Friday, August 29, 2008

US Open Sores

Okay. I will try to keep this brief. In fact, I even tried not to write this at all, but enough people asked me for the blog of yesterdays field trip that here goes....

By the way, I am typing this without the use of my right thumb... I just cut it big time. And of course I have no bandaids in the house 'cause the kids have been using them as stickers. So I have a huge wad of Bounty paper towel taped to my thumb. (I'll be okay).

So... yesterdays trip to The Open started in typical fashion. I was dressed for The Open, Drama was dressed for a pool side cabana at The Four Seasons, and E was dressed for a shopping excursion to either 5th Ave, or SoHo.
I picked up Dumb and Dumber. (I know that sounds harsh, but read this whole blog and it will make sense very soon as to why I have dubbed them that.)

Now, even though we took a vote and the convertible beat out the Lexus, Dumb and Dumber were totally unprepared. I don't think they realized that a convertible meant "no top" which is surprising for one of the Dumber's 'cause her husband had a Lotus convertible.

So for the first 10 minutes I had to listen to a bit of "my hair is going to look terrible", etc. But then they pulled it together and good thing because the directions that Drama downloaded were really shitty, and were clearly meant for tourists, so we all had to put our collective heads together to figure out how to get there. However, within 40 minutes of leaving Bedford, we were in Flushing, Queens.

The only problem was that we chose to ignore the exit that was marked for "US Open Parking" and opted go one more exit just for a goof. Things got a little hairy for a moment, (E would want me to tell you at this point that we were really almost hit by a Mac truck, but last I checked, almost doesn't count!) and true or false... we drove by the SAME traffic cop 5 times?

FALSE!! Because we drove by him 6 times!!!! The sixth drive by was when I decided to ask traffic cop for directions to parking for the Open. He/she (not really sure and was tempted to drive by a 7th time to figure it out) told me "idiot girl, you mean to tell me that you have not seen the neon flashing sign that says "US Open Parking" in one of your many drive by's?"

So I said "why you gotta be like that, ma'am? I mean sir?" And sped away.... right in to the parking lot that said "FOR PERMIT PARKING ONLY." Not wanting to deal with hearing D & D'er say "When are we going to be there!?!?" I drove right up to the traffic cop at the parking lot and said "I am sorry officer, we don't have a permit, but can we please park here?" He looked at D, D'er and me and said "okay Ladies, sure!!" I didn't even have to leave Drama there as collateral, but I DID offer.

So we were heading to the parking lot when we saw "complimentary parking for Lexus vehicles." Well, we had voted and my car won, so I was very offended at the insinuation that we should have taken the Lexus just for the free parking!!!

Anyway, we parked and boarded the shuttle bus to the Open. I took it very seriously when the driver said that when we wanted to come back to the lot we had to "board the bus at the soccer field and get on the bus marked 1-7." So as D & D'er mocked me, I took a quick note of that instruction on my bberry.
We debarked the shuttle bus and started walking with the crowd towards The Open. But just then E got a phone call and got very involved with the caller. (I don't know...something about a drug dealer?!?!)

Drama and I just started walking and before we knew it we were walking over a boardwalk. The crowd was fairly thin... we just kept walking and walking (like a bunch of lemmings about to jump off a cliff) until we came to Shea or "Met's" Stadium as E (and NOW you know why she has the new nickname) called it. And believe me, Dumb and Drama (who was wearing a ridiculous pair of shoes "because E told me we wouldn't have to walk") (now you know why she is Dumber) would have KEPT on walking straight out of Queens (maybe would have even boarded the subway) if I did not have the sense to ask someone "uhm, can you please tell me where the Open is?"

Luckily the 11 year old kid was able to tell us "turn around walk the mile you came and then FOLLOW all the people!!!" Okay, we did just that. If only we had followed ALL of the people to begin with....

So, we get to the gates, had our bags checked and then maybe it was just me, but I swear all three of us then just stood there waiting (begging!) to be frisked. But the cop waived us in an we were in the hallowed grounds of the USTA!!!!

First things first!!!! We got the lay of the land in order of importance.... beer kiosk, Grey Goose kiosk, Ralph Lauren kiosk, Lacoste Kiosk, Arthur Ashe Stadium. So Dumb immediately spent $40 on three 22 ounce beers, and Dumber spent that much on three bottled waters. We then marched straight to Arthur Ashe Stadium.

Or so we thought. We were told "follow all those people up the ramp, that's where you wanna go!"
So we did. And then had to go up and up and up and up to the loge box. We had fun pronouncing THAT word for about 20 minutes and then finally FINALLY found our gate!!! We were told by the usher "keep walking to 134...this is 110." We started again on our walk and the same usher rushed over to Dumber and put his hands on her arms and said "NO!!! Not THESE stairs...keep walking!"

Well, FYI the usher clearly just wanted to touch Drama 'cause she was no where near any fucking stairs!!!

So we get to our seats just as the first set of the Blake/Darcis was ending. Wow!! Who knew that Blake and Darcis were guys? We gave Darcis a few nicknames and then it was time for another beer run. And 10 minutes after that, Dumb and Dumber went on a food run.

When they got back to the seats I was informed that Drama almost fainted and that she had to put her head between her legs. In my absence, E panicked and offered Drama a beer, something "bready" and Cracker Jax. I told them that in a situation like that, you offer WATER and then juice and then start CPR no matter what!!!

Just as we were settling in to our seats Darcis fucking RETIRED!!! What does that even mean??? I mean, I claimed to be retired three years ago, but in sports it probably means something else.

Bottom line... it is different than a forfeit, Blake won, and it was only 4 pm.

So. We decided to shop a little at the Open and then head to China Town for a few things.

The trip to China Town was fun... my navigation system took us through a really nice part of Queens suitable for the three of us in the convertible to be driving through, and then we went in to the Midtown tunnel.

Dumb and Dumber were frightened that they were gonna die of carbon monoxide poisoning (Dumber swore she could smell the odorless gas).... but I was surprisingly calm in the tunnel recalling aloud that my dad "lived and drove in the city for years in a convertible driving through tunnels, and therefore it must be perfectly safe!!!" Dumb said "well that explains why he is the way he is!"

We were all three very relieved to see the light at the end of the tunnel and we exited.
When we got to China Town, we parked in a "lot" that was no way gonna be there 15 minutes later, so we busted a move on a quest to buy fake watches. For the first time in our lives the three of us decided that China Town sucked, and the quality sucked and not worth the trip!!!

Yes, it is true that at one point, when we were stuck at a light on Canal Street, a very intimidating homeless man came over to the car with LOTS of open sores. So I did what every one in my position as driver would do... knowing I could not go anywhere, I put my blinker on and moved the car tires to the right. I had no where to go and told the gentleman, "I just really really want to make this light!" when he came over asking for pennies.

E really thought by pretending to act dead, that would keep the guy away, and for the first time Drama was regretting her choice in a very revealing booby shirt.
But we made it out alive and had plenty of time to laugh about it as we sat in traffic in the mass Exodus from NYC on a holiday weekend.

We can't wait for next year and the pictures that went out earlier just prove that we had a great time. Not to mention that because of the photos, E has signed up for Botox injections, I will now be working with my trainer 3 times a week and Drama is going to buy some cover ups for any other 'homeless man while in a convertible run-ins.'

Sorry, I really thought I could keep this short.

Have a great holiday weekend.

Xoxo, Cheers!

Oh, and I am on the way to the doctor for a Tetanus shot 'cause my thumb is now throbbing in pain!!!!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The "Party"

Oy! Today was Adam’s birthday and I think I succeeded in making it the worst 5th birthday celebration ever. I hope that he will be able to strike the events of today from his memory.

Because it is the last weekend of summer (alright, it may not be the end of the summer solstice, but you get the point) all of Adam's friends are away. It really has not mattered much in past years because Adam was too young to understand birthday parties and the enormity of what they stand for.

Last week I asked Adam's camp counselor, Jack, if he would be able to come to a pizza party on today’s date to celebrate Adam turning 5. Jack answered with the enthusiasm that only a 21 year old can when asked to do something he would rather have nothing to do with. He said “Uhm, I guess.” I had to exchange phone numbers with Jack and I am telling you, it was kind of awkward.

I asked Adam’s tennis counselor Alex to come for the party too. He agreed to and I thought I ought to buy a little security with my invited guests so I slipped both Jack and Alex fifty dollar bills.

I completed my guest list by asking Gray, Adam’s 5 year old cousin to the party. So it was settled, 4 people would be here to celebrated Adam’s 5th birthday.

This morning we woke up, sang “Happy Birthday” to Adam and got the day started. I had to go get an ice cream cake and if I was a GOOD mother, I would have special ordered a cake weeks ago, but I have been focusing a lot of myself this summer, and the cake was not a priority. Now that it was the day of the party, the “party”, I knew I had to put my game face on.

I got the kids into the car and headed to Carvel… they would have an ice cream cake for sure. On the way there, I asked Adam what kind of cake he wanted. He said “Batman.” Cool.

We walked in to Carvel and over to the freezer case. No Batman cake.
I asked Adam to come up with a second choice.


No Spiderman.

Third choice?


No fucking soccer ball.
I was starting to feel really bad and after going through all the choices, we settled on the ONE sport that Carvel did have in the freezer cake. My five year old would be celebrating with a bowling ball cake. Sweet.

He was pissed, and I really could not blame him, but it was the ONLY sport themed cake in the case, and all the other cakes were either princess or Care Bear. I lifted the cake out of the case, showed it to Adam and Ellie (they both said “it sucks and is stupid.”) and I started to walk to the counter to pay. Of course I accidentally dropped the bowling ball cake top down right on to the floor, but it was still hard, so no damage done.

On the way home, I realized that I never confirmed with Jack and Alex, and knew I had better because Adam kept saying “Will my friends be here yet?” I kept thinking to myself “should I tell him that his “friends” are really paid extras that I am just lucky are around?” I chose not to, what with the whole bowling ball cake incident.

We got home and I had Adam and Ellie set up for the party. The “party.” It took no time at all to put out 4 plates and napkins.

During their lightening fast set up, I called Jack (which went in to voice mail) and reminded him to come to the party, the “party," and to be here at noon. I did not have Alex’s phone number, so I quickly looked up to the heavens and did a quick shout out to the birthday g-ds and asked them to deliver Jack and Alex on time. (Or anytime between noon and 2).

At 11:50, my nephew Gray showed up. His dad (who is an attorney and nothing gets by him) dropped Gray off. I knew that he was immediately onto my shit and could tell that he knew that I had absolutely nothing planned for this party. “Party.” So I quickly ushered my brother in law away and announced to Gray that he was the first one to arrive and therefore told him that he would win the “first to arrive” prize. He was curious about that and said good bye to his dad who I swear hand gestured a phone to Gray and mouthed “call me.”

As we watched Gray’s dad pull away, Gray asked me what the “first to arrive” prize was. I offered him a nice cold beer.

Gray and Adam went outside and started to play baseball, and happily Jack pulled in right at 12:45. I looked up and thanked the birthday g-ds. He brought a gift for Adam (a GIGANTIC water gun) and I knew that it was time to get this party started. This “party” started. The water gun contributed to 7 minutes of fun until it broke. (Thanks Jack, next time spend more than a dollar on a kids birthday gift!!!)

Then I broke the crowd in to two teams for baseball. Adam and Gray against Jack and me. The three of them though the teams were a little unbalanced, but I was in it to win it. Jack and I kicked ass.

At 1:30 I realized that I had totally forgotten to order the pizza, so I grabbed the phone and ordered. Adam's favorite pizza is spinach pizza, and that was what he requested even though it was met with a chorus of “yuck.” But Adam stood his ground and said “This is my fucking party, I am ordering spinach pizza. This day has sucked, I have no friends here and my mom never ordered me a cake, and what awaits us is a stupid fucking bowling ball cake. Now shut up and let me order my g-d dammed spinach pizza.”

Okay, maybe those were not his exact words, but I knew that's what he felt.

We continued to play baseball until the pizza arrived. Then we gathered around the table for lunch. Of course because no one else would eat the pizza, Adam refused to eat it too. I could tell that this party was going downhill fast and then I heard the words that I was dreading to hear.

“Mom, can we go in the pool???”

It was not for safety concerns that I did not want to go in to the pool. It was because I really did not want to wear a bathing suit in front of Jack. But I had to forget about my own ego and do this for Adam, so I asked Jack to watch the kids as I changed.

I ran upstairs and thought to myself 'shit, what do I do??! What would E and Drama do in this scenario?' I realized that E would just knock Jack out cold and revive him 10 minutes before the party, the “party,” ended, and I know that Drama would get Jack drunk and stoned. Then I had to quickly choose between the hot pink bathing suit that I had that was open back, or the very low cut black one that would scream “I am desperate.” I chose the hot pink one and grabbed a bottle of wine as I went back to the pool.

Jack chose a cola over the wine, but I said fuck it and poured myself a big fat glass. Jack and I got to know each other really well in the next 40 minutes. He likes sushi, likes to travel, has goals (he is returning to college), AND, I found out, likes to play tennis.

Adam came up to me at around 2 o'clock (this party, “party,” was going overtime) and asked where Alex was. I told him that Alex could not make it on account of an ice storm, and Adam did not even question it. Again, I looked to the birthday party g-ds and said 'thank you.'

Finally it was cake time, and we all gathered around the table again. I brought out the bowling ball cake and even Adam (who is no dummy) tried to feign excitement. No one ate the cake either. It was too stupid looking to eat.

When Gray's dad showed to take Gray home, he could tell that I was drunk and that the kids looked like they were waiting to get out of a detention center. Gray asked for his goody bag. Which made my head spin and my eyes pop. I was complimented that he asked for a goody bag because we all know that a goody bag means party!!!! PARTY. No quotation marks needed!

But then I realized that I had no goody bag and ran in to the house to fill a brown paper bag with dried pasta noodles and beans. I even threw in a few dried out markers and broken crayons. And just for a goof, I threw in a $20 bill. I gave Gray the bag and told him he had to search for the prize. I knew that he would roll down the window of the car and throw the whole thing out. I just hoped he would find the money first.

Anyway, Jack was really kind when he left and told Adam that he was Jack's favorite camper and told Adam that he would call when he was home on break.

I can admit defeat. Today sucked. But little does Adam know that tomorrow when he wakes up, there will be a crowd of kids waiting in the kitchen to yell “surprise” when he comes down for breakfast. (I recruited kids from the “C” list, as even the “B” list kids are all away.) I called them all about an hour ago and we are good to go. One mom said that her daughter had been throwing up with a fever all day, but I said “great, bring her.”

I also called the bakery and was willing to pay an un-g-dly amount to have a Batman cake all made up by 6am tomorrow morning.
I think tomorrow will be great and hopefully Adam looks forward to other birthdays in the years to come.

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