US Open Sores

Okay. I will try to keep this brief. In fact, I even tried not to write this at all, but enough people asked me for the blog of yesterdays field trip that here goes....

By the way, I am typing this without the use of my right thumb... I just cut it big time. And of course I have no bandaids in the house 'cause the kids have been using them as stickers. So I have a huge wad of Bounty paper towel taped to my thumb. (I'll be okay).

So... yesterdays trip to The Open started in typical fashion. I was dressed for The Open, Drama was dressed for a pool side cabana at The Four Seasons, and E was dressed for a shopping excursion to either 5th Ave, or SoHo. I picked up Dumb and Dumber. (I know that sounds harsh, but read this whole blog and it will make sense very soon as to why I have dubbed them that.)

Now, even though we took a vote and the convertible beat out the Lexus, Dumb and Dumber were totally unprepared. I don't think they realized that a convertible meant "no top" which is surprising for one of the Dumber's 'cause her husband had a Lotus convertible.

So for the first 10 minutes I had to listen to a bit of "my hair is going to look terrible", etc. But then they pulled it together and good thing because the directions that Drama downloaded were really shitty, and were clearly meant for tourists, so we all had to put our collective heads together to figure out how to get there. However, within 40 minutes of leaving Bedford, we were in Flushing, Queens.

The only problem was that we chose to ignore the exit that was marked for "US Open Parking" and opted go one more exit just for a goof. Things got a little hairy for a moment, (E would want me to tell you at this point that we were really almost hit by a Mac truck, but last I checked, almost doesn't count!) and true or false... we drove by the SAME traffic cop 5 times?

FALSE!! Because we drove by him 6 times!!!! The sixth drive by was when I decided to ask traffic cop for directions to parking for the Open. He/she (not really sure and was tempted to drive by a 7th time to figure it out) told me "idiot girl, you mean to tell me that you have not seen the neon flashing sign that says "US Open Parking" in one of your many drive by's?"

So I said "why you gotta be like that, ma'am? I mean sir?" And sped away.... right in to the parking lot that said "FOR PERMIT PARKING ONLY." Not wanting to deal with hearing D & D'er say "When are we going to be there!?!?" I drove right up to the traffic cop at the parking lot and said "I am sorry officer, we don't have a permit, but can we please park here?" He looked at D, D'er and me and said "okay Ladies, sure!!" I didn't even have to leave Drama there as collateral, but I DID offer.

So we were heading to the parking lot when we saw "complimentary parking for Lexus vehicles." Well, we had voted and my car won, so I was very offended at the insinuation that we should have taken the Lexus just for the free parking!!!

Anyway, we parked and boarded the shuttle bus to the Open. I took it very seriously when the driver said that when we wanted to come back to the lot we had to "board the bus at the soccer field and get on the bus marked 1-7." So as D & D'er mocked me, I took a quick note of that instruction on my bberry. We debarked the shuttle bus and started walking with the crowd towards The Open. But just then E got a phone call and got very involved with the caller. (I don't know...something about a drug dealer?!?!)

Drama and I just started walking and before we knew it we were walking over a boardwalk. The crowd was fairly thin... we just kept walking and walking (like a bunch of lemmings about to jump off a cliff) until we came to Shea or "Met's" Stadium as E (and NOW you know why she has the new nickname) called it. And believe me, Dumb and Drama (who was wearing a ridiculous pair of shoes "because E told me we wouldn't have to walk") (now you know why she is Dumber) would have KEPT on walking straight out of Queens (maybe would have even boarded the subway) if I did not have the sense to ask someone "uhm, can you please tell me where the Open is?"

Luckily the 11 year old kid was able to tell us "turn around walk the mile you came and then FOLLOW all the people!!!" Okay, we did just that. If only we had followed ALL of the people to begin with....

So, we get to the gates, had our bags checked and then maybe it was just me, but I swear all three of us then just stood there waiting (begging!) to be frisked. But the cop waived us in an we were in the hallowed grounds of the USTA!!!!

First things first!!!! We got the lay of the land in order of importance.... beer kiosk, Grey Goose kiosk, Ralph Lauren kiosk, Lacoste Kiosk, Arthur Ashe Stadium. So Dumb immediately spent $40 on three 22 ounce beers, and Dumber spent that much on three bottled waters. We then marched straight to Arthur Ashe Stadium.

Or so we thought. We were told "follow all those people up the ramp, that's where you wanna go!" So we did. And then had to go up and up and up and up to the loge box. We had fun pronouncing THAT word for about 20 minutes and then finally FINALLY found our gate!!! We were told by the usher "keep walking to 134...this is 110." We started again on our walk and the same usher rushed over to Dumber and put his hands on her arms and said "NO!!! Not THESE stairs...keep walking!"

Well, FYI the usher clearly just wanted to touch Drama 'cause she was no where near any fucking stairs!!!

So we get to our seats just as the first set of the Blake/Darcis was ending. Wow!! Who knew that Blake and Darcis were guys? We gave Darcis a few nicknames and then it was time for another beer run. And 10 minutes after that, Dumb and Dumber went on a food run.

When they got back to the seats I was informed that Drama almost fainted and that she had to put her head between her legs. In my absence, E panicked and offered Drama a beer, something "bready" and Cracker Jax. I told them that in a situation like that, you offer WATER and then juice and then start CPR no matter what!!!

Just as we were settling in to our seats Darcis fucking RETIRED!!! What does that even mean??? I mean, I claimed to be retired three years ago, but in sports it probably means something else.

Bottom line... it is different than a forfeit, Blake won, and it was only 4 pm.

So. We decided to shop a little at the Open and then head to China Town for a few things.

The trip to China Town was fun... my navigation system took us through a really nice part of Queens suitable for the three of us in the convertible to be driving through, and then we went in to the Midtown tunnel.

Dumb and Dumber were frightened that they were gonna die of carbon monoxide poisoning (Dumber swore she could smell the odorless gas).... but I was surprisingly calm in the tunnel recalling aloud that my dad "lived and drove in the city for years in a convertible driving through tunnels, and therefore it must be perfectly safe!!!" Dumb said "well that explains why he is the way he is!"

We were all three very relieved to see the light at the end of the tunnel and we exited. When we got to China Town, we parked in a "lot" that was no way gonna be there 15 minutes later, so we busted a move on a quest to buy fake watches. For the first time in our lives the three of us decided that China Town sucked, and the quality sucked and not worth the trip!!!

Yes, it is true that at one point, when we were stuck at a light on Canal Street, a very intimidating homeless man came over to the car with LOTS of open sores. So I did what every one in my position as driver would do... knowing I could not go anywhere, I put my blinker on and moved the car tires to the right. I had no where to go and told the gentleman, "I just really really want to make this light!" when he came over asking for pennies.

E really thought by pretending to act dead, that would keep the guy away, and for the first time Drama was regretting her choice in a very revealing booby shirt. But we made it out alive and had plenty of time to laugh about it as we sat in traffic in the mass Exodus from NYC on a holiday weekend.

We can't wait for next year and the pictures that went out earlier just prove that we had a great time. Not to mention that because of the photos, E has signed up for Botox injections, I will now be working with my trainer 3 times a week and Drama is going to buy some cover ups for any other 'homeless man while in a convertible run-ins.'

Sorry, I really thought I could keep this short.

Have a great holiday weekend.
Xoxo, Cheers!

Oh, and I am on the way to the doctor for a Tetanus shot 'cause my thumb is now throbbing in pain!!!!

Rubber Soles

We had a great day at The Sagamore. Nothing like crashing at the beachfront of a $850 per day resort for free. We were only questioned once by one mom that wondered why we were not using the resort’s plush green bath towels as opposed to our own towels. I quickly explained that my kids have allergies to certain detergents and she bought it.

I knew we were good to go when a cabana boy came over and asked me if I would like to order lunch and charge it to our room. Just for a goof, I looked at the menu but told him that we would opt for our bagged lunch instead. Although I WAS tempted by the $48 lobster club sandwich.

Ellie and Adam made quick friends with two other kids that were also from Westchester. The mom and I started talking and somehow the conversation of dead bodies in lakes came up. (Okay, I totally initiated it, but she was a wealth of information.) She informed me that usually a dead body will float to the surface feet-first, as lots of bodies are dumped fully clothed, and the rubber from the shoes naturally make the feet rise to the surface first.

Good to know, and I took a mental note of two things.

1. I was very glad that I did not come face to face with a fucking Adidas sneaker during my swim yesterday.

2. That if, in fact, I ever WERE to kill Stephen and dump his body, I would have to make sure to rid his body of all rubber.

Around 1pm Christy took the kids to the resort's playground and I swam in the lake. Hey, this was a busy, bustling lake and the resort had lanes reserved for swimming. I was loving it and actually got my hours swim in. It was very choppy (a lot of motor boats), and I probably did the equivalent of a four hour swim during my one hour, just trying to keep from drowning.

We left The Sagamore at 5pm, and assured our new friends that we would be back in the morning and would see them then. (I also managed to steal a towel so that tomorrow at least I would look like I belonged.) (So reminiscent of the feeling of belonging from when I changed my phone number to the 232 exchange.)

Anyway, it is now 9pm and I am heading to bed. I am very glad that I decided NOT to pack up last night and head back to Westchester. I really hate to be defeated. And tonight I enjoyed a very large 48 ounce glass of wine while sitting on the dock by the lake. There was a full moon and I realized that Jason was not out to kill me, that people (real people) lived here and that I would not be killed in the middle of the night. It was beautiful.

The only hiccup was the tremendous spider that was the size of a crab that crawled two feet in front of my deck chair. Let me just say that I have gotten quite good at hauling ass, and I made it back in to the house in 2 seconds. (Again, my math is not great and it may have been more like 30 seconds, but I was fast.)

So, I am going to bed and am looking forward to my walk in the morning (I bought bug spray at The Sagamore for $27) and I know that after my walk, I will pack the kids and Christy up for another day of crashing with the rich folk.