Clean Berries

So yet ANOTHER snowday. This is becoming a little bit of a joke already. Not that I mind spending the day (AGAIN) with the kids, but they are the ones that need a break from me.

Poor little things could use some interaction with more than each other and more that just me.

There was a little progress made today though, Ellie actually DID clean something. She chose to Windex the fresh strawberries. I think between her and Adam they ate about 7 strawberries each before I realized what they had done.

Poison Control (who I practically have on my own payroll right now) assured me that they would be okay. But they also advised me NOT to allow Ellie to chase the Windex with a shot of bleach as THAT could be toxic. They know her so well….

I was able to at least get Adam to his afternoon enrichment program and the only thing I had to pack him for lunch was an unopened bag of Goldfish. I did not even have anything to pack him as a drink, so I taped a note to the Goldfish bag asking the teacher to allow him to use the water fountain if he got thirsty.

I decided to resign from my volunteer position as the Head of Fundraising at the local museum, effective immediately. Even though I had just cause, the director was not happy with me.

Well, the fact that she has not been happy with me for several months now kind of explains why I was resigning in the first place. I felt like it was a conflict of interest and to make a long story short, I somehow managed to agree to a THERAPY session WITH THE DIRECTOR on Monday.

Please. This is not normal…. I was resigning because I was feeling squeezed out by the director and then all of a sudden I am going to therapy with her?

(There is an “in-house” therapist on staff.) So, on Monday, from 9:15-10:00, while all of you will be doing your normal day-to-day stuff, I will be spending time in a therapy session trying to patch things up with a woman that I will really never need to be seeing again in my life. This is so strange to me. I am still trying to figure out how it all went down and I agreed to do it, but I figure for one therapy session to never have to do one more thing for fundraising there again, it will be worth it.

I actually have a lot of things to discuss with my OWN therapist this coming week, so maybe I will try a little teaser with the session with the director and see how good THIS therapist is. After all, I may as well use Monday’s session to “test drive” a new therapist. Not that there is anything wrong with my current one, but if the situation arises (which it has in a bizarre way), I may as well make the best of it.

Meanwhile Stephen made it home safely in the ice storm the other day. I am glad that I do not have to go back to work now as his insurance policy sucks….

Anyway, I have nothing planned for the weekend… it is the Superbowl and I really do not even give a shit, but I will be making delicious Pizzettas.

Life Insurance

Today is another snow day. In fact, it is snow day #4 for the winter of '08/'09.

The kids have gotten used to the routine. Adam is a whiz at using the toaster oven… he toasts his own bread and then goes into the refrigerator to get his own butter. Ellie has gotten very good at getting in to my china cabinet, liquor cabinet and the cleaning supply cabinet. (G-d forbid she actually then CLEAN anything.)

And I have no problem pushing up happy hour to noon as opposed to the universal 5pm.

Stephen decided to drive in to work today even though the roads are a mess and the forecast is for a decline in weather throughout the day. All the snow is going to be covered in about three inches of ice. This system has already killed 19 people across the country and I am NOT happy that Stephen decided to go in to work.

For two reasons.

#1. He has the original Deed to our house in the car and if the car crashes and explodes, I am assuming that could be trouble. (He has the Deed because we are in the process of refinancing.)

#2 (and this may be the more important reason for me to be upset), his life insurance policy that he has would only cover funeral expenses and enough for me to pay off the house.

I am including a recipe for Garlic Pan Roasted Brussel Sprouts. Adam’s favorite. We will make them for dinner tonight.

Anyway, I am off to do the treadmill as I am super motivated this week to lose weight… E was lucky enough to get the stomach virus which will easily give her a HUGE advantage to the weight loss challenge we have going. I will just have to get myself into her car, and without her detecting it, I will lick her steering wheel….

That will give me hope for next week….

What Goes Up...

So, today being Thursday, I worked out with my trainer.

I now know what he is training me for… it is quite obvious.

The Special Olympics.

First of all, I must tell you that I have rug burns on my elbows. He had me do so many g-d dammed 'Up Downs' or 'Down Ups' that I literally burned my elbows because, unlike E, I do NOT have a home gym, and we just use our upstairs TV room that has very thick carpeting.

What is a 'Down Up/ Up Down' you are wondering? It is when a fatty like me lies down on the ground, and does a “special” push up. The last time E was with me and I did them in front of her, she laughed out loud and told me I looked like a platypus. Well, excuse me Miss I-can-do-a-one-handed-push-up-while-clapping-in-between, all the while belaying off of a bouncy ball. (E takes training very seriously; and it shows while I just do it so I can eat bread at lunch.)

Anyway, what I would imagine that I look like while doing a 'Down/Up' thing would be a pot bellied pig trying to do a push up while keeping its back legs extended straight out and all its weight being supported by its toes, with its ass in the air (even though my back should be straight and level with my head)

Anyway, Rick had me do a few thousand sets of 'Down/Up' things because we were “strength training” today.

He then had me get on the treadmill for sprints. AND he had me run up and down my stairs several times in a row (6 times to be exact). AND he told me that he would not let me take a break. We did this crazy routine for an hour of switching off from treadmill to stairs, to 'Down/Ups' to abs and then started the whole routine all over again. We did the routine 6 times in an hour.

I literally grabbed his arm and hand at one point while on the last treadmill go-round and made him shout “YOU CAN DO IT!!!” And when I got off the treadmill I fell to the ground and begged him to leave. But then I said “NO, you have to stay in case I have a heart attack.”

At least he complimented me on the workout which is something I have not heard in a while.

After he left I felt so good that I had a sandwich for lunch with TWO pieces of bread, 14 tablespoons of mayonnaise and 13 ounces of turkey. I also had a 1 ounce glass of water.

I continued to treat myself by sitting on the couch to watch Days of Our Lives. I figure with this kind of training routine, I should lose 3 pounds by March.

Sweet!!!

Homeschool

Today was so cold out that I did not even entertain the thought of taking my kids to school. I decided that if ever there were a day to try home schooling, today would be that day.

I started the day with home ec. We made breakfast. Oatmeal with flax seeds. Ellie ate it with brown sugar. Adam flushed it down the toilet.

After breakfast, I had Ellie and Adam drag chairs over to the sink and wash the dishes. Then it was "craft time." We made four pots of homemade play dough. Adam made blue and green, and Ellie made two pots of pink. We sat around the table making dinosaurs and jungle animals. (It was only 8:08 am and I was thinking that if I hurried, I could still make it to their schools by drop off time.)

By 8:15 craft time was over and it was time for lunch. In Europe. But we live in New York, so too early to eat.

I decided it was phys ed. time. I had the kids change in to warm-ups and I changed in to my nicest tennis skirt. I told them to meet in the upstairs tv room with water bottles and towels.

So, by 8:27 am the three of us were in the upstairs room just looking at each other. There was only one treadmill, and I am the fattest, so I got to use it. I had the kids do jumping jacks and push ups while I jogged for 2 miles. (They did not last more than 13 seconds), so while I jogged, I encouraged them to play with Lego's. That worked.

I jogged, then did my ab workout, then my arm workout, and then ran up and down the stairs 5 times in a row. I got back on the treadmill for a 2 minute jog, then more abs and arms, and another 5 stairs.

Then it was time for me to lie on the ground and teach the kids about dialing 911. Which led to a mini lesson about our address, phone number and last name.

It was 9:09 am.

I had the kids make their beds and clean up their rooms, and told them that I would do the same. This was an activity that actually took a while, and I told them "whoever has the cleanest room at the end gets to choose the next activity." (That's probably how teachers decide what comes next in their day too, right? The best behaved/ cleanest kid picks what comes next??!?)

At 9:45, I blew a bull horn (my dad gave me one when I was in college) and I went through the hall way announcing my arrival to their rooms. (They didn't really appreciate the humor in my saying "Police, open up!").

Then I opened up the window and bull horned across the street to my neighbor that I would not be able to make it to her house tonight for book club. (I had to call her about it anyway, and I figured the bull horn saved me a nickel.)

She yelled something back but I could not hear her so I said in to my bull horn "What? I can't hear you.... call me." (Did she really think that I would be able to hear her yelling something to me from across the street WITHOUT a bull horn?)

When the phone rang, I totally screened it because I was busy homeschooling and did not want to take time away from teaching my kids. (I know she hates me and by my not answering the phone when she KNEW I was home probably really sealed my fate with her. However, I got a chuckle out of it.)

After announcing that Adam was the clear winner of the bedroom clean up, he was awarded the honor of choosing the next activity as promised. (I try really hard not to break promises with my kids.)

He chose to play the air hockey game that Hanukkah Harry had given him the night before. That was a good choice and playing that brought us all the way to 10:20 am.

Then Adam asked if we could go outside. I told him it was "too cold." But he really wanted to go outside, so I told him it was "freeze your ass off cold." STILL he did not understand, so I told him "If mommy steps one foot outside in this weather, she will drop dead of a heart attack." To which he replied "That's okay, I know how to call 911."

Wise ass.

I told Adam and Ellie that it was too cold "for realz" and that to prove it, we could do a science experiment. I got three cups of water, let the two of them put food coloring in to their respective cups and I kept my water clear. Ellie made red, Adam made green and we put the cups outside to see how long they took freeze. (I have to tell you, I was quite impressed that by 11am, I had already covered, home ec, phys ed, housekeeping and now science.)

At 11:30 I turned on the television for them. The Princess Bride. They were good to go. I got a little Facebook time in and was able to make some business calls.

When it was lunch time, the three of us sat down to grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches on whole wheat with carrots and celery stix and HUGE blackberries for dessert.

We then did a load of laundry and I taught the kids to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life For Us" from Annie. (That was because they started to whine a little for having to do chores.)

We checked the water an hour and half after we put it outside and Ellie's was the only one that was turning to ice. They asked me why. I had no fucking clue and at that point I was starting to eye the bottle of wine on the shelf, when just then the doorbell rang.

It was the mail man!!!!!! Hallelujah!

The kids thought it was a "special assembly." They asked the mail man a few questions like "Do you get cold?" "Do you like to drive?" "Where do you eat your lunch?" But the all time winner of questions had to be Adam who asked "Can you drive me to school?"

Anyway, the rest of the day went well, it really did.

I turned on the indoor jumping castle, and the kids got their exercise in and after that, they sat and read books for "library time."

They really are good kids and even thought the morning DRAGGED on forever, the afternoon kind of flew. They are asleep now (7:45pm) and I will be turning in too. I will be at the pool by 5:15 in the morning, and then the kids have one day of school before the Christmas break.

Having today under my belt empowered me and I realized that I could do it again if I had to, but to do it for 10 days in a row will be tough. That is why I am so very glad that Christy is home and can babysit for a few hours here and there.

All in all, it was a great day, and I really did have fun. And it proves that I really do have the best job in the world.

However, I could NEVER EVER home school my kids. Not being able to answer the question about ice proved it. And g-d forbid I had to do real math.

Ciao, ciao.

4 + 2 = 5

Okay, in going back and reading my past blogs, I see that I curse an awful lot. My mother would be appalled and would no doubt call in child protective services. However, while I feel that cursing is classless, it is also very cathartic and not meant to hurt anyone.

In fact, I would rather my children curse than use hurtful words.

Last year when we were running late in getting to school, Adam directed Ellie to "get in the car, you fucking loser." I had to tell him that "loser" was NOT a word we use in this house.

Words that are banned from being used in my house are "stupid," shut up," "idiot," "fatty," and "ignorant." Just to name a few.

But cursing does not bother me as much as it does some other parents. Of course the day that one of my kids calls the teacher "fucker", I will have to re-think my logic.

I will try to curb my cursing for these blogs, but when it seems appropriate, I may throw one in.

*******************

Yesterday the kids and I spent a lot of time outside playing in the snow. Well, when I say "a lot of time," I really mean 20 minutes. I froze my tuchus off and invited the kids inside to make potato latkes and have some chicken soup.

I got no takers. Adam told met that he wanted hot chocolate like "all the other NORMAL neighborhood kids", but I really hate giving my kids sugar. So I re-offered the latke and soup invitation and Ellie caved.

Adam decided to stay outside and play which was fine with me. He has gotten very good at making snow balls. (I guess boys and balls go hand-in-hand.) Adam has also perfected the making of snow angels. He is in the imagination stage, so he was 100% fine to be outside playing and creating imaginary snow fight scenarios.

So Ellie and I went inside and started making latkes and chicken soup. (I say "making chicken soup" with liberty... I really just heated some up from a can.)

After an hour, I begged Adam to come inside. "Nope, not yet" he said. I was actually quite impressed with what he had going on out there, so I joined him outside for a while (10 minutes) and then again offered to have him come inside. Still no.

So I offered to give him cheese sticks. (What kid doesn't love cheese sticks?) "No, thank you," he said.

So he continued playing outside. Ellie and I pulled up chairs to the windows to watch him just in case hypothermia started to set in and he started acting weird.

This kid would NOT come inside and it started getting to the point where I was getting concerned. I thought it was too cold outside for extended play, but the mom accross the street with a gaggle of kids decided to just then send her kids outside to play, so of course there was no way I was going to get Adam in at that point.

After ANOTHER hour and 15 latkes later (I did not eat 15, just made 15) I again tried my luck with getting Adam inside. This time he and the neighbor's little shits, I mean kids, belted me with snow balls.

I tried to reason with Adam. It was going on 4 hours of his being outside and I had started to pull up articles of "death by exposure to cold air" on the Internet and the information scared me. I started asking Adam simple questions like "What is your name?" and "Who am I?" He passed those with flying colors but when I started asking him what 4+2 equaled, he came up with 5.

I knew it was time to get this kid inside. According to the article on hypothermia, first your brain freezes and and then it all goes downhill from there.

This time I offered to give Adam hot chocolate (I'm not a fan, but every mother has hot cocoa for their kids somewhere in the pantry). He refused. I offered him a grilled cheese sandwich. I got nothing. Chips? Hanukkah presents? Chocolate gelt?

NOTHING WOULD GET THIS KID INSIDE, so I had to think fast. I said to myself "what would my dad do?"

So I offered him a beer and a Playboy magazine.

Thank g-d Adam gave me a look like "what the f**K??" But then I got nervous that his brain was frozen so I took things in to my own hands and picked him up and brought him inside. Ellie was cheering me on and it turned out that Adam really was very happy to be inside. He ate his latkes and a big bowl of soup. I gave him a nice warm bath and he and Ellie played really well together for the rest of the day.

I was psyched when it was bedtime and I was glad that no Hanukkah gifts had to be spared to lure Adam in. I also asked him after he warmed up "how much is 4+2?" and his answer remained the same. "5." (He is so my kid.) However I was nervous that any moment he would take me up on the offer of a beer.

The only downside to this story is that Adam has the most horrendous cough this morning and I am waiting for the doctors office to open to bring him in. I am just hoping the cough is not pneumonia. The Internet has helped me rule out Hepatitis and Whooping cough. And even E-bola.

Okay, until later.

Ciao, ciao.

$1 Latkes

Okay, first of all the training session with E went really well yesterday. I fucking quit after 20 minutes.

This morning I went in to make potato latkes with Adam's class at his school which also happens to be at the health club. I made Ellie come with us and she totally accused me of forcing her to play hooky. Whatever. She clearly had gotten over it in the first 15 minutes and proved it to me when she came up to me mid latke-making and said "Mommy, I like boys." (My kind of girl. Although I like men, not boys, but you catch my drift.)

Anyway, 20 kids (and my daughter in heat) gathered around me to make the latkes. We grated potatoes, onions and beat some eggs. We added flour and salt and we were good to go.

I told the kids all about the story of Hanukkah to which I heard a chorus of "Christmas is better" and even one kid chimed in "Christmas kicks Hannukah's ass" (Thanks Adam).

The director of the school came in to tell me that everyone was asking what smelled so good, and that the smell was permeating the club. She asked if there were any extras if she could pass the latkes out to some of the staff.

So, because I am no dummy (other than making a huge mistake by going to Costco the weekend before Christmas and the day before a huge snow storm), I told her "I will sell my latkes for $1.00 each."

I made $13 today. Nice. I really am Martha Jewart.

As I write this, the kids are asleep and I realize now would be a great time to hop on the treadmill and kick my own ass, so that is exactly what I will do.

Ciao, ciao for now.

Swimming in the 'ool

Okay, so this is the entry for today. I got up at 4:45 am and put on my bathing suit and sweats. I drove to the club in complete darkness and was pretty sure that I saw a UFO flying over the Saw Mill Parkway at some point, but I did not slow down to investigate (g-d forbid I was not the THIRD person to arrive at the club).

My boy Simon (he is from Australia (gorgeous) and arrives every day in a limo) was there to greet me at 5:05. I say "greet me" loosely, as I kind of think he is there for himself, not so much for me. But he is always very kind to me and says "hi" in only a way that Simon can. He completes me.

Anyway, I swam my laps, and at some point took my bathing cap off and was a bit of a recluse in breaking the ONE rule that applies to swimmers (you must wear a bathing cap). But now that I am in with the owner, I said to myself "fuck it, I am breaking this rule."

I can only trust that the unwritten rule of NOT peeing in the pool is understood by everyone.

After my swim, I showered and applied my own body lotion because as I mentioned yesterday, I smelled like a NYC cabbie. I smelled like a tropical coconut with an undeterminable other scent. I was not digging it. Anyway, today my cream smelled like cleanliness.

I left the gym, came home, prepared breakfast and got the kids ready for school. After dropping the kids off, I raced home, emptied the dishwasher, LOADED the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and got ready for my trainer. By getting ready for my trainer, I put on an all 80's XM station and threw my hair back in a pony tail. I also quickly shaved from my ankles to my mid-calf for when he stretched me out and has to grab around my ankles.

When my trainer arrived, I impressed him with my progress in cardio. I really did actually work out this week on my own aside from the swimming.

And then I made the dumb ass mistake of telling him that I think he has been slacking with my abdominal work.

The fucker had me get on the floor and do an abdominal workout that I don't even thing Sugar Ray Leonard could keep up with. HE THEN PICKED UP A MEDICINE BALL OUT OF HIS MARY FUCKING POPPINS BAG AND DROPPED IT ON MY STOMACH!!! He proceeded to do this 25 fucking times and each time told me to "tighten up my abs!!"

Well, excuse me, but don't you think that if I was in the shape to do this, I may NOT have thought that we needed to concentrate on my abs to begin with???!?!?!?!?!

All I know is that with each drop of the medicine ball, my boobs inflated even more and I swear once with one of the drops I think my head almost popped off.

Bottom line is he killed me today. Absofuckinglutely killed me.

I WAS going to ask him to start concentrating on my butt too, but who knows what kind of sadomasochistic behavior he would come up with????

Anyway, I am home and after I complete this I will prepare dinner... roast garlic chicken with roasted root vegetables, and homemade creamed spinach. With a BIG glass of red wine.

Of course I will tell my trainer that I ate an egg white omelette for dinner and drank a large glass of ice water with lemon.

Asshole.

Okay, carry on.

Cheers!!!

Get Lost

Here is what is going on with me today.

I decided to go for a walk by myself after dropping the kids off at their respective schools. It is the most gorgeous fall day here and I did not want to be inside in the gym and plus my horoscope said I needed "fresh air"...

Anyway, I started on the walk that I am very familiar with, but also a little bored of, so when I came to a fork in the road, I forked right.

It was a great call. It was a nice incline with the most amazing tasteful estates to look at. I was listening to my iPod and life was good.

Then, 45 minutes in to it, I got so fucking lost I ended up on the highway!!!!! I remembered that I had my phone. No, not to call 911, but to use the navigation system. For the first time, I was glad that I pay an ungodly amount per month for it because it really came in handy. Not that I was in the worst neighborhood, but because I was starting to get hungry and I had no idea where the heck I was.

I was able to navigate my way off the highway, and it said I only had 4.5 miles to go before I reached my destination!!!!!!

WTF???

Knowing that, I panicked and talked myself into being starving. I got light-headed and considered calling 911.

But then I remembered my days as a camper and recalled that you could eat some grasses and berries. Something about 'shrooms too??!?!

I walked a little further and saw a bunch of day laborers building stone pillars for one of the mansions. I figured I could learn something new if I observed them, so I set up camp. I picked a few berries, learned a little Spanish, stole an enchilada out of one of the guys backpacks and I was good to go.

I knew exactly which direction to go in, and I figured it would take about an hour and 20 minutes.

It would have if it was flat!

There, ahead of me, was the biggest hill I had ever seen. In fact, it was a mountain. I psyched myself up for it and Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation" came on which I thought was ironic because really, who the hell was I talking to?

I started up the mountain. I was freekin' dying in about 2 minutes so I said " I will pick up a walking stick" and then laughed because I realized I was having a conversation.

The walking stick helped a little, but it was a sucky motivator and it made me feel like I was 100 years old so I dropped the stick and forged on while panting and crossing myself (even though I am Jewish).

Then I turned around.

No, not to go down the hill and give up, but to work out my ass muscles.

Let me just say that had I been facing forward I would have seen my friend approaching and I would have flagged her down for a ride, but instead I saw her fly down the mountain-hill leaving me in the dust.

No worries... my navigation system said 4.2 miles left. Fucking phew!!!!

I made it back battered and bruised and I barely have enough strength to hoist myself into the Sequoia. The only thing motivating me to do it was lunch.

ButtFarts

When I was younger I had such a repulsion to worms that it was almost debilitating. I would gag after a rainfall because it "smelled like worms outside." I took a failing grade in 9th grade biology because I could not, WOULD not, dissect an earthworm. In fact, I could not even be in the lab that day when my classmates did the assignment.

Once when I was walking in flip flops, I flipped a worm into the back of my shoe, unbeknownst to me. When I investigated what felt wet and slimy on my heel I screamed so loudly that passers by thought I was an escapee from a mental ward.

Over the past few years I have been trying to get over my phobia because I think the earth worm is here to stay. Plus, I don't want Adam and Ellie to adopt this irrational fear. Although, I don't think that will happen with Ellie. When she was 16 months old she ate half of a worm.

As I write this, Adam and Ellie are outside playing in the overly saturated back yard and patio area. They are playing after having attended a funeral for a loved one. I will explain.

After I picked the kids up from school, they begged to play outside. It had finally stopped raining after 3 straight days, the temperature was nice (78 degrees), and all I had to do was cook dinner and spend quality time on my Blackberry, so I thought “what the hell, no harm in it, let ‘em play outside.”

As I was preparing my pork roast with homemade onion jam, sauteed spinach and garlicky pan-roasted brussel sprouts, I happily observed the kids playing really nicely together. They were getting along so beautifully and I could tell that they were working very hard on a project. I was loving every minute of it from the inner sanctum of the kitchen. Life was good.

At one point Ellie came in to the house to use the bathroom, and I asked her what she and Adam were working so hard on? “A castle” she said. Intrigued, I followed her back out of the house.

Adam and Ellie had taken all the beach toys (buckets, shovels, horseshoes) and they had created quite a Kingdom for what, I was not quite sure.

And then I saw the Royal Subject, the fucking Mack Daddy of all worms. I swear it was part snake/part worm/part dingo-coyote. Adam and Ellie were building a huge castle for this worm and I was numb. Ellie was handling this reptile with such ease and grace and I was trying my hardest not to vomit. She placed it down very closely to the “Moat” of horse shoes and I warned her that if she put the snake/worm/dingo-coyote too close to the edge of the plastic toys while placing one down, it would cut their pet. She assured me that she and Adam were being very careful.

When I asked Adam what it's name was Adam answered "Butt." I then asked Ellie if she had agreed to that name, and she said "NO." Who could really blame her? So I said "ok, Ellie, what would you like to name it?" And she said "Farts."

When I mustered up the courage to look at ButtFarts, I discovered something a bit disturbing. Sure as shit, a large chunk of ButtFarts was missing from it's head (or tail). I don't know if earthworms have a head or a tail... Remember that I told you I refused to dissect one in 9th grade.

Anyway, Adam and Ellie discovered the large piece of ButtFarts next to him too. Ellie pointed and shouted with giggly glee "he pooped!" While heading back into the house I gently reminded them to take care of their pet.

I went inside, poured myself a glass of wine and started to count to 0 backwards form 20. I got to 11 before Adam came in and said “ButtFarts is dead.” “Yup, seems about right,” I replied to him. And told him to tell Ellie that we would have a funeral.

I went outside armed with an ice cream scooper to dig a grave. The kids gathered all of ButtFarts together and we buried him in a nice little ceremony. I asked the mourners if there was anyone that would like to speak a few kinds words about the deceased. Ellie volunteered and said “I loved ButtFarts. He was my best friend.” Adam chimed in “He was the best pet ever, and I will miss him.” Adam wanted to bury ButtFarts with a horse shoe, but I was not digging any deeper, or wider so I vetoed that idea. I had nothing to say (I really was just officiating the ceremony), and we agreed that ButtFarts was in a better place now. Which was fucking ironic to me, because if only ButtFarts had stayed in the ground like he was supposed to, none of this would have ever happened.

Anyway, the pork roast is almost done and in 20 minutes we will sit down for dinner. It was a big day for us here….. and I am confident that I have learned two things.

1) My kids are way too young for a pet.

2) I have no doubt that my kids will be haunted by ButtFarts spirit for years to come.

The "Party"

Oy! Today was Adam’s birthday and I think I succeeded in making it the worst 5th birthday celebration ever. I hope that he will be able to strike the events of today from his memory.

Because it is the last weekend of summer (alright, it may not be the end of the summer solstice, but you get the point) all of Adam's friends are away. It really has not mattered much in past years because Adam was too young to understand birthday parties and the enormity of what they stand for.

Last week I asked Adam's camp counselor, Jack, if he would be able to come to a pizza party on today’s date to celebrate Adam turning 5. Jack answered with the enthusiasm that only a 21 year old can when asked to do something he would rather have nothing to do with. He said “Uhm, I guess.” I had to exchange phone numbers with Jack and I am telling you, it was kind of awkward.

I asked Adam’s tennis counselor Alex to come for the party too. He agreed to and I thought I ought to buy a little security with my invited guests so I slipped both Jack and Alex fifty dollar bills.

I completed my guest list by asking Gray, Adam’s 5 year old cousin to the party. So it was settled, 4 people would be here to celebrated Adam’s 5th birthday.

This morning we woke up, sang “Happy Birthday” to Adam and got the day started. I had to go get an ice cream cake and if I was a GOOD mother, I would have special ordered a cake weeks ago, but I have been focusing a lot of myself this summer, and the cake was not a priority. Now that it was the day of the party, the “party”, I knew I had to put my game face on.

I got the kids into the car and headed to Carvel… they would have an ice cream cake for sure. On the way there, I asked Adam what kind of cake he wanted. He said “Batman.” Cool.

We walked in to Carvel and over to the freezer case. No Batman cake. I asked Adam to come up with a second choice.

“Spiderman.”

No Spiderman.

Third choice?

“Soccer.”

No fucking soccer ball. I was starting to feel really bad and after going through all the choices, we settled on the ONE sport that Carvel did have in the freezer cake. My five year old would be celebrating with a bowling ball cake. Sweet.

He was pissed, and I really could not blame him, but it was the ONLY sport themed cake in the case, and all the other cakes were either princess or Care Bear. I lifted the cake out of the case, showed it to Adam and Ellie (they both said “it sucks and is stupid.”) and I started to walk to the counter to pay. Of course I accidentally dropped the bowling ball cake top down right on to the floor, but it was still hard, so no damage done.

On the way home, I realized that I never confirmed with Jack and Alex, and knew I had better because Adam kept saying “Will my friends be here yet?” I kept thinking to myself “should I tell him that his “friends” are really paid extras that I am just lucky are around?” I chose not to, what with the whole bowling ball cake incident.

We got home and I had Adam and Ellie set up for the party. The “party.” It took no time at all to put out 4 plates and napkins.

During their lightening fast set up, I called Jack (which went in to voice mail) and reminded him to come to the party, the “party," and to be here at noon. I did not have Alex’s phone number, so I quickly looked up to the heavens and did a quick shout out to the birthday g-ds and asked them to deliver Jack and Alex on time. (Or anytime between noon and 2).

At 11:50, my nephew Gray showed up. His dad (who is an attorney and nothing gets by him) dropped Gray off. I knew that he was immediately onto my shit and could tell that he knew that I had absolutely nothing planned for this party. “Party.” So I quickly ushered my brother in law away and announced to Gray that he was the first one to arrive and therefore told him that he would win the “first to arrive” prize. He was curious about that and said good bye to his dad who I swear hand gestured a phone to Gray and mouthed “call me.”

As we watched Gray’s dad pull away, Gray asked me what the “first to arrive” prize was. I offered him a nice cold beer.

Gray and Adam went outside and started to play baseball, and happily Jack pulled in right at 12:45. I looked up and thanked the birthday g-ds. He brought a gift for Adam (a GIGANTIC water gun) and I knew that it was time to get this party started. This “party” started. The water gun contributed to 7 minutes of fun until it broke. (Thanks Jack, next time spend more than a dollar on a kids birthday gift!!!)

Then I broke the crowd in to two teams for baseball. Adam and Gray against Jack and me. The three of them though the teams were a little unbalanced, but I was in it to win it. Jack and I kicked ass.

At 1:30 I realized that I had totally forgotten to order the pizza, so I grabbed the phone and ordered. Adam's favorite pizza is spinach pizza, and that was what he requested even though it was met with a chorus of “yuck.” But Adam stood his ground and said “This is my fucking party, I am ordering spinach pizza. This day has sucked, I have no friends here and my mom never ordered me a cake, and what awaits us is a stupid fucking bowling ball cake. Now shut up and let me order my g-d dammed spinach pizza.”

Okay, maybe those were not his exact words, but I knew that's what he felt.

We continued to play baseball until the pizza arrived. Then we gathered around the table for lunch. Of course because no one else would eat the pizza, Adam refused to eat it too. I could tell that this party was going downhill fast and then I heard the words that I was dreading to hear.

“Mom, can we go in the pool???”

It was not for safety concerns that I did not want to go in to the pool. It was because I really did not want to wear a bathing suit in front of Jack. But I had to forget about my own ego and do this for Adam, so I asked Jack to watch the kids as I changed.

I ran upstairs and thought to myself 'shit, what do I do??! What would E and Drama do in this scenario?' I realized that E would just knock Jack out cold and revive him 10 minutes before the party, the “party,” ended, and I know that Drama would get Jack drunk and stoned. Then I had to quickly choose between the hot pink bathing suit that I had that was open back, or the very low cut black one that would scream “I am desperate.” I chose the hot pink one and grabbed a bottle of wine as I went back to the pool.

Jack chose a cola over the wine, but I said fuck it and poured myself a big fat glass. Jack and I got to know each other really well in the next 40 minutes. He likes sushi, likes to travel, has goals (he is returning to college), AND, I found out, likes to play tennis.

Adam came up to me at around 2 o'clock (this party, “party,” was going overtime) and asked where Alex was. I told him that Alex could not make it on account of an ice storm, and Adam did not even question it. Again, I looked to the birthday party g-ds and said 'thank you.'

Finally it was cake time, and we all gathered around the table again. I brought out the bowling ball cake and even Adam (who is no dummy) tried to feign excitement. No one ate the cake either. It was too stupid looking to eat.

When Gray's dad showed to take Gray home, he could tell that I was drunk and that the kids looked like they were waiting to get out of a detention center. Gray asked for his goody bag. Which made my head spin and my eyes pop. I was complimented that he asked for a goody bag because we all know that a goody bag means party!!!! PARTY. No quotation marks needed!

But then I realized that I had no goody bag and ran in to the house to fill a brown paper bag with dried pasta noodles and beans. I even threw in a few dried out markers and broken crayons. And just for a goof, I threw in a $20 bill. I gave Gray the bag and told him he had to search for the prize. I knew that he would roll down the window of the car and throw the whole thing out. I just hoped he would find the money first.

Anyway, Jack was really kind when he left and told Adam that he was Jack's favorite camper and told Adam that he would call when he was home on break.

I can admit defeat. Today sucked. But little does Adam know that tomorrow when he wakes up, there will be a crowd of kids waiting in the kitchen to yell “surprise” when he comes down for breakfast. (I recruited kids from the “C” list, as even the “B” list kids are all away.) I called them all about an hour ago and we are good to go. One mom said that her daughter had been throwing up with a fever all day, but I said “great, bring her.”

I also called the bakery and was willing to pay an un-g-dly amount to have a Batman cake all made up by 6am tomorrow morning. I think tomorrow will be great and hopefully Adam looks forward to other birthdays in the years to come.

Two Topping Pizza

8:15 am

We are off to The Sagamore in 15 minutes.

Just a quick note that I took my walk and I sprayed my bug spray all over myself. I even wore a tennis visor and put on deodorant. None of it worked. I still was attacked by the mother fucking hazing gnats. I must have a blood type that they don’t see up here too often in these parts of the Adirondacks.

Anyway, off to crash again. The whole key to breaking in at the resort is to get there BEFORE 9am which is when the gate-keeper starts asking for passes. Fucking idiots, I am a New Yorker…. I got street smarts. AND a resort towel. We are SO in, it is ridiculous. Plus the fact that I have a babysitter seals the deal. What rich family does NOT travel with a nanny, right?

10:10pm

So another great day at The Sagamore. I cannot believe that tomorrow is already Tuesday and we leave on Saturday which really means that we have until Friday to find stuff to do. Tomorrow it is supposed to rain, so I will take the kids and Christy to Lake Placid and spend the day there. That takes care of Wednesday and then I figure we will just head back to The Sagamore for Thursday and Friday and we will have had a great vacation.

Today Adam and Ellie played with the other Westchester family again. I am telling you that the mom is a serious walking encyclopedia. Today she told me that what I saw last night was a “dock spider” and that they are often confused with Tarantulas but that there are no Tarantulas in this part of the world.

Phew.

However, dock spiders can still kill you.

Well, what then is the difference between a dock spider and a Tarantula? Their fucking wardrobe???!!!!? If a spider can kill a human then it is not something I want to mess with whether I am in NY State or in the Congo of South America.

I swam again for an hour and I am telling you, it is the BEST workout. Trying to keep from drowning from the huge waves caused by the motor boats and tour boats is no simple task.

We went out for pizza tonight and I am getting the distinct feeling that the locals do NOT like the tourists. I asked for hot peppers on my slice of pizza and when I sent back my slice explaining that I was given the wrong order, they told me that those WERE hot peppers on my slice. I figured I would take the time to give the chef a mini culinary lesson. (And by “chef” I mean dishwasher/pizza maker/gas station attendant.) I told him that what he had put on my pizza slice were olives. OLIVES. Not jalapeno peppers.

He then added a second topping to my slice which I recognized as spit and I got the point.

Christy, the kids and I left a $50 on the table and left. Of course I am now no longer frightened that Jason will kill me, OR a bat, (maybe a dock spider), but I am pretty fucking sure that the boys from the pizza place may try to hunt us down later tonight. That is why I parked my car three houses down and we have all lights off and every door is blocked by large pieces of furniture. I told Christy that she has to sleep in my bed again tonight.

Tomorrow we are off to Lake Placid.

Free as a Turd

Tonight the kids wanted ice cream, so at around 6:30 I put them in the car and headed out for Carvel. For those of you who know me well, know this in and of itself is HUGE 'cause I think sugar is poison for kids.

Anyway, about five houses away from our driveway, on the passenger side of the car, I noticed a turtle on the side of the road. So, as I kept driving my inner voice kept saying "Bitch, some other SUV driver is gonna crush that poor thing to death." For a second I battled back and forth about giving a shit, and then realized what I HAD to do... I made a big u-ey in the road, made a 180 in the Sequoia and went back to the turtle.

I put the hazards on and pulled the car over much to the excitement and curiosity of Adam and Ellie. I crossed the street and picked up the turtle and brought him back to the car. Ellie screamed so loudly and I think may have even pooped in her pants, but Adam was super interested...

So, we drove back to our house because Adam and I decided that we should put the turtle ("Turd" as Adam quickly Christened him [or her]) in the stream on our property. After Ellie took a few hits of oxygen and pulled herself together, we walked to the stream to put Turd back with his mom, dad and sister. I placed Turd on the grass near the stream. Adam petted his shell and Ellie declared "I love Turdy!"

Turd poked his head out and started to make the three foot walk to the stream. At that point, Adam suddenly remembered that we were going out for ice cream, picked Turd up and threw him in to the stream. Now I was the one screaming, Ellie was hysterical and Adam was extremely proud of his very "male" effort to put Turd back where he belonged. I checked to see if Turd was okay, but without spending too much time dwelling over it, decided that Turd was dead and would have been better off if I had left him on the road.

We went to get ice cream. But to punish Adam for killing the turtle, I made him get raisin ice cream.

However, upon our return home, we checked in the stream and Turd was no longer there, so perhaps he DID survive and in fact I HAD done the right thing.

Tomorrow I am totally signing myself up for nature classes. I think I have finally found my calling.

Snow Day

Gained back all my weight. I have eaten everything in this house between yesterday and today. Including canned food from my Y2K emergency kit that expired 5 years ago. And all the packaged foods.

Something about a snow day makes me set up an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Adam and Ellie have done the jumping castle, and are now watching The Incredibles for the 15th time since yesterday. Adam can say all the lines... kind of like how I could from 16 Candles and The Breakfast Club. And like how my dad could from Fletch and Animal House.

Okay, need to go downstairs to eat a can of cream of mushroom soup (cold of course) while dipping potato chips into it.