Okay, so this is the entry for today. I got up at 4:45 am and put on my bathing suit and sweats. I drove to the club in complete darkness and was pretty sure that I saw a UFO flying over the Saw Mill Parkway at some point, but I did not slow down to investigate (g-d forbid I was not the THIRD person to arrive at the club).
My boy Simon (he is from Australia (gorgeous) and arrives every day in a limo) was there to greet me at 5:05. I say "greet me" loosely, as I kind of think he is there for himself, not so much for me. But he is always very kind to me and says "hi" in only a way that Simon can. He completes me.
Anyway, I swam my laps, and at some point took my bathing cap off and was a bit of a recluse in breaking the ONE rule that applies to swimmers (you must wear a bathing cap). But now that I am in with the owner, I said to myself "fuck it, I am breaking this rule."
I can only trust that the unwritten rule of NOT peeing in the pool is understood by everyone.
After my swim, I showered and applied my own body lotion because as I mentioned yesterday, I smelled like a NYC cabbie. I smelled like a tropical coconut with an undeterminable other scent. I was not digging it. Anyway, today my cream smelled like cleanliness.
I left the gym, came home, prepared breakfast and got the kids ready for school. After dropping the kids off, I raced home, emptied the dishwasher, LOADED the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and got ready for my trainer. By getting ready for my trainer, I put on an all 80's XM station and threw my hair back in a pony tail. I also quickly shaved from my ankles to my mid-calf for when he stretched me out and has to grab around my ankles.
When my trainer arrived, I impressed him with my progress in cardio. I really did actually work out this week on my own aside from the swimming.
And then I made the dumb ass mistake of telling him that I think he has been slacking with my abdominal work.
The fucker had me get on the floor and do an abdominal workout that I don't even thing Sugar Ray Leonard could keep up with. HE THEN PICKED UP A MEDICINE BALL OUT OF HIS MARY FUCKING POPPINS BAG AND DROPPED IT ON MY STOMACH!!! He proceeded to do this 25 fucking times and each time told me to "tighten up my abs!!"
Well, excuse me, but don't you think that if I was in the shape to do this, I may NOT have thought that we needed to concentrate on my abs to begin with???!?!?!?!?!
All I know is that with each drop of the medicine ball, my boobs inflated even more and I swear once with one of the drops I think my head almost popped off.
Bottom line is he killed me today. Absofuckinglutely killed me.
I WAS going to ask him to start concentrating on my butt too, but who knows what kind of sadomasochistic behavior he would come up with????
Anyway, I am home and after I complete this I will prepare dinner... roast garlic chicken with roasted root vegetables, and homemade creamed spinach. With a BIG glass of red wine.
Of course I will tell my trainer that I ate an egg white omelette for dinner and drank a large glass of ice water with lemon.
Asshole.
Okay, carry on.
Cheers!!!
So the meeting went well. My suggestions were met with enthusiasm.
As for the hairy men in the pool, there will now be all male and all female lanes in the pool. A sign will be posted in the men's locker room advising of the waxing and other spa services that the club offers.
As for better looking lifeguards, the owner agreed with me, but he is not the one that hires, and therefore had little to no control over it. Though, note taken and upon any firing of current staff, he will ask that resumes be sent from Ford modeling agency as well as from the local colleges (just to be fair.)
He did implore to me how imperative it is to have lifeguards that actually ARE trained in CPR and other life saving skills. Based on my boy from the hot tub, he is right.
I then went out on a limb and told him that I think the food in the clubs cafe is extremely overpriced and only average at best. I thought that he could and should take some pointers from Canyon Ranch, and that I would be happy to go there as a "Staff Development" thing.
He pointed out that I an not employed by the club and therefore would not be going on any such trip unless it was out of my pocket book.
He had a point.
Anyway, tomorrow will be a big day for me at the pool. I am planning on having Keith (current lifeguard) fired.
Alright, good night, sleep tight.
Cheers.
As you know, I received a lovely bathing cap from my dearest friends on my birthday. I wear a Speedo one piece when I swim, and it is a racing suit which means it is easily 3x too fucking small on me. I look like a freaking Sumo wrestler.
Anyway, this morning when I was swimming, I was in the olympic size pool doing my laps, and there was an older gentleman in the hot tun that is a few feet away from the pool. The pool area is surrounded by glass on one side which allows swimmers to look out, and fans to look in. I happened to see one of my friends walking (I could see her through the glass), and I was waving very enthusiastically to get her attention, but of course she did not see me. However the man in the hot tub thought I was waving to him, and started waving back. I nearly died. I stayed in the pool extra long until he left. HOW EMBARRASSING!!!!!
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Okay, I will be turning in now to go to bed. I have my super big meeting with the owner of the club tomorrow. I created pie charts and really nice drawings to use as visual aids. His secretary called to confirm today, and told me I only had 15 minutes. Fuck that! I think she is trying to use scare tactics on me. I am a paying member of the club, I will take my sweet time.
I am wearing a new bathing suit under a really nice bathing suit cover. I got a pedicure and a manicure. I was always told to dress for the job you want, not the job you have, so I am dressing to impress. My normal day to day uniform of amazingly worn in 501's, a white shirt and sneakers may make him not take me seriously. I also took hair off of my dog tonight and will bring it in as "exhibit A" to show him what hairy men leave behind in the pool. I hope tomorrow goes well. Wish me luck. I had a HUGE dinner of carbs just in case he wants me to demonstrate a few laps in the pool. Until tomorrow...
Oy! Today was Adam’s birthday and I think I succeeded in making it the worst 5th birthday celebration ever. I hope that he will be able to strike the events of today from his memory.
Because it is the last weekend of summer (alright, it may not be the end of the summer solstice, but you get the point) all of Adam's friends are away. It really has not mattered much in past years because Adam was too young to understand birthday parties and the enormity of what they stand for.
Last week I asked Adam's camp counselor, Jack, if he would be able to come to a pizza party on today’s date to celebrate Adam turning 5. Jack answered with the enthusiasm that only a 21 year old can when asked to do something he would rather have nothing to do with. He said “Uhm, I guess.” I had to exchange phone numbers with Jack and I am telling you, it was kind of awkward.
I asked Adam’s tennis counselor Alex to come for the party too. He agreed to and I thought I ought to buy a little security with my invited guests so I slipped both Jack and Alex fifty dollar bills.
I completed my guest list by asking Gray, Adam’s 5 year old cousin to the party. So it was settled, 4 people would be here to celebrated Adam’s 5th birthday.
This morning we woke up, sang “Happy Birthday” to Adam and got the day started. I had to go get an ice cream cake and if I was a GOOD mother, I would have special ordered a cake weeks ago, but I have been focusing a lot of myself this summer, and the cake was not a priority. Now that it was the day of the party, the “party”, I knew I had to put my game face on.
I got the kids into the car and headed to Carvel… they would have an ice cream cake for sure. On the way there, I asked Adam what kind of cake he wanted. He said “Batman.” Cool.
We walked in to Carvel and over to the freezer case. No Batman cake. I asked Adam to come up with a second choice.
“Spiderman.”
No Spiderman.
Third choice?
“Soccer.”
No fucking soccer ball. I was starting to feel really bad and after going through all the choices, we settled on the ONE sport that Carvel did have in the freezer cake. My five year old would be celebrating with a bowling ball cake. Sweet.
He was pissed, and I really could not blame him, but it was the ONLY sport themed cake in the case, and all the other cakes were either princess or Care Bear. I lifted the cake out of the case, showed it to Adam and Ellie (they both said “it sucks and is stupid.”) and I started to walk to the counter to pay. Of course I accidentally dropped the bowling ball cake top down right on to the floor, but it was still hard, so no damage done.
On the way home, I realized that I never confirmed with Jack and Alex, and knew I had better because Adam kept saying “Will my friends be here yet?” I kept thinking to myself “should I tell him that his “friends” are really paid extras that I am just lucky are around?” I chose not to, what with the whole bowling ball cake incident.
We got home and I had Adam and Ellie set up for the party. The “party.” It took no time at all to put out 4 plates and napkins.
During their lightening fast set up, I called Jack (which went in to voice mail) and reminded him to come to the party, the “party," and to be here at noon. I did not have Alex’s phone number, so I quickly looked up to the heavens and did a quick shout out to the birthday g-ds and asked them to deliver Jack and Alex on time. (Or anytime between noon and 2).
At 11:50, my nephew Gray showed up. His dad (who is an attorney and nothing gets by him) dropped Gray off. I knew that he was immediately onto my shit and could tell that he knew that I had absolutely nothing planned for this party. “Party.” So I quickly ushered my brother in law away and announced to Gray that he was the first one to arrive and therefore told him that he would win the “first to arrive” prize. He was curious about that and said good bye to his dad who I swear hand gestured a phone to Gray and mouthed “call me.”
As we watched Gray’s dad pull away, Gray asked me what the “first to arrive” prize was. I offered him a nice cold beer.
Gray and Adam went outside and started to play baseball, and happily Jack pulled in right at 12:45. I looked up and thanked the birthday g-ds. He brought a gift for Adam (a GIGANTIC water gun) and I knew that it was time to get this party started. This “party” started. The water gun contributed to 7 minutes of fun until it broke. (Thanks Jack, next time spend more than a dollar on a kids birthday gift!!!)
Then I broke the crowd in to two teams for baseball. Adam and Gray against Jack and me. The three of them though the teams were a little unbalanced, but I was in it to win it. Jack and I kicked ass.
At 1:30 I realized that I had totally forgotten to order the pizza, so I grabbed the phone and ordered. Adam's favorite pizza is spinach pizza, and that was what he requested even though it was met with a chorus of “yuck.” But Adam stood his ground and said “This is my fucking party, I am ordering spinach pizza. This day has sucked, I have no friends here and my mom never ordered me a cake, and what awaits us is a stupid fucking bowling ball cake. Now shut up and let me order my g-d dammed spinach pizza.”
Okay, maybe those were not his exact words, but I knew that's what he felt.
We continued to play baseball until the pizza arrived. Then we gathered around the table for lunch. Of course because no one else would eat the pizza, Adam refused to eat it too. I could tell that this party was going downhill fast and then I heard the words that I was dreading to hear.
“Mom, can we go in the pool???”
It was not for safety concerns that I did not want to go in to the pool. It was because I really did not want to wear a bathing suit in front of Jack. But I had to forget about my own ego and do this for Adam, so I asked Jack to watch the kids as I changed.
I ran upstairs and thought to myself 'shit, what do I do??! What would E and Drama do in this scenario?' I realized that E would just knock Jack out cold and revive him 10 minutes before the party, the “party,” ended, and I know that Drama would get Jack drunk and stoned. Then I had to quickly choose between the hot pink bathing suit that I had that was open back, or the very low cut black one that would scream “I am desperate.” I chose the hot pink one and grabbed a bottle of wine as I went back to the pool.
Jack chose a cola over the wine, but I said fuck it and poured myself a big fat glass. Jack and I got to know each other really well in the next 40 minutes. He likes sushi, likes to travel, has goals (he is returning to college), AND, I found out, likes to play tennis.
Adam came up to me at around 2 o'clock (this party, “party,” was going overtime) and asked where Alex was. I told him that Alex could not make it on account of an ice storm, and Adam did not even question it. Again, I looked to the birthday party g-ds and said 'thank you.'
Finally it was cake time, and we all gathered around the table again. I brought out the bowling ball cake and even Adam (who is no dummy) tried to feign excitement. No one ate the cake either. It was too stupid looking to eat.
When Gray's dad showed to take Gray home, he could tell that I was drunk and that the kids looked like they were waiting to get out of a detention center. Gray asked for his goody bag. Which made my head spin and my eyes pop. I was complimented that he asked for a goody bag because we all know that a goody bag means party!!!! PARTY. No quotation marks needed!
But then I realized that I had no goody bag and ran in to the house to fill a brown paper bag with dried pasta noodles and beans. I even threw in a few dried out markers and broken crayons. And just for a goof, I threw in a $20 bill. I gave Gray the bag and told him he had to search for the prize. I knew that he would roll down the window of the car and throw the whole thing out. I just hoped he would find the money first.
Anyway, Jack was really kind when he left and told Adam that he was Jack's favorite camper and told Adam that he would call when he was home on break.
I can admit defeat. Today sucked. But little does Adam know that tomorrow when he wakes up, there will be a crowd of kids waiting in the kitchen to yell “surprise” when he comes down for breakfast. (I recruited kids from the “C” list, as even the “B” list kids are all away.) I called them all about an hour ago and we are good to go. One mom said that her daughter had been throwing up with a fever all day, but I said “great, bring her.”
I also called the bakery and was willing to pay an un-g-dly amount to have a Batman cake all made up by 6am tomorrow morning. I think tomorrow will be great and hopefully Adam looks forward to other birthdays in the years to come.
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