Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Not One Single Thing

Well, out with the old, in with the new. I hope that 2009 will be a year of all good things. Of course, we must anticipate some not so great times, but that is only because none of us lives under a rock.

(And by the way, that IS correct grammar... "none" is singular for "not one", therefore when using "none" in a sentence, you must always make it singular. In fact, people always say "none are", when that is incorrect. The proper way to say it is "none IS"... even though it sounds funny, but as I said, "none" stands for not one... and you would not say "not one are", you would say "not one IS." So, with the exception of my friend Robin (who is always correcting my grammar), many of you may have just learned something today.)

As I was saying, go out and make it a great new year. Do something this coming year that you thought you could never do. Don't hold yourself back. (Unless of course it is something illegal and could either land you in jail or harm someone else.)

Enjoy family and friends, and if your current friends suck, or are questionable, dump them and get new ones. Your friends should only bring joy in to your life, and bring you up when you are feeling down.

Change your hairstyle, or your hair color. Hey, if you can afford it, why not change your entire wardrobe? Maybe even change your life style. Have fun this coming year!!!

Be safe, be strong and be your best.


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Saturday, December 27, 2008


Well, with Christmas behind us and one more night of Hanukkah to go, I can start to focus on the new year. I have a few resolutions that I would like to share with you all.

But first, I want to acknowledge the Hanukkah miracle of oil being $39 a barrel.

Now, let's move on to the resolutions:

I will try to curse less in 2009.

I will also try to cut back on my calls to poison control and 911. (I still think that dead deer did qualify as an emergency...)

I will try to be more courteous of my fellow swimmers (bullshit).

I will also try to spend less $$$.

That last one is a big one.
I am NOT going to try to be nicer to people. If I were nicer, I would just get walked all over. And honestly, I am not even going to say that I resolve to lose weight, 'cause that has been my big ticket item every year for new years resolutions, and it seems to be a tricky one to follow through with.

So, that being said, out with 2008, in with 2009.
Hopefully 2009 will be a big year for all of us. I hope that we all find happiness, health and something to make us laugh out loud at least once a day. I really mean it... I hope that we can all laugh out loud at least one time a day every day for all the days of 2009.

As for the reality of next year, on Monday I have to get the kids registered at their day camp. They will be going to a new day camp this year that offers busing.

This past summer, that sounded so appealing. But the other night I sat straight up in bed in a panic attack that I cannot let my kids go on a bus to camp!!! Ellie is not even in a booster seat yet, and Adam would probably freak that first day when he and Ellie had to get separated from each other once they got off the bus. I had an image of Adam crying hysterically and Ellie just being taken away to her group not seeming to give a shit. But Adam would be devastated. Then I could see the camp calling me every day to come get Adam.

I was going to call the camp on Monday and inform them that I will be driving the kids to camp, but when I told this to my mother, she told me that I am the one that is going to have separation anxiety, not my kids, and that Adam will probably be the happiest kid in the world knowing that he is going to be playing sports 6 hours a day every day. And she reminded me that clearly they would not offer bus transportation if they could not provide the adequate safety seats for 4 year olds.

I told her she was right, (but my fingers were crossed) and on Monday I am still going to call the camp, but I am going to offer to drive the bus. I am pretty sure Adam would LOVE that... all the other kids would be allowed to watch their DVD players and goof around, but I would make him and Ellie sit behind me and I would make them play "I spy", learn how to speak basic French and force them to eat their breakfast on the bus (banana and Grape Nuts for lots of energy).

No doubt that if the camp allows me to be the bus driver for our route, Adam and Ellie will not have ONE friend in camp. And honestly, even if they do NOT allow me to be the bus driver, I'd just be following the bus every day, so really what is the point of having them be on the bus and not in my car.

See how difficult this decision is??!?!??!?!??!
Looks like I may need my therapist to weigh in on this one. Am I really that much of a wimp???

Anyway, I am off to bed. Both kids are passed out, and I am getting up early tomorrow to do you-know-what.

Ciao, ciao.

For now.

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Charlie's Angel

Again, I did not send the kids to school today. Really, what was the point? To send them for one day when they are still coughing and sneezing made no sense to me, so I planned a field trip to the stores with them.

But, first I had to cancel my trainer and told him that I was keeping the kids home from school because they were sick. He totally called me out and told me that he would show up at my house as planned and would charge me regardless of whether I was there or not, so OF COURSE, I had to honor the session.

The workout was a very good one and I was actually very glad that I kept it. The kids acted as water boys and towel boys and Ellie even rubbed my tush after my squats. THAT was a little awkward, but hey, what happens during training sessions stays in training sessions.

At one point the trainer pushed me so hard aerobically that I dry heaved so hard that I actually puked a little. He asked if I was pregnant, and I explained that the role of immaculate conception had already been give away years and years ago. I told him that I was most definitely NOT pregnant, and explained that he was just asking too much of me.

I asked him "what is it exactly that we are training for anyway???!!!!??!" And he responded "I can't tell you."


Am I being trained by Charlie and am I suddenly an Angel that is going to be given a super shady mission soon? (He HAS had me doing a LOT of boxing moves lately) and he continued to drop that fucking medicine ball on my abs 50 times again today. Well, whatever my super shady mission might be, it will involve running at fast speeds for 2 minutes at a time. He (my trainer) (who must be Bosley because I don't think I am allowed to ever meet Charlie) has me get on the treadmill for 2 minute sprints 4 times during the session between weight training, boxing and squat things.

Anyway, the session was great and I am going to see him 2x more this week alone. I am going to ask this "Bosley" to drop hints... Just to be safe I think I should go buy that gorgeous new coat I have been eyeing in case I need to jet to Europe at a moments notice.

The kids were thrilled when 12:30 rolled around and their most beloved babysitter came over.

I went to Kohl's to do some last minute shopping for kitchen appliances that I knew would be on sale. It really is true that I live in my own little world because talk about shock and awe! I could not believe the crowd. I guess people really DO wait until the last minute to buy holiday gifts.... I was just heading out to get stuff because I needed (wanted) it.

When I got home from Kohl's, there was a message on my machine from the director of Adam's school asking how Adam was and left word that "Adam had the starring role as the only Jewish boy in the class holiday show."


I asked Adam if he knew about the class show and he had no clue what I was talking about. I think the director was just trying to make me feel guilty for not showing up because I had signed up to bring in an antipasto platter. (My kids' schools use me for food.)

Anyway, I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, a continued Happy Hanukkah, and a happy Festivus for those who may celebrate that.


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Monday, December 22, 2008


Today was so cold out that I did not even entertain the thought of taking my kids to school. I decided that if ever there were a day to try home schooling, today would be that day.

I started the day with home ec. We made breakfast. Oatmeal with flax seeds. Ellie ate it with brown sugar. Adam flushed it down the toilet.

After breakfast, I had Ellie and Adam drag chairs over to the sink and wash the dishes. Then it was "craft time." We made four pots of homemade play dough. Adam made blue and green, and Ellie made two pots of pink. We sat around the table making dinosaurs and jungle animals. (It was only 8:08 am and I was thinking that if I hurried, I could still make it to their schools by drop off time.)

By 8:15 craft time was over and it was time for lunch. In Europe. But we live in New York, so too early to eat.

I decided it was phys ed. time. I had the kids change in to warm-ups and I changed in to my nicest tennis skirt. I told them to meet in the upstairs tv room with water bottles and towels.

So, by 8:27 am the three of us were in the upstairs room just looking at each other. There was only one treadmill, and I am the fattest, so I got to use it. I had the kids do jumping jacks and push ups while I jogged for 2 miles. (They did not last more than 13 seconds), so while I jogged, I encouraged them to play with Lego's. That worked.

I jogged, then did my ab workout, then my arm workout, and then ran up and down the stairs 5 times in a row. I got back on the treadmill for a 2 minute jog, then more abs and arms, and another 5 stairs.

Then it was time for me to lie on the ground and teach the kids about dialing 911. Which led to a mini lesson about our address, phone number and last name.

It was 9:09 am.

I had the kids make their beds and clean up their rooms, and told them that I would do the same. This was an activity that actually took a while, and I told them "whoever has the cleanest room at the end gets to choose the next activity." (That's probably how teachers decide what comes next in their day too, right? The best behaved/ cleanest kid picks what comes next??!?)

At 9:45, I blew a bull horn (my dad gave me one when I was in college) and I went through the hall way announcing my arrival to their rooms. (They didn't really appreciate the humor in my saying "Police, open up!").

Then I opened up the window and bull horned across the street to my neighbor that I would not be able to make it to her house tonight for book club. (I had to call her about it anyway, and I figured the bull horn saved me a nickel.)

She yelled something back but I could not hear her so I said in to my bull horn "What? I can't hear you.... call me." (Did she really think that I would be able to hear her yelling something to me from across the street WITHOUT a bull horn?)

When the phone rang, I totally screened it because I was busy homeschooling and did not want to take time away from teaching my kids. (I know she hates me and by my not answering the phone when she KNEW I was home probably really sealed my fate with her. However, I got a chuckle out of it.)

After announcing that Adam was the clear winner of the bedroom clean up, he was awarded the honor of choosing the next activity as promised. (I try really hard not to break promises with my kids.)

He chose to play the air hockey game that Hanukkah Harry had given him the night before. That was a good choice and playing that brought us all the way to 10:20 am.

Then Adam asked if we could go outside. I told him it was "too cold." But he really wanted to go outside, so I told him it was "freeze your ass off cold." STILL he did not understand, so I told him "If mommy steps one foot outside in this weather, she will drop dead of a heart attack." To which he replied "That's okay, I know how to call 911."

Wise ass.

I told Adam and Ellie that it was too cold "for realz" and that to prove it, we could do a science experiment. I got three cups of water, let the two of them put food coloring in to their respective cups and I kept my water clear. Ellie made red, Adam made green and we put the cups outside to see how long they took freeze. (I have to tell you, I was quite impressed that by 11am, I had already covered, home ec, phys ed, housekeeping and now science.)

At 11:30 I turned on the television for them. The Princess Bride. They were good to go. I got a little Facebook time in and was able to make some business calls.

When it was lunch time, the three of us sat down to grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches on whole wheat with carrots and celery stix and HUGE blackberries for dessert.

We then did a load of laundry and I taught the kids to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life For Us" from Annie. (That was because they started to whine a little for having to do chores.)

We checked the water an hour and half after we put it outside and Ellie's was the only one that was turning to ice. They asked me why. I had no fucking clue and at that point I was starting to eye the bottle of wine on the shelf, when just then the doorbell rang.

It was the mail man!!!!!! Hallelujah!

The kids thought it was a "special assembly." They asked the mail man a few questions like "Do you get cold?" "Do you like to drive?" "Where do you eat your lunch?" But the all time winner of questions had to be Adam who asked "Can you drive me to school?"

Anyway, the rest of the day went well, it really did.

I turned on the indoor jumping castle, and the kids got their exercise in and after that, they sat and read books for "library time."

They really are good kids and even thought the morning DRAGGED on forever, the afternoon kind of flew. They are asleep now (7:45pm) and I will be turning in too. I will be at the pool by 5:15 in the morning, and then the kids have one day of school before the Christmas break.

Having today under my belt empowered me and I realized that I could do it again if I had to, but to do it for 10 days in a row will be tough. That is why I am so very glad that Christy is home and can babysit for a few hours here and there.

All in all, it was a great day, and I really did have fun. And it proves that I really do have the best job in the world.

However, I could NEVER EVER home school my kids. Not being able to answer the question about ice proved it. And g-d forbid I had to do real math.

Ciao, ciao.

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

4 + 2 = 5

Okay, in going back and reading my past blogs, I see that I curse an awful lot. My mother would be appalled and would no doubt call in child protective services. However, while I feel that cursing is classless, it is also very cathartic and not meant to hurt anyone.

In fact, I would rather my children curse than use hurtful words.

Last year when we were running late in getting to school, Adam directed Ellie to "get in the car, you fucking loser." I had to tell him that "loser" was NOT a word we use in this house.

Words that are banned from being used in my house are "stupid," shut up," "idiot," "fatty," and "ignorant." Just to name a few.

But cursing does not bother me as much as it does some other parents. Of course the day that one of my kids calls the teacher "fucker", I will have to re-think my logic.

I will try to curb my cursing for these blogs, but when it seems appropriate, I may throw one in.


Yesterday the kids and I spent a lot of time outside playing in the snow. Well, when I say "a lot of time," I really mean 20 minutes. I froze my tuchus off and invited the kids inside to make potato latkes and have some chicken soup.

I got no takers. Adam told met that he wanted hot chocolate like "all the other NORMAL neighborhood kids", but I really hate giving my kids sugar. So I re-offered the latke and soup invitation and Ellie caved.

Adam decided to stay outside and play which was fine with me. He has gotten very good at making snow balls. (I guess boys and balls go hand-in-hand.) Adam has also perfected the making of snow angels. He is in the imagination stage, so he was 100% fine to be outside playing and creating imaginary snow fight scenarios.

So Ellie and I went inside and started making latkes and chicken soup. (I say "making chicken soup" with liberty... I really just heated some up from a can.)

After an hour, I begged Adam to come inside. "Nope, not yet" he said. I was actually quite impressed with what he had going on out there, so I joined him outside for a while (10 minutes) and then again offered to have him come inside. Still no.

So I offered to give him cheese sticks. (What kid doesn't love cheese sticks?) "No, thank you," he said.

So he continued playing outside. Ellie and I pulled up chairs to the windows to watch him just in case hypothermia started to set in and he started acting weird.

This kid would NOT come inside and it started getting to the point where I was getting concerned. I thought it was too cold outside for extended play, but the mom accross the street with a gaggle of kids decided to just then send her kids outside to play, so of course there was no way I was going to get Adam in at that point.

After ANOTHER hour and 15 latkes later (I did not eat 15, just made 15) I again tried my luck with getting Adam inside. This time he and the neighbor's little shits, I mean kids, belted me with snow balls.

I tried to reason with Adam. It was going on 4 hours of his being outside and I had started to pull up articles of "death by exposure to cold air" on the Internet and the information scared me. I started asking Adam simple questions like "What is your name?" and "Who am I?" He passed those with flying colors but when I started asking him what 4+2 equaled, he came up with 5.

I knew it was time to get this kid inside. According to the article on hypothermia, first your brain freezes and and then it all goes downhill from there.

This time I offered to give Adam hot chocolate (I'm not a fan, but every mother has hot cocoa for their kids somewhere in the pantry). He refused. I offered him a grilled cheese sandwich. I got nothing. Chips? Hanukkah presents? Chocolate gelt?

NOTHING WOULD GET THIS KID INSIDE, so I had to think fast. I said to myself "what would my dad do?"

So I offered him a beer and a Playboy magazine.

Thank g-d Adam gave me a look like "what the f**K??" But then I got nervous that his brain was frozen so I took things in to my own hands and picked him up and brought him inside. Ellie was cheering me on and it turned out that Adam really was very happy to be inside. He ate his latkes and a big bowl of soup. I gave him a nice warm bath and he and Ellie played really well together for the rest of the day.

I was psyched when it was bedtime and I was glad that no Hanukkah gifts had to be spared to lure Adam in. I also asked him after he warmed up "how much is 4+2?" and his answer remained the same. "5." (He is so my kid.) However I was nervous that any moment he would take me up on the offer of a beer.

The only downside to this story is that Adam has the most horrendous cough this morning and I am waiting for the doctors office to open to bring him in. I am just hoping the cough is not pneumonia. The Internet has helped me rule out Hepatitis and Whooping cough. And even E-bola.

Okay, until later.

Ciao, ciao.

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Friday, December 19, 2008

The Right To Assemble

Today school was canceled due to a snow storm that finally decided to arrive well after the kids could have easily attended a full day of school. NO worries. I love snow days. Somehow a snow day is different from a weekend, don't ask why. (Perhaps it is because my soap opera is on.)

Anyway, the kids assembled and decorated 4 gingerbread houses and I assembled one huge ass doll house for Ellie all by myself. It had 103 parts to assemble, and I did it in 2 hours. And it actually looks exactly as it should, as opposed to the play kitchen that I assembled myself and it ended up looking more like modern art than anything else.

I put the doll house in Ellie's room and removed her Rose Petal Cottage (big Hannukah gift from last hear that she never fucking played in). Of course, as soon as I took the Rose Petal Cottage out of her room, it was all she wanted to play with. Go figure.

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Thursday, December 18, 2008

$1 Latkes

Okay, first of all the training session with E went really well yesterday. I fucking quit after 20 minutes.

This morning I went in to make potato latkes with Adam's class at his school which also happens to be at the health club. I made Ellie come with us and she totally accused me of forcing her to play hooky. Whatever. She clearly had gotten over it in the first 15 minutes and proved it to me when she came up to me mid latke-making and said "Mommy, I like boys." (My kind of girl. Although I like men, not boys, but you catch my drift.)

Anyway, 20 kids (and my daughter in heat) gathered around me to make the latkes. We grated potatoes, onions and beat some eggs. We added flour and salt and we were good to go.

I told the kids all about the story of Hanukkah to which I heard a chorus of "Christmas is better" and even one kid chimed in "Christmas kicks Hannukah's ass" (Thanks Adam).

The director of the school came in to tell me that everyone was asking what smelled so good, and that the smell was permeating the club. She asked if there were any extras if she could pass the latkes out to some of the staff.

So, because I am no dummy (other than making a huge mistake by going to Costco the weekend before Christmas and the day before a huge snow storm), I told her "I will sell my latkes for $1.00 each."

I made $13 today. Nice. I really am Martha Jewart.

As I write this, the kids are asleep and I realize now would be a great time to hop on the treadmill and kick my own ass, so that is exactly what I will do.

Ciao, ciao for now.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Swimming in the 'ool

Okay, so this is the entry for today. I got up at 4:45 am and put on my bathing suit and sweats. I drove to the club in complete darkness and was pretty sure that I saw a UFO flying over the Saw Mill Parkway at some point, but I did not slow down to investigate (g-d forbid I was not the THIRD person to arrive at the club).

My boy Simon (he is from Australia (gorgeous) and arrives every day in a limo) was there to greet me at 5:05. I say "greet me" loosely, as I kind of think he is there for himself, not so much for me. But he is always very kind to me and says "hi" in only a way that Simon can. He completes me.

Anyway, I swam my laps, and at some point took my bathing cap off and was a bit of a recluse in breaking the ONE rule that applies to swimmers (you must wear a bathing cap). But now that I am in with the owner, I said to myself "fuck it, I am breaking this rule."

I can only trust that the unwritten rule of NOT peeing in the pool is understood by everyone.

After my swim, I showered and applied my own body lotion because as I mentioned yesterday, I smelled like a NYC cabbie. I smelled like a tropical coconut with an undeterminable other scent. I was not digging it. Anyway, today my cream smelled like cleanliness.

I left the gym, came home, prepared breakfast and got the kids ready for school. After dropping the kids off, I raced home, emptied the dishwasher, LOADED the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and got ready for my trainer. By getting ready for my trainer, I put on an all 80's XM station and threw my hair back in a pony tail. I also quickly shaved from my ankles to my mid-calf for when he stretched me out and has to grab around my ankles.

When my trainer arrived, I impressed him with my progress in cardio. I really did actually work out this week on my own aside from the swimming.

And then I made the dumb ass mistake of telling him that I think he has been slacking with my abdominal work.

The fucker had me get on the floor and do an abdominal workout that I don't even thing Sugar Ray Leonard could keep up with. HE THEN PICKED UP A MEDICINE BALL OUT OF HIS MARY FUCKING POPPINS BAG AND DROPPED IT ON MY STOMACH!!! He proceeded to do this 25 fucking times and each time told me to "tighten up my abs!!"

Well, excuse me, but don't you think that if I was in the shape to do this, I may NOT have thought that we needed to concentrate on my abs to begin with???!?!?!?!?!

All I know is that with each drop of the medicine ball, my boobs inflated even more and I swear once with one of the drops I think my head almost popped off.

Bottom line is he killed me today. Absofuckinglutely killed me.

I WAS going to ask him to start concentrating on my butt too, but who knows what kind of sadomasochistic behavior he would come up with????

Anyway, I am home and after I complete this I will prepare dinner... roast garlic chicken with roasted root vegetables, and homemade creamed spinach. With a BIG glass of red wine.

Of course I will tell my trainer that I ate an egg white omelette for dinner and drank a large glass of ice water with lemon.


Okay, carry on.


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Monday, December 15, 2008

Dead Weight

Okay, as soon as the sun rises, I will go outside and take a photo of the deer that had to be dragged off of my front yard and put into the woods.

The police would not come and dispose of the deer because it was on private property, so I had to put on industrial strength gardening gloves and drag by one hoof the deer in to the woods.

I had to call my super shady neighbor to help, as the term "dead weight" literally means dead things weigh a lot.

I am still a little spooked that my Facebook update on Saturday night was about my plan to hunt the deer that were eating my shrubs. Perhaps someone read my update and took care of business for me, and left the dead deer on my lawn to show their absolute devotion.

Fuck, now I hope it is not a stalker.

Or a hairy man from the club taking leaving dead deer as a sign inferring that I am next.


Sunday, December 14, 2008

Bigger Than ButtFarts

Today I catered a party in Chappaqua, and it went really well. Then I drove to Ridgefield, CT to meet my oldest, closest friend. As we were enjoying a cup of tea, I got a voicemail from Stephen saying “There is a dead deer on the front lawn. What should I do???” all the while with the two kids screaming in the background.

I called Stephen and told him “Do NOT, under any circumstances, perform a burial for the deer. This is a much bigger deal than ButtFarts.” And I told him that we would come up with a plan when I got home.

It is now too dark to do anything with the deer. I am hoping that a coyote or mountain cat (that is rumored to be in the area) will come and take care of it for us.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Staff Development

So the meeting went well. My suggestions were met with enthusiasm.

As for the hairy men in the pool, there will now be all male and all female lanes in the pool. A sign will be posted in the men's locker room advising of the waxing and other spa services that the club offers.

As for better looking lifeguards, the owner agreed with me, but he is not the one that hires, and therefore had little to no control over it. Though, note taken and upon any firing of current staff, he will ask that resumes be sent from Ford modeling agency as well as from the local colleges (just to be fair.)

He did implore to me how imperative it is to have lifeguards that actually ARE trained in CPR and other life saving skills. Based on my boy from the hot tub, he is right.

I then went out on a limb and told him that I think the food in the clubs cafe is extremely overpriced and only average at best. I thought that he could and should take some pointers from Canyon Ranch, and that I would be happy to go there as a "Staff Development" thing.

He pointed out that I an not employed by the club and therefore would not be going on any such trip unless it was out of my pocket book.

He had a point.

Anyway, tomorrow will be a big day for me at the pool. I am planning on having Keith (current lifeguard) fired.

Alright, good night, sleep tight.


Pain in the Neck

Okay, I am writing this after my training session, but before my meeting.

I thought getting a great workout in before meeting with the club owner would be a good know, get my adrenaline pumping and what not.

Big fucking mistake.

I can not even get myself dressed now from after showering. Bending down hurts and I am just going to have to wear a towel to the meeting. Luckily towels do not require being lifted over my head, and I can wear flip-flops which do not require tying, so I am good to go.

Of course I will look like an asshole, but I ain't afraid.

My fatal mistake with the trainer was telling him that my neck is very sore from the swimming (I figured that me get me out of all things cardio), but he seemed to not give a shit, and promised to stretch my neck out at the end of the session.


BTW, I work out at home with him (kind of intimate but NOT weird) and we had the XM Satellite on. Well, after the treadmill he had me go immediately in to front squats (legs open) while pushing a big heavy medicine ball out with my arms. As soon as I squated down wouldn't you fucking know the lyric "touch me right here" came on. OY!!!!! So what do I do? I start laughing hysterically and made a mountain out of a molehill.

We completed the session (after a good hour of my complaining) (and my changing the station to a classical music station) (no lyrics) and it was time to get stretched.

He stretches me after every session, and so I know that when I see that black table come out of the bag and get unfolded he is going to stretch me. At this point I am way beyond the sexual violation part that I thought was so unusual the first time he stretched me.

For the record I used to train with him at 5:30 in the morning and my kids would watch. Just from watching the stretching alone, they now know all they need to know about sex, so I will NOT have to have THAT conversation with them in future years. (Of course my trainer and I are always fully clothed, but lets just say he takes his job of stretching very seriously.)

Anyway, because I mentioned my stiff neck today, he changed up his stretching routine. Of course I was lying down on the table, and he started by stretching my head and neck to the right and left sides of my body (as would be expected), BUT THEN HE LIFTED MY HEAD FROM BEHIND, and pushed my neck in to my chest.

All I know is that I will call my doctor later and tell her that I just preformed my own mammogram.

I have never been so up-close and personal with my breasts. I now feel like I have to buy myself dinner tonight, it just feels like the right thing to do.

I totally got to second base on myself and it was NOT what I was expecting to do today.

Okay, I am off to the meeting.

Until later.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Hot Tub

As you know, I received a lovely bathing cap from my dearest friends on my birthday. I wear a Speedo one piece when I swim, and it is a racing suit which means it is easily 3x too fucking small on me. I look like a freaking Sumo wrestler.

Anyway, this morning when I was swimming, I was in the olympic size pool doing my laps, and there was an older gentleman in the hot tun that is a few feet away from the pool. The pool area is surrounded by glass on one side which allows swimmers to look out, and fans to look in. I happened to see one of my friends walking (I could see her through the glass), and I was waving very enthusiastically to get her attention, but of course she did not see me. However the man in the hot tub thought I was waving to him, and started waving back.
I nearly died. I stayed in the pool extra long until he left. HOW EMBARRASSING!!!!!


Okay, I will be turning in now to go to bed. I have my super big meeting with the owner of the club tomorrow. I created pie charts and really nice drawings to use as visual aids. His secretary called to confirm today, and told me I only had 15 minutes. Fuck that! I think she is trying to use scare tactics on me. I am a paying member of the club, I will take my sweet time.

I am wearing a new bathing suit under a really nice bathing suit cover. I got a pedicure and a manicure. I was always told to dress for the job you want, not the job you have, so I am dressing to impress. My normal day to day uniform of amazingly worn in 501's, a white shirt and sneakers may make him not take me seriously.
I also took hair off of my dog tonight and will bring it in as "exhibit A" to show him what hairy men leave behind in the pool. I hope tomorrow goes well. Wish me luck. I had a HUGE dinner of carbs just in case he wants me to demonstrate a few laps in the pool. Until tomorrow...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


Okay, so I was just saying to Drama and E the other day that I find that people "XO" each other with too much liberty and not enough discrimination.

In no way am I using the term "discrimination" in a prejudice way. All I am trying to say is that I feel that people are no longer selective in who they sign off to with an "XO."

I feel that "XO" used to be a term of endearment and now it is as common as "what's up?" It has lost its charm and is becoming way overused.

I even abuse using it. Sometimes I get carried away and even write "xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo." I write it to my friends, to my acquaintances, to my family.

And, case in point, I just "XO'd" the fucking tech support guy from Apple.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Get Lost

Here is what is going on with me today.

I decided to go for a walk by myself after dropping the kids off at their respective schools. It is the most gorgeous fall day here and I did not want to be inside in the gym and plus my horoscope said I needed "fresh air"...

Anyway, I started on the walk that I am very familiar with, but also a little bored of, so when I came to a fork in the road, I forked right.

It was a great call. It was a nice incline with the most amazing tasteful estates to look at. I was listening to my iPod and life was good.

Then, 45 minutes in to it, I got so fucking lost I ended up on the highway!!!!! I remembered that I had my phone. No, not to call 911, but to use the navigation system. For the first time, I was glad that I pay an ungodly amount per month for it because it really came in handy. Not that I was in the worst neighborhood, but because I was starting to get hungry and I had no idea where the heck I was.

I was able to navigate my way off the highway, and it said I only had 4.5 miles to go before I reached my destination!!!!!!


Knowing that, I panicked and talked myself into being starving. I got light-headed and considered calling 911.

But then I remembered my days as a camper and recalled that you could eat some grasses and berries. Something about 'shrooms too??!?!

I walked a little further and saw a bunch of day laborers building stone pillars for one of the mansions. I figured I could learn something new if I observed them, so I set up camp. I picked a few berries, learned a little Spanish, stole an enchilada out of one of the guys backpacks and I was good to go.

I knew exactly which direction to go in, and I figured it would take about an hour and 20 minutes.

It would have if it was flat!

There, ahead of me, was the biggest hill I had ever seen. In fact, it was a mountain. I psyched myself up for it and Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation" came on which I thought was ironic because really, who the hell was I talking to?

I started up the mountain. I was freekin' dying in about 2 minutes so I said " I will pick up a walking stick" and then laughed because I realized I was having a conversation.

The walking stick helped a little, but it was a sucky motivator and it made me feel like I was 100 years old so I dropped the stick and forged on while panting and crossing myself (even though I am Jewish).

Then I turned around.

No, not to go down the hill and give up, but to work out my ass muscles.

Let me just say that had I been facing forward I would have seen my friend approaching and I would have flagged her down for a ride, but instead I saw her fly down the mountain-hill leaving me in the dust.

No worries... my navigation system said 4.2 miles left. Fucking phew!!!!

I made it back battered and bruised and I barely have enough strength to hoist myself into the Sequoia. The only thing motivating me to do it was lunch.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


When I was younger I had such a repulsion to worms that it was almost debilitating. I would gag after a rainfall because it "smelled like worms outside." I took a failing grade in 9th grade biology because I could not, WOULD not, dissect an earthworm. In fact, I could not even be in the lab that day when my classmates did the assignment.

Once when I was walking in flip flops, I flipped a worm into the back of my shoe, unbeknownst to me. When I investigated what felt wet and slimy on my heel I screamed so loudly that passers by thought I was an escapee from a mental ward.

Over the past few years I have been trying to get over my phobia because I think the earth worm is here to stay. Plus, I don't want Adam and Ellie to adopt this irrational fear. Although, I don't think that will happen with Ellie. When she was 16 months old she ate half of a worm.

As I write this, Adam and Ellie are outside playing in the overly saturated back yard and patio area. They are playing after having attended a funeral for a loved one. I will explain.

After I picked the kids up from school, they begged to play outside. It had finally stopped raining after 3 straight days, the temperature was nice (78 degrees), and all I had to do was cook dinner and spend quality time on my Blackberry, so I thought “what the hell, no harm in it, let ‘em play outside.”

As I was preparing my pork roast with homemade onion jam, sauteed spinach and garlicky pan-roasted brussel sprouts, I happily observed the kids playing really nicely together. They were getting along so beautifully and I could tell that they were working very hard on a project. I was loving every minute of it from the inner sanctum of the kitchen. Life was good.

At one point Ellie came in to the house to use the bathroom, and I asked her what she and Adam were working so hard on? “A castle” she said. Intrigued, I followed her back out of the house.

Adam and Ellie had taken all the beach toys (buckets, shovels, horseshoes) and they had created quite a Kingdom for what, I was not quite sure.

And then I saw the Royal Subject, the fucking Mack Daddy of all worms. I swear it was part snake/part worm/part dingo-coyote. Adam and Ellie were building a huge castle for this worm and I was numb. Ellie was handling this reptile with such ease and grace and I was trying my hardest not to vomit. She placed it down very closely to the “Moat” of horse shoes and I warned her that if she put the snake/worm/dingo-coyote too close to the edge of the plastic toys while placing one down, it would cut their pet. She assured me that she and Adam were being very careful.

When I asked Adam what it's name was Adam answered "Butt." I then asked Ellie if she had agreed to that name, and she said "NO." Who could really blame her? So I said "ok, Ellie, what would you like to name it?" And she said "Farts."

When I mustered up the courage to look at ButtFarts, I discovered something a bit disturbing. Sure as shit, a large chunk of ButtFarts was missing from it's head (or tail). I don't know if earthworms have a head or a tail... Remember that I told you I refused to dissect one in 9th grade.

Anyway, Adam and Ellie discovered the large piece of ButtFarts next to him too. Ellie pointed and shouted with giggly glee "he pooped!" While heading back into the house I gently reminded them to take care of their pet.

I went inside, poured myself a glass of wine and started to count to 0 backwards form 20. I got to 11 before Adam came in and said “ButtFarts is dead.” “Yup, seems about right,” I replied to him. And told him to tell Ellie that we would have a funeral.

I went outside armed with an ice cream scooper to dig a grave. The kids gathered all of ButtFarts together and we buried him in a nice little ceremony. I asked the mourners if there was anyone that would like to speak a few kinds words about the deceased. Ellie volunteered and said “I loved ButtFarts. He was my best friend.” Adam chimed in “He was the best pet ever, and I will miss him.” Adam wanted to bury ButtFarts with a horse shoe, but I was not digging any deeper, or wider so I vetoed that idea. I had nothing to say (I really was just officiating the ceremony), and we agreed that ButtFarts was in a better place now. Which was fucking ironic to me, because if only ButtFarts had stayed in the ground like he was supposed to, none of this would have ever happened.

Anyway, the pork roast is almost done and in 20 minutes we will sit down for dinner. It was a big day for us here….. and I am confident that I have learned two things.

1) My kids are way too young for a pet.

2) I have no doubt that my kids will be haunted by ButtFarts spirit for years to come.

Friday, August 29, 2008

US Open Sores

Okay. I will try to keep this brief. In fact, I even tried not to write this at all, but enough people asked me for the blog of yesterdays field trip that here goes....

By the way, I am typing this without the use of my right thumb... I just cut it big time. And of course I have no bandaids in the house 'cause the kids have been using them as stickers. So I have a huge wad of Bounty paper towel taped to my thumb. (I'll be okay).

So... yesterdays trip to The Open started in typical fashion. I was dressed for The Open, Drama was dressed for a pool side cabana at The Four Seasons, and E was dressed for a shopping excursion to either 5th Ave, or SoHo.
I picked up Dumb and Dumber. (I know that sounds harsh, but read this whole blog and it will make sense very soon as to why I have dubbed them that.)

Now, even though we took a vote and the convertible beat out the Lexus, Dumb and Dumber were totally unprepared. I don't think they realized that a convertible meant "no top" which is surprising for one of the Dumber's 'cause her husband had a Lotus convertible.

So for the first 10 minutes I had to listen to a bit of "my hair is going to look terrible", etc. But then they pulled it together and good thing because the directions that Drama downloaded were really shitty, and were clearly meant for tourists, so we all had to put our collective heads together to figure out how to get there. However, within 40 minutes of leaving Bedford, we were in Flushing, Queens.

The only problem was that we chose to ignore the exit that was marked for "US Open Parking" and opted go one more exit just for a goof. Things got a little hairy for a moment, (E would want me to tell you at this point that we were really almost hit by a Mac truck, but last I checked, almost doesn't count!) and true or false... we drove by the SAME traffic cop 5 times?

FALSE!! Because we drove by him 6 times!!!! The sixth drive by was when I decided to ask traffic cop for directions to parking for the Open. He/she (not really sure and was tempted to drive by a 7th time to figure it out) told me "idiot girl, you mean to tell me that you have not seen the neon flashing sign that says "US Open Parking" in one of your many drive by's?"

So I said "why you gotta be like that, ma'am? I mean sir?" And sped away.... right in to the parking lot that said "FOR PERMIT PARKING ONLY." Not wanting to deal with hearing D & D'er say "When are we going to be there!?!?" I drove right up to the traffic cop at the parking lot and said "I am sorry officer, we don't have a permit, but can we please park here?" He looked at D, D'er and me and said "okay Ladies, sure!!" I didn't even have to leave Drama there as collateral, but I DID offer.

So we were heading to the parking lot when we saw "complimentary parking for Lexus vehicles." Well, we had voted and my car won, so I was very offended at the insinuation that we should have taken the Lexus just for the free parking!!!

Anyway, we parked and boarded the shuttle bus to the Open. I took it very seriously when the driver said that when we wanted to come back to the lot we had to "board the bus at the soccer field and get on the bus marked 1-7." So as D & D'er mocked me, I took a quick note of that instruction on my bberry.
We debarked the shuttle bus and started walking with the crowd towards The Open. But just then E got a phone call and got very involved with the caller. (I don't know...something about a drug dealer?!?!)

Drama and I just started walking and before we knew it we were walking over a boardwalk. The crowd was fairly thin... we just kept walking and walking (like a bunch of lemmings about to jump off a cliff) until we came to Shea or "Met's" Stadium as E (and NOW you know why she has the new nickname) called it. And believe me, Dumb and Drama (who was wearing a ridiculous pair of shoes "because E told me we wouldn't have to walk") (now you know why she is Dumber) would have KEPT on walking straight out of Queens (maybe would have even boarded the subway) if I did not have the sense to ask someone "uhm, can you please tell me where the Open is?"

Luckily the 11 year old kid was able to tell us "turn around walk the mile you came and then FOLLOW all the people!!!" Okay, we did just that. If only we had followed ALL of the people to begin with....

So, we get to the gates, had our bags checked and then maybe it was just me, but I swear all three of us then just stood there waiting (begging!) to be frisked. But the cop waived us in an we were in the hallowed grounds of the USTA!!!!

First things first!!!! We got the lay of the land in order of importance.... beer kiosk, Grey Goose kiosk, Ralph Lauren kiosk, Lacoste Kiosk, Arthur Ashe Stadium. So Dumb immediately spent $40 on three 22 ounce beers, and Dumber spent that much on three bottled waters. We then marched straight to Arthur Ashe Stadium.

Or so we thought. We were told "follow all those people up the ramp, that's where you wanna go!"
So we did. And then had to go up and up and up and up to the loge box. We had fun pronouncing THAT word for about 20 minutes and then finally FINALLY found our gate!!! We were told by the usher "keep walking to 134...this is 110." We started again on our walk and the same usher rushed over to Dumber and put his hands on her arms and said "NO!!! Not THESE stairs...keep walking!"

Well, FYI the usher clearly just wanted to touch Drama 'cause she was no where near any fucking stairs!!!

So we get to our seats just as the first set of the Blake/Darcis was ending. Wow!! Who knew that Blake and Darcis were guys? We gave Darcis a few nicknames and then it was time for another beer run. And 10 minutes after that, Dumb and Dumber went on a food run.

When they got back to the seats I was informed that Drama almost fainted and that she had to put her head between her legs. In my absence, E panicked and offered Drama a beer, something "bready" and Cracker Jax. I told them that in a situation like that, you offer WATER and then juice and then start CPR no matter what!!!

Just as we were settling in to our seats Darcis fucking RETIRED!!! What does that even mean??? I mean, I claimed to be retired three years ago, but in sports it probably means something else.

Bottom line... it is different than a forfeit, Blake won, and it was only 4 pm.

So. We decided to shop a little at the Open and then head to China Town for a few things.

The trip to China Town was fun... my navigation system took us through a really nice part of Queens suitable for the three of us in the convertible to be driving through, and then we went in to the Midtown tunnel.

Dumb and Dumber were frightened that they were gonna die of carbon monoxide poisoning (Dumber swore she could smell the odorless gas).... but I was surprisingly calm in the tunnel recalling aloud that my dad "lived and drove in the city for years in a convertible driving through tunnels, and therefore it must be perfectly safe!!!" Dumb said "well that explains why he is the way he is!"

We were all three very relieved to see the light at the end of the tunnel and we exited.
When we got to China Town, we parked in a "lot" that was no way gonna be there 15 minutes later, so we busted a move on a quest to buy fake watches. For the first time in our lives the three of us decided that China Town sucked, and the quality sucked and not worth the trip!!!

Yes, it is true that at one point, when we were stuck at a light on Canal Street, a very intimidating homeless man came over to the car with LOTS of open sores. So I did what every one in my position as driver would do... knowing I could not go anywhere, I put my blinker on and moved the car tires to the right. I had no where to go and told the gentleman, "I just really really want to make this light!" when he came over asking for pennies.

E really thought by pretending to act dead, that would keep the guy away, and for the first time Drama was regretting her choice in a very revealing booby shirt.
But we made it out alive and had plenty of time to laugh about it as we sat in traffic in the mass Exodus from NYC on a holiday weekend.

We can't wait for next year and the pictures that went out earlier just prove that we had a great time. Not to mention that because of the photos, E has signed up for Botox injections, I will now be working with my trainer 3 times a week and Drama is going to buy some cover ups for any other 'homeless man while in a convertible run-ins.'

Sorry, I really thought I could keep this short.

Have a great holiday weekend.

Xoxo, Cheers!

Oh, and I am on the way to the doctor for a Tetanus shot 'cause my thumb is now throbbing in pain!!!!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The "Party"

Oy! Today was Adam’s birthday and I think I succeeded in making it the worst 5th birthday celebration ever. I hope that he will be able to strike the events of today from his memory.

Because it is the last weekend of summer (alright, it may not be the end of the summer solstice, but you get the point) all of Adam's friends are away. It really has not mattered much in past years because Adam was too young to understand birthday parties and the enormity of what they stand for.

Last week I asked Adam's camp counselor, Jack, if he would be able to come to a pizza party on today’s date to celebrate Adam turning 5. Jack answered with the enthusiasm that only a 21 year old can when asked to do something he would rather have nothing to do with. He said “Uhm, I guess.” I had to exchange phone numbers with Jack and I am telling you, it was kind of awkward.

I asked Adam’s tennis counselor Alex to come for the party too. He agreed to and I thought I ought to buy a little security with my invited guests so I slipped both Jack and Alex fifty dollar bills.

I completed my guest list by asking Gray, Adam’s 5 year old cousin to the party. So it was settled, 4 people would be here to celebrated Adam’s 5th birthday.

This morning we woke up, sang “Happy Birthday” to Adam and got the day started. I had to go get an ice cream cake and if I was a GOOD mother, I would have special ordered a cake weeks ago, but I have been focusing a lot of myself this summer, and the cake was not a priority. Now that it was the day of the party, the “party”, I knew I had to put my game face on.

I got the kids into the car and headed to Carvel… they would have an ice cream cake for sure. On the way there, I asked Adam what kind of cake he wanted. He said “Batman.” Cool.

We walked in to Carvel and over to the freezer case. No Batman cake.
I asked Adam to come up with a second choice.


No Spiderman.

Third choice?


No fucking soccer ball.
I was starting to feel really bad and after going through all the choices, we settled on the ONE sport that Carvel did have in the freezer cake. My five year old would be celebrating with a bowling ball cake. Sweet.

He was pissed, and I really could not blame him, but it was the ONLY sport themed cake in the case, and all the other cakes were either princess or Care Bear. I lifted the cake out of the case, showed it to Adam and Ellie (they both said “it sucks and is stupid.”) and I started to walk to the counter to pay. Of course I accidentally dropped the bowling ball cake top down right on to the floor, but it was still hard, so no damage done.

On the way home, I realized that I never confirmed with Jack and Alex, and knew I had better because Adam kept saying “Will my friends be here yet?” I kept thinking to myself “should I tell him that his “friends” are really paid extras that I am just lucky are around?” I chose not to, what with the whole bowling ball cake incident.

We got home and I had Adam and Ellie set up for the party. The “party.” It took no time at all to put out 4 plates and napkins.

During their lightening fast set up, I called Jack (which went in to voice mail) and reminded him to come to the party, the “party," and to be here at noon. I did not have Alex’s phone number, so I quickly looked up to the heavens and did a quick shout out to the birthday g-ds and asked them to deliver Jack and Alex on time. (Or anytime between noon and 2).

At 11:50, my nephew Gray showed up. His dad (who is an attorney and nothing gets by him) dropped Gray off. I knew that he was immediately onto my shit and could tell that he knew that I had absolutely nothing planned for this party. “Party.” So I quickly ushered my brother in law away and announced to Gray that he was the first one to arrive and therefore told him that he would win the “first to arrive” prize. He was curious about that and said good bye to his dad who I swear hand gestured a phone to Gray and mouthed “call me.”

As we watched Gray’s dad pull away, Gray asked me what the “first to arrive” prize was. I offered him a nice cold beer.

Gray and Adam went outside and started to play baseball, and happily Jack pulled in right at 12:45. I looked up and thanked the birthday g-ds. He brought a gift for Adam (a GIGANTIC water gun) and I knew that it was time to get this party started. This “party” started. The water gun contributed to 7 minutes of fun until it broke. (Thanks Jack, next time spend more than a dollar on a kids birthday gift!!!)

Then I broke the crowd in to two teams for baseball. Adam and Gray against Jack and me. The three of them though the teams were a little unbalanced, but I was in it to win it. Jack and I kicked ass.

At 1:30 I realized that I had totally forgotten to order the pizza, so I grabbed the phone and ordered. Adam's favorite pizza is spinach pizza, and that was what he requested even though it was met with a chorus of “yuck.” But Adam stood his ground and said “This is my fucking party, I am ordering spinach pizza. This day has sucked, I have no friends here and my mom never ordered me a cake, and what awaits us is a stupid fucking bowling ball cake. Now shut up and let me order my g-d dammed spinach pizza.”

Okay, maybe those were not his exact words, but I knew that's what he felt.

We continued to play baseball until the pizza arrived. Then we gathered around the table for lunch. Of course because no one else would eat the pizza, Adam refused to eat it too. I could tell that this party was going downhill fast and then I heard the words that I was dreading to hear.

“Mom, can we go in the pool???”

It was not for safety concerns that I did not want to go in to the pool. It was because I really did not want to wear a bathing suit in front of Jack. But I had to forget about my own ego and do this for Adam, so I asked Jack to watch the kids as I changed.

I ran upstairs and thought to myself 'shit, what do I do??! What would E and Drama do in this scenario?' I realized that E would just knock Jack out cold and revive him 10 minutes before the party, the “party,” ended, and I know that Drama would get Jack drunk and stoned. Then I had to quickly choose between the hot pink bathing suit that I had that was open back, or the very low cut black one that would scream “I am desperate.” I chose the hot pink one and grabbed a bottle of wine as I went back to the pool.

Jack chose a cola over the wine, but I said fuck it and poured myself a big fat glass. Jack and I got to know each other really well in the next 40 minutes. He likes sushi, likes to travel, has goals (he is returning to college), AND, I found out, likes to play tennis.

Adam came up to me at around 2 o'clock (this party, “party,” was going overtime) and asked where Alex was. I told him that Alex could not make it on account of an ice storm, and Adam did not even question it. Again, I looked to the birthday party g-ds and said 'thank you.'

Finally it was cake time, and we all gathered around the table again. I brought out the bowling ball cake and even Adam (who is no dummy) tried to feign excitement. No one ate the cake either. It was too stupid looking to eat.

When Gray's dad showed to take Gray home, he could tell that I was drunk and that the kids looked like they were waiting to get out of a detention center. Gray asked for his goody bag. Which made my head spin and my eyes pop. I was complimented that he asked for a goody bag because we all know that a goody bag means party!!!! PARTY. No quotation marks needed!

But then I realized that I had no goody bag and ran in to the house to fill a brown paper bag with dried pasta noodles and beans. I even threw in a few dried out markers and broken crayons. And just for a goof, I threw in a $20 bill. I gave Gray the bag and told him he had to search for the prize. I knew that he would roll down the window of the car and throw the whole thing out. I just hoped he would find the money first.

Anyway, Jack was really kind when he left and told Adam that he was Jack's favorite camper and told Adam that he would call when he was home on break.

I can admit defeat. Today sucked. But little does Adam know that tomorrow when he wakes up, there will be a crowd of kids waiting in the kitchen to yell “surprise” when he comes down for breakfast. (I recruited kids from the “C” list, as even the “B” list kids are all away.) I called them all about an hour ago and we are good to go. One mom said that her daughter had been throwing up with a fever all day, but I said “great, bring her.”

I also called the bakery and was willing to pay an un-g-dly amount to have a Batman cake all made up by 6am tomorrow morning.
I think tomorrow will be great and hopefully Adam looks forward to other birthdays in the years to come.

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Saturday, July 19, 2008

Mi Corrector Ortográfico Es En Español

We are unofficially on our way home… I am just waiting for Ellie to finish collecting sticks and twigs because she wants to make a special project when we get home.

Good news is that I recovered quickly form my Meningitis, and Ellie seems NOT to have contracted an STD.

I ordered a big wooden bear to put in the woods at our house, got Drama an Adirondack bong and I got E a bobble-head duck-goose to put on the dash of her Lexus.

Okay, Ellie seems to be winding down the twig-hunt. We will be in the car by 9:50… home by 2ish. I am having Christy drive because my arms still hurt, and my Meningitis neck is still a bit sore.

I cannot believe that we survived a week at the lake house. We had a great, GREAT time. I did not even really use my Blackberry all that much, although first thing I have to do on Monday is go in to the Verizon store and ask them how to reset my settings. I must have clicked on something and now my spell-check keeps coming up in Spanish.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Forrest Tree Humps

Christy just took the kids out to dinner and miniature golf. I think today’s hike was a mistake.

I thought that it would be a one hour hike round trip, but I got us super lost and it ended up being close to a four hour hike. At least I will now have a frame of reference to use on Saturday in the car when the kids keep asking “are we almost home?”

I will say, “remember that hike, just pretend that we are going on that hike again, and by the end of your mental hike, we will be home.”

At one point during the hike, I became freaked out (although I do not think I let on to it) that we were very vulnerable to bears. Honestly, at the end of the day, what do I really fucking know about anything having to do with nature? Although I could swear that I heard once that bears do live in the mountains and here we were in the mountains.

I asked Christy nonchalantly, “What do you do if a bear attacks? Make your body all big and act like a bear? Or drop to the ground and pretend to be dead?” She was as clueless and luckily did not seem at all concerned.

After a few hours we came across a forest ranger who was able to guide us back on the trail. I had actually not even realized that we were OFF the trail. Had I noticed, I would have called for help on my phone…

Anyway, the forest ranger was a nice enough guy. He gave us some quick pointers about nature, and told me that bears do not really ever come out in the day time, so fucking phew about that one.

He also told us that in a forest, when a tree falls over, the stump becomes home to living organisms and then a lot of shit happens over time and another tree grows on top of the other tree stump. That is why there are so many trees on mounds in forests.

I told him that “When you are driving in a car on a highway, and you see little oil stains on the road ahead of you it means a little bump is coming up and that the oil stain is left from the previous cars going over the bump and every time a car goes over the bump, a little oil comes out.” Hard to tell if he was looking at me in absolute awe, or if he was looking at me like I was some fucking lunatic mother that probably should never had had kids in the first place.

Well, whatever, no worries and at the end of the day, here we are back safely at the lake house and I learned a thing about forest tree humps.

I am pretty sure I have meningitis as I can no longer move my neck in either direction and I think I may have a fever. Ellie is covered in a rash from head to toe, I am just hoping she did not pick up a venereal disease from the out-house toilet at the base of the mountain.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I Scored in Lake Placid

Ahh, today it rained which I kind of welcomed because my arms are fucking killing from all the swimming and bug swatting.

Christy and I packed the kids up and headed to Lake Placid. It was only an hours drive and unfortunately, my dad’s DVD player broke. Hey, it happens when it gets dropped down a flight of stairs. And into a lake.

Lake Placid was fun. We did some serious shopping. I think Adam and Ellie have enough Lake Placid shirts and sweatshirts to last us through the next 5 years. Although the one thing that Ellie wanted more than anything was a little plastic frog's head that was filled with green bubble bath. She INSISTED on having it, which I thought was a little strange, but I bought it for her. My mom once told me that her security blanket when she was a little girl, was the plastic sheet that lined her bed for bed-wetting, so I thought maybe the love of plastic things runs blood deep and I was not going to fight it.

Adam chose a shirt that I would not let him buy. There was a drawing of a hockey player and the shirt read “I scored in Lake Placid.”

That reminded me of the time my sister, mom and I were in Aspen and my mom wanted to buy a shirt that said “Give me Rossingol or give me Head.” I stopped her from that purchase, and to this day she still does not get it. My mom just thought at the time it was a nice little tennis shirt.

Anyway, the only purchase I made for myself was an Indian headed penny that dated back to 1712. I just googled “Indian headed pennies” on my blackberry and if I am reading the chart right, the penny is worth $47.50. Unless I am way off and I should be following the chart which places the pennies value at $6,150.

In either case, my arms and shoulders are in so much pain. I think tomorrow I will take the kids and Christy on a hike. I am getting a little tired of The Sagamore and to be honest with you, I think the family from Westchester is getting to be a little annoying.

I am getting used to the lake house and I am actually going to miss it. However, I will not miss the locals and I have been making dinners here now as opposed to going in to town to eat. I just think it is safer.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Two Topping Pizza

8:15 am

We are off to The Sagamore in 15 minutes.

Just a quick note that I took my walk and I sprayed my bug spray all over myself. I even wore a tennis visor and put on deodorant.
None of it worked. I still was attacked by the mother fucking hazing gnats. I must have a blood type that they don’t see up here too often in these parts of the Adirondacks.

Anyway, off to crash again. The whole key to breaking in at the resort is to get there BEFORE 9am which is when the gate-keeper starts asking for passes. Fucking idiots, I am a New Yorker…. I got street smarts. AND a resort towel. We are SO in, it is ridiculous. Plus the fact that I have a babysitter seals the deal. What rich family does NOT travel with a nanny, right?


So another great day at The Sagamore. I cannot believe that tomorrow is already Tuesday and we leave on Saturday which really means that we have until Friday to find stuff to do. Tomorrow it is supposed to rain, so I will take the kids and Christy to Lake Placid and spend the day there. That takes care of Wednesday and then I figure we will just head back to The Sagamore for Thursday and Friday and we will have had a great vacation.

Today Adam and Ellie played with the other Westchester family again. I am telling you that the mom is a serious walking encyclopedia. Today she told me that what I saw last night was a “dock spider” and that they are often confused with Tarantulas but that there are no Tarantulas in this part of the world.


However, dock spiders can still kill you.

Well, what then is the difference between a dock spider and a Tarantula? Their fucking wardrobe???!!!!? If a spider can kill a human then it is not something I want to mess with whether I am in NY State or in the Congo of South America.

I swam again for an hour and I am telling you, it is the BEST workout. Trying to keep from drowning from the huge waves caused by the motor boats and tour boats is no simple task.

We went out for pizza tonight and I am getting the distinct feeling that the locals do NOT like the tourists. I asked for hot peppers on my slice of pizza and when I sent back my slice explaining that I was given the wrong order, they told me that those WERE hot peppers on my slice. I figured I would take the time to give the chef a mini culinary lesson. (And by “chef” I mean dishwasher/pizza maker/gas station attendant.) I told him that what he had put on my pizza slice were olives. OLIVES. Not jalapeno peppers.

He then added a second topping to my slice which I recognized as spit and I got the point.

Christy, the kids and I left a $50 on the table and left.
Of course I am now no longer frightened that Jason will kill me, OR a bat, (maybe a dock spider), but I am pretty fucking sure that the boys from the pizza place may try to hunt us down later tonight. That is why I parked my car three houses down and we have all lights off and every door is blocked by large pieces of furniture. I told Christy that she has to sleep in my bed again tonight.

Tomorrow we are off to Lake Placid.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Rubber Soles

We had a great day at The Sagamore. Nothing like crashing at the beachfront of a $850 per day resort for free. We were only questioned once by one mom that wondered why we were not using the resort’s plush green bath towels as opposed to our own towels. I quickly explained that my kids have allergies to certain detergents and she bought it.

I knew we were good to go when a cabana boy came over and asked me if I would like to order lunch and charge it to our room. Just for a goof, I looked at the menu but told him that we would opt for our bagged lunch instead. Although I WAS tempted by the $48 lobster club sandwich.

Ellie and Adam made quick friends with two other kids that were also from Westchester. The mom and I started talking and somehow the conversation of dead bodies in lakes came up. (Okay, I totally initiated it, but she was a wealth of information.) She informed me that usually a dead body will float to the surface feet-first, as lots of bodies are dumped fully clothed, and the rubber from the shoes naturally make the feet rise to the surface first.

Good to know, and I took a mental note of two things.

1. I was very glad that I did not come face to face with a fucking Adidas sneaker during my swim yesterday.

2. That if, in fact, I ever WERE to kill Stephen and dump his body, I would have to make sure to rid his body of all rubber.

Around 1pm Christy took the kids to the resort's playground and I swam in the lake. Hey, this was a busy, bustling lake and the resort had lanes reserved for swimming. I was loving it and actually got my hours swim in. It was very choppy (a lot of motor boats), and I probably did the equivalent of a four hour swim during my one hour, just trying to keep from drowning.

We left The Sagamore at 5pm, and assured our new friends that we would be back in the morning and would see them then. (I also managed to steal a towel so that tomorrow at least I would look like I belonged.) (So reminiscent of the feeling of belonging from when I changed my phone number to the 232 exchange.

Anyway, it is now 9pm and I am heading to bed. I am very glad that I decided NOT to pack up last night and head back to Westchester. I really hate to be defeated. And tonight I enjoyed a very large 48 ounce glass of wine while sitting on the dock by the lake. There was a full moon and I realized that Jason was not out to kill me, that people (real people) lived here and that I would not be killed in the middle of the night. It was beautiful.

The only hiccup was the tremendous spider that was the size of a crab that crawled two feet in front of my deck chair. Let me just say that I have gotten quite good at hauling ass, and I made it back in to the house in 2 seconds. (Again, my math is not great and it may have been more like 30 seconds, but I was fast.)

So, I am going to bed and am looking forward to my walk in the morning (I bought bug spray at The Sagamore for $27) and I know that after my walk, I will pack the kids and Christy up for another day of crashing with the rich folk.

Crazy Killer on the Loose

We made it thought the night. I think I will let Christy sleep in her own bed tonight.

This morning I woke up and took an hour long walk along the lake shore. (I think we all know by now that I am NOT swimming in this lake ever again.) I had my iPod and I wore my nicest tennis outfit. I looked like a total Nike whore.

A few of the locals drove by and they probably thought to themselves “that must be a New York City spoiled princess.”

I was singing out loud to my music and thought to myself “yes, this is much safer than swimming in a corpse filled lake.” The road along the lake shore is not paved and again, I kind of felt like I was back at camp, and I was loving it. Eventually I walked far enough that I could go off of the lake shore road and walk along pavement for a while.

I must have walked about 6 yards (my math is really bad…what is that, like a quarter of a mile?) before I was attacked by little bugs. These little fuckers were swarming around me by the thousands and I was afraid to breathe as I most certainly would ingest a few hundred. So I started to run while swinging my arms in large circular motions and yelling “Go away, go away!!!”

(Insects speak English, don’t they??”)

Anyway, I was running, yelling, swinging my arms and listening to my iPod, hoping that once I got back on the dirt road, the insects should leave me alone as I did not encounter any of them on the walk TO the paved road.


It seemed like all the bugs called every bug in the Adirondacks to “come and haze the spoiled princess.” I was truly miserable and could not even run anymore (I can only jog a 15 minute quater mile as it is), so I was left with my one option of speed walking. All the while still yelling at the bugs, swatting them and rotating my arms in those huge circles.

Even though I was listening to my iPod and could not hear anything, I could sense that there was a car behind me and sure enough, I turned around to see a police car driving behind me at 2 mph. “Probably looking for Jason” I thought to myself.

But I was wrong. The police drove up next to me and asked me if I was alright. “I got scared and asked “WHY??!??!?!! Is there really a crazy killer on this lake?” To which he said “Uhm, that is what we are trying to figure out, ma'am. “

Well what the fuck does THAT mean????!!!?!?

I soon found out.

The police officer explained to me that one of the locals called in to report ME!!!!! Someone had driven by me and thought I was acting all weird what with my swinging of my arms and yelling “get away!!”

I explained to the officer that I was in fact of sound mind and that I was just bothered by the bugs. He understood and recommended bug spray. I was going to ask him if there was a chance of people dumping dead bodies in the lake that have gone undiscovered, but having just told him that I was up here alone with my kids and a sitter (no husband), I thought he may think my question was a little suspicious.

Anyway, in 5 minutes, Christy, the kids and I are leaving to crash The Sagamore Resort. We are going to sneak in there and spend the day at their lake front.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Saturday the 12th

We are still at the lake house. I am scared out of my mind. There is a full moon tonight and an unbelievable amount of fog. I swear Jason is just waiting out there for me. In fact, if I am NOT murdered tonight, I will be shocked.

The kids are asleep and I just emailed E and was able to download my exact location (latitude and longitude) on my blackberry's navigation system. If she does not hear from me by 8am, I have instructed her to report me dead and have someone come look for us.

Every light in this house is on. If there even are any other houses on the lake, you would never know it. The only sound I hear are the two kids and Christy sleeping. The kids are sleeping on either side of my bed in their sleeping bags and Christy is lying right here next to me… I forced her to. “Safety in numbers” I told her.

I also hear the waters of the lake lapping up against the shore. Normally I would categorize that as one of my favorite sounds, but tonight, with every little wave that hits, I am sure it is because of the wake Jason is making as he swims towards the house, hatchet in hand.

With all the lights on, you can imagine the plethora of insects flying to the windows trying to get to the light. This makes me think that if Jason does not get us first, a bat with rabies will.
If I am not asleep soon, I may just pack up the car and be on the road by midnight.