell my trainer that I ate an egg white omelette for dinner and drank a large glass of ice water with lemon.

Asshole.

Okay, carry on.

Cheers!!!

Pain in the Neck

Okay, I am writing this after my training session, but before my meeting.

I thought getting a great workout in before meeting with the club owner would be a good idea...you know, get my adrenaline pumping and what not.

Big fucking mistake.

I can not even get myself dressed now from after showering. Bending down hurts and I am just going to have to wear a towel to the meeting. Luckily towels do not require being lifted over my head, and I can wear flip-flops which do not require tying, so I am good to go.

Of course I will look like an asshole, but I ain't afraid.

My fatal mistake with the trainer was telling him that my neck is very sore from the swimming (I figured that me get me out of all things cardio), but he seemed to not give a shit, and promised to stretch my neck out at the end of the session.

Fine.

BTW, I work out at home with him (kind of intimate but NOT weird) and we had the XM Satellite on. Well, after the treadmill he had me go immediately in to front squats (legs open) while pushing a big heavy medicine ball out with my arms. As soon as I squated down wouldn't you fucking know the lyric "touch me right here" came on. OY!!!!! So what do I do? I start laughing hysterically and made a mountain out of a molehill.

We completed the session (after a good hour of my complaining) (and my changing the station to a classical music station) (no lyrics) and it was time to get stretched.

He stretches me after every session, and so I know that when I see that black table come out of the bag and get unfolded he is going to stretch me. At this point I am way beyond the sexual violation part that I thought was so unusual the first time he stretched me.

For the record I used to train with him at 5:30 in the morning and my kids would watch. Just from watching the stretching alone, they now know all they need to know about sex, so I will NOT have to have THAT conversation with them in future years. (Of course my trainer and I are always fully clothed, but lets just say he takes his job of stretching very seriously.)

Anyway, because I mentioned my stiff neck today, he changed up his stretching routine. Of course I was lying down on the table, and he started by stretching my head and neck to the right and left sides of my body (as would be expected), BUT THEN HE LIFTED MY HEAD FROM BEHIND, and pushed my neck in to my chest.

All I know is that I will call my doctor later and tell her that I just preformed my own mammogram.

I have never been so up-close and personal with my breasts. I now feel like I have to buy myself dinner tonight, it just feels like the right thing to do.

I totally got to second base on myself and it was NOT what I was expecting to do today.

Okay, I am off to the meeting.

Until later.

Get Lost

Here is what is going on with me today.

I decided to go for a walk by myself after dropping the kids off at their respective schools. It is the most gorgeous fall day here and I did not want to be inside in the gym and plus my horoscope said I needed "fresh air"...

Anyway, I started on the walk that I am very familiar with, but also a little bored of, so when I came to a fork in the road, I forked right.

It was a great call. It was a nice incline with the most amazing tasteful estates to look at. I was listening to my iPod and life was good.

Then, 45 minutes in to it, I got so fucking lost I ended up on the highway!!!!! I remembered that I had my phone. No, not to call 911, but to use the navigation system. For the first time, I was glad that I pay an ungodly amount per month for it because it really came in handy. Not that I was in the worst neighborhood, but because I was starting to get hungry and I had no idea where the heck I was.

I was able to navigate my way off the highway, and it said I only had 4.5 miles to go before I reached my destination!!!!!!

WTF???

Knowing that, I panicked and talked myself into being starving. I got light-headed and considered calling 911.

But then I remembered my days as a camper and recalled that you could eat some grasses and berries. Something about 'shrooms too??!?!

I walked a little further and saw a bunch of day laborers building stone pillars for one of the mansions. I figured I could learn something new if I observed them, so I set up camp. I picked a few berries, learned a little Spanish, stole an enchilada out of one of the guys backpacks and I was good to go.

I knew exactly which direction to go in, and I figured it would take about an hour and 20 minutes.

It would have if it was flat!

There, ahead of me, was the biggest hill I had ever seen. In fact, it was a mountain. I psyched myself up for it and Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation" came on which I thought was ironic because really, who the hell was I talking to?

I started up the mountain. I was freekin' dying in about 2 minutes so I said " I will pick up a walking stick" and then laughed because I realized I was having a conversation.

The walking stick helped a little, but it was a sucky motivator and it made me feel like I was 100 years old so I dropped the stick and forged on while panting and crossing myself (even though I am Jewish).

Then I turned around.

No, not to go down the hill and give up, but to work out my ass muscles.

Let me just say that had I been facing forward I would have seen my friend approaching and I would have flagged her down for a ride, but instead I saw her fly down the mountain-hill leaving me in the dust.

No worries... my navigation system said 4.2 miles left. Fucking phew!!!!

I made it back battered and bruised and I barely have enough strength to hoist myself into the Sequoia. The only thing motivating me to do it was lunch.

Forrest Tree Humps

Christy just took the kids out to dinner and miniature golf. I think today’s hike was a mistake.

I thought that it would be a one hour hike round trip, but I got us super lost and it ended up being close to a four hour hike. At least I will now have a frame of reference to use on Saturday in the car when the kids keep asking “are we almost home?”

I will say, “remember that hike, just pretend that we are going on that hike again, and by the end of your mental hike, we will be home.”

At one point during the hike, I became freaked out (although I do not think I let on to it) that we were very vulnerable to bears. Honestly, at the end of the day, what do I really fucking know about anything having to do with nature? Although I could swear that I heard once that bears do live in the mountains and here we were in the mountains.

I asked Christy nonchalantly, “What do you do if a bear attacks? Make your body all big and act like a bear? Or drop to the ground and pretend to be dead?” She was as clueless and luckily did not seem at all concerned.

After a few hours we came across a forest ranger who was able to guide us back on the trail. I had actually not even realized that we were OFF the trail. Had I noticed, I would have called for help on my phone…

Anyway, the forest ranger was a nice enough guy. He gave us some quick pointers about nature, and told me that bears do not really ever come out in the day time, so fucking phew about that one.

He also told us that in a forest, when a tree falls over, the stump becomes home to living organisms and then a lot of shit happens over time and another tree grows on top of the other tree stump. That is why there are so many trees on mounds in forests.

I told him that “When you are driving in a car on a highway, and you see little oil stains on the road ahead of you it means a little bump is coming up and that the oil stain is left from the previous cars going over the bump and every time a car goes over the bump, a little oil comes out.” Hard to tell if he was looking at me in absolute awe, or if he was looking at me like I was some fucking lunatic mother that probably should never had had kids in the first place.

Well, whatever, no worries and at the end of the day, here we are back safely at the lake house and I learned a thing about forest tree humps.

I am pretty sure I have meningitis as I can no longer move my neck in either direction and I think I may have a fever. Ellie is covered in a rash from head to toe, I am just hoping she did not pick up a venereal disease from the out-house toilet at the base of the mountain.

Rubber Soles

We had a great day at The Sagamore. Nothing like crashing at the beachfront of a $850 per day resort for free. We were only questioned once by one mom that wondered why we were not using the resort’s plush green bath towels as opposed to our own towels. I quickly explained that my kids have allergies to certain detergents and she bought it.

I knew we were good to go when a cabana boy came over and asked me if I would like to order lunch and charge it to our room. Just for a goof, I looked at the menu but told him that we would opt for our bagged lunch instead. Although I WAS tempted by the $48 lobster club sandwich.

Ellie and Adam made quick friends with two other kids that were also from Westchester. The mom and I started talking and somehow the conversation of dead bodies in lakes came up. (Okay, I totally initiated it, but she was a wealth of information.) She informed me that usually a dead body will float to the surface feet-first, as lots of bodies are dumped fully clothed, and the rubber from the shoes naturally make the feet rise to the surface first.

Good to know, and I took a mental note of two things.

1. I was very glad that I did not come face to face with a fucking Adidas sneaker during my swim yesterday.

2. That if, in fact, I ever WERE to kill Stephen and dump his body, I would have to make sure to rid his body of all rubber.

Around 1pm Christy took the kids to the resort's playground and I swam in the lake. Hey, this was a busy, bustling lake and the resort had lanes reserved for swimming. I was loving it and actually got my hours swim in. It was very choppy (a lot of motor boats), and I probably did the equivalent of a four hour swim during my one hour, just trying to keep from drowning.

We left The Sagamore at 5pm, and assured our new friends that we would be back in the morning and would see them then. (I also managed to steal a towel so that tomorrow at least I would look like I belonged.) (So reminiscent of the feeling of belonging from when I changed my phone number to the 232 exchange.)

Anyway, it is now 9pm and I am heading to bed. I am very glad that I decided NOT to pack up last night and head back to Westchester. I really hate to be defeated. And tonight I enjoyed a very large 48 ounce glass of wine while sitting on the dock by the lake. There was a full moon and I realized that Jason was not out to kill me, that people (real people) lived here and that I would not be killed in the middle of the night. It was beautiful.

The only hiccup was the tremendous spider that was the size of a crab that crawled two feet in front of my deck chair. Let me just say that I have gotten quite good at hauling ass, and I made it back in to the house in 2 seconds. (Again, my math is not great and it may have been more like 30 seconds, but I was fast.)

So, I am going to bed and am looking forward to my walk in the morning (I bought bug spray at The Sagamore for $27) and I know that after my walk, I will pack the kids and Christy up for another day of crashing with the rich folk.

Crazy Killer on the Loose

We made it thought the night. I think I will let Christy sleep in her own bed tonight.

This morning I woke up and took an hour long walk along the lake shore. (I think we all know by now that I am NOT swimming in this lake ever again.) I had my iPod and I wore my nicest tennis outfit. I looked like a total Nike whore.

A few of the locals drove by and they probably thought to themselves “that must be a New York City spoiled princess.”

I was singing out loud to my music and thought to myself “yes, this is much safer than swimming in a corpse filled lake.” The road along the lake shore is not paved and again, I kind of felt like I was back at camp, and I was loving it. Eventually I walked far enough that I could go off of the lake shore road and walk along pavement for a while.

I must have walked about 6 yards (my math is really bad…what is that, like a quarter of a mile?) before I was attacked by little bugs. These little fuckers were swarming around me by the thousands and I was afraid to breathe as I most certainly would ingest a few hundred. So I started to run while swinging my arms in large circular motions and yelling “Go away, go away!!!”

(Insects speak English, don’t they??”)

Anyway, I was running, yelling, swinging my arms and listening to my iPod, hoping that once I got back on the dirt road, the insects should leave me alone as I did not encounter any of them on the walk TO the paved road.

Wrong.

It seemed like all the bugs called every bug in the Adirondacks to “come and haze the spoiled princess.” I was truly miserable and could not even run anymore (I can only jog a 15 minute quater mile as it is), so I was left with my one option of speed walking. All the while still yelling at the bugs, swatting them and rotating my arms in those huge circles.

Even though I was listening to my iPod and could not hear anything, I could sense that there was a car behind me and sure enough, I turned around to see a police car driving behind me at 2 mph. “Probably looking for Jason” I thought to myself.

But I was wrong. The police drove up next to me and asked me if I was alright. “I got scared and asked “WHY??!??!?!! Is there really a crazy killer on this lake?” To which he said “Uhm, that is what we are trying to figure out, ma'am. “

Well what the fuck does THAT mean????!!!?!?

I soon found out.

The police officer explained to me that one of the locals called in to report ME!!!!! Someone had driven by me and thought I was acting all weird what with my swinging of my arms and yelling “get away!!”

I explained to the officer that I was in fact of sound mind and that I was just bothered by the bugs. He understood and recommended bug spray. I was going to ask him if there was a chance of people dumping dead bodies in the lake that have gone undiscovered, but having just told him that I was up here alone with my kids and a sitter (no husband), I thought he may think my question was a little suspicious.

Anyway, in 5 minutes, Christy, the kids and I are leaving to crash The Sagamore Resort. We are going to sneak in there and spend the day at their lake front.