Saturday, July 19, 2008

Mi Corrector Ortográfico Es En Español

We are unofficially on our way home… I am just waiting for Ellie to finish collecting sticks and twigs because she wants to make a special project when we get home.

Good news is that I recovered quickly form my Meningitis, and Ellie seems NOT to have contracted an STD.

I ordered a big wooden bear to put in the woods at our house, got Drama an Adirondack bong and I got E a bobble-head duck-goose to put on the dash of her Lexus.

Okay, Ellie seems to be winding down the twig-hunt. We will be in the car by 9:50… home by 2ish. I am having Christy drive because my arms still hurt, and my Meningitis neck is still a bit sore.

I cannot believe that we survived a week at the lake house. We had a great, GREAT time. I did not even really use my Blackberry all that much, although first thing I have to do on Monday is go in to the Verizon store and ask them how to reset my settings. I must have clicked on something and now my spell-check keeps coming up in Spanish.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Forrest Tree Humps

Christy just took the kids out to dinner and miniature golf. I think today’s hike was a mistake.

I thought that it would be a one hour hike round trip, but I got us super lost and it ended up being close to a four hour hike. At least I will now have a frame of reference to use on Saturday in the car when the kids keep asking “are we almost home?”

I will say, “remember that hike, just pretend that we are going on that hike again, and by the end of your mental hike, we will be home.”

At one point during the hike, I became freaked out (although I do not think I let on to it) that we were very vulnerable to bears. Honestly, at the end of the day, what do I really fucking know about anything having to do with nature? Although I could swear that I heard once that bears do live in the mountains and here we were in the mountains.

I asked Christy nonchalantly, “What do you do if a bear attacks? Make your body all big and act like a bear? Or drop to the ground and pretend to be dead?” She was as clueless and luckily did not seem at all concerned.

After a few hours we came across a forest ranger who was able to guide us back on the trail. I had actually not even realized that we were OFF the trail. Had I noticed, I would have called for help on my phone…

Anyway, the forest ranger was a nice enough guy. He gave us some quick pointers about nature, and told me that bears do not really ever come out in the day time, so fucking phew about that one.

He also told us that in a forest, when a tree falls over, the stump becomes home to living organisms and then a lot of shit happens over time and another tree grows on top of the other tree stump. That is why there are so many trees on mounds in forests.

I told him that “When you are driving in a car on a highway, and you see little oil stains on the road ahead of you it means a little bump is coming up and that the oil stain is left from the previous cars going over the bump and every time a car goes over the bump, a little oil comes out.” Hard to tell if he was looking at me in absolute awe, or if he was looking at me like I was some fucking lunatic mother that probably should never had had kids in the first place.

Well, whatever, no worries and at the end of the day, here we are back safely at the lake house and I learned a thing about forest tree humps.

I am pretty sure I have meningitis as I can no longer move my neck in either direction and I think I may have a fever. Ellie is covered in a rash from head to toe, I am just hoping she did not pick up a venereal disease from the out-house toilet at the base of the mountain.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I Scored in Lake Placid

Ahh, today it rained which I kind of welcomed because my arms are fucking killing from all the swimming and bug swatting.

Christy and I packed the kids up and headed to Lake Placid. It was only an hours drive and unfortunately, my dad’s DVD player broke. Hey, it happens when it gets dropped down a flight of stairs. And into a lake.

Lake Placid was fun. We did some serious shopping. I think Adam and Ellie have enough Lake Placid shirts and sweatshirts to last us through the next 5 years. Although the one thing that Ellie wanted more than anything was a little plastic frog's head that was filled with green bubble bath. She INSISTED on having it, which I thought was a little strange, but I bought it for her. My mom once told me that her security blanket when she was a little girl, was the plastic sheet that lined her bed for bed-wetting, so I thought maybe the love of plastic things runs blood deep and I was not going to fight it.

Adam chose a shirt that I would not let him buy. There was a drawing of a hockey player and the shirt read “I scored in Lake Placid.”

That reminded me of the time my sister, mom and I were in Aspen and my mom wanted to buy a shirt that said “Give me Rossingol or give me Head.” I stopped her from that purchase, and to this day she still does not get it. My mom just thought at the time it was a nice little tennis shirt.

Anyway, the only purchase I made for myself was an Indian headed penny that dated back to 1712. I just googled “Indian headed pennies” on my blackberry and if I am reading the chart right, the penny is worth $47.50. Unless I am way off and I should be following the chart which places the pennies value at $6,150.

In either case, my arms and shoulders are in so much pain. I think tomorrow I will take the kids and Christy on a hike. I am getting a little tired of The Sagamore and to be honest with you, I think the family from Westchester is getting to be a little annoying.

I am getting used to the lake house and I am actually going to miss it. However, I will not miss the locals and I have been making dinners here now as opposed to going in to town to eat. I just think it is safer.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Two Topping Pizza

8:15 am

We are off to The Sagamore in 15 minutes.

Just a quick note that I took my walk and I sprayed my bug spray all over myself. I even wore a tennis visor and put on deodorant.
None of it worked. I still was attacked by the mother fucking hazing gnats. I must have a blood type that they don’t see up here too often in these parts of the Adirondacks.

Anyway, off to crash again. The whole key to breaking in at the resort is to get there BEFORE 9am which is when the gate-keeper starts asking for passes. Fucking idiots, I am a New Yorker…. I got street smarts. AND a resort towel. We are SO in, it is ridiculous. Plus the fact that I have a babysitter seals the deal. What rich family does NOT travel with a nanny, right?


So another great day at The Sagamore. I cannot believe that tomorrow is already Tuesday and we leave on Saturday which really means that we have until Friday to find stuff to do. Tomorrow it is supposed to rain, so I will take the kids and Christy to Lake Placid and spend the day there. That takes care of Wednesday and then I figure we will just head back to The Sagamore for Thursday and Friday and we will have had a great vacation.

Today Adam and Ellie played with the other Westchester family again. I am telling you that the mom is a serious walking encyclopedia. Today she told me that what I saw last night was a “dock spider” and that they are often confused with Tarantulas but that there are no Tarantulas in this part of the world.


However, dock spiders can still kill you.

Well, what then is the difference between a dock spider and a Tarantula? Their fucking wardrobe???!!!!? If a spider can kill a human then it is not something I want to mess with whether I am in NY State or in the Congo of South America.

I swam again for an hour and I am telling you, it is the BEST workout. Trying to keep from drowning from the huge waves caused by the motor boats and tour boats is no simple task.

We went out for pizza tonight and I am getting the distinct feeling that the locals do NOT like the tourists. I asked for hot peppers on my slice of pizza and when I sent back my slice explaining that I was given the wrong order, they told me that those WERE hot peppers on my slice. I figured I would take the time to give the chef a mini culinary lesson. (And by “chef” I mean dishwasher/pizza maker/gas station attendant.) I told him that what he had put on my pizza slice were olives. OLIVES. Not jalapeno peppers.

He then added a second topping to my slice which I recognized as spit and I got the point.

Christy, the kids and I left a $50 on the table and left.
Of course I am now no longer frightened that Jason will kill me, OR a bat, (maybe a dock spider), but I am pretty fucking sure that the boys from the pizza place may try to hunt us down later tonight. That is why I parked my car three houses down and we have all lights off and every door is blocked by large pieces of furniture. I told Christy that she has to sleep in my bed again tonight.

Tomorrow we are off to Lake Placid.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Rubber Soles

We had a great day at The Sagamore. Nothing like crashing at the beachfront of a $850 per day resort for free. We were only questioned once by one mom that wondered why we were not using the resort’s plush green bath towels as opposed to our own towels. I quickly explained that my kids have allergies to certain detergents and she bought it.

I knew we were good to go when a cabana boy came over and asked me if I would like to order lunch and charge it to our room. Just for a goof, I looked at the menu but told him that we would opt for our bagged lunch instead. Although I WAS tempted by the $48 lobster club sandwich.

Ellie and Adam made quick friends with two other kids that were also from Westchester. The mom and I started talking and somehow the conversation of dead bodies in lakes came up. (Okay, I totally initiated it, but she was a wealth of information.) She informed me that usually a dead body will float to the surface feet-first, as lots of bodies are dumped fully clothed, and the rubber from the shoes naturally make the feet rise to the surface first.

Good to know, and I took a mental note of two things.

1. I was very glad that I did not come face to face with a fucking Adidas sneaker during my swim yesterday.

2. That if, in fact, I ever WERE to kill Stephen and dump his body, I would have to make sure to rid his body of all rubber.

Around 1pm Christy took the kids to the resort's playground and I swam in the lake. Hey, this was a busy, bustling lake and the resort had lanes reserved for swimming. I was loving it and actually got my hours swim in. It was very choppy (a lot of motor boats), and I probably did the equivalent of a four hour swim during my one hour, just trying to keep from drowning.

We left The Sagamore at 5pm, and assured our new friends that we would be back in the morning and would see them then. (I also managed to steal a towel so that tomorrow at least I would look like I belonged.) (So reminiscent of the feeling of belonging from when I changed my phone number to the 232 exchange.

Anyway, it is now 9pm and I am heading to bed. I am very glad that I decided NOT to pack up last night and head back to Westchester. I really hate to be defeated. And tonight I enjoyed a very large 48 ounce glass of wine while sitting on the dock by the lake. There was a full moon and I realized that Jason was not out to kill me, that people (real people) lived here and that I would not be killed in the middle of the night. It was beautiful.

The only hiccup was the tremendous spider that was the size of a crab that crawled two feet in front of my deck chair. Let me just say that I have gotten quite good at hauling ass, and I made it back in to the house in 2 seconds. (Again, my math is not great and it may have been more like 30 seconds, but I was fast.)

So, I am going to bed and am looking forward to my walk in the morning (I bought bug spray at The Sagamore for $27) and I know that after my walk, I will pack the kids and Christy up for another day of crashing with the rich folk.

Crazy Killer on the Loose

We made it thought the night. I think I will let Christy sleep in her own bed tonight.

This morning I woke up and took an hour long walk along the lake shore. (I think we all know by now that I am NOT swimming in this lake ever again.) I had my iPod and I wore my nicest tennis outfit. I looked like a total Nike whore.

A few of the locals drove by and they probably thought to themselves “that must be a New York City spoiled princess.”

I was singing out loud to my music and thought to myself “yes, this is much safer than swimming in a corpse filled lake.” The road along the lake shore is not paved and again, I kind of felt like I was back at camp, and I was loving it. Eventually I walked far enough that I could go off of the lake shore road and walk along pavement for a while.

I must have walked about 6 yards (my math is really bad…what is that, like a quarter of a mile?) before I was attacked by little bugs. These little fuckers were swarming around me by the thousands and I was afraid to breathe as I most certainly would ingest a few hundred. So I started to run while swinging my arms in large circular motions and yelling “Go away, go away!!!”

(Insects speak English, don’t they??”)

Anyway, I was running, yelling, swinging my arms and listening to my iPod, hoping that once I got back on the dirt road, the insects should leave me alone as I did not encounter any of them on the walk TO the paved road.


It seemed like all the bugs called every bug in the Adirondacks to “come and haze the spoiled princess.” I was truly miserable and could not even run anymore (I can only jog a 15 minute quater mile as it is), so I was left with my one option of speed walking. All the while still yelling at the bugs, swatting them and rotating my arms in those huge circles.

Even though I was listening to my iPod and could not hear anything, I could sense that there was a car behind me and sure enough, I turned around to see a police car driving behind me at 2 mph. “Probably looking for Jason” I thought to myself.

But I was wrong. The police drove up next to me and asked me if I was alright. “I got scared and asked “WHY??!??!?!! Is there really a crazy killer on this lake?” To which he said “Uhm, that is what we are trying to figure out, ma'am. “

Well what the fuck does THAT mean????!!!?!?

I soon found out.

The police officer explained to me that one of the locals called in to report ME!!!!! Someone had driven by me and thought I was acting all weird what with my swinging of my arms and yelling “get away!!”

I explained to the officer that I was in fact of sound mind and that I was just bothered by the bugs. He understood and recommended bug spray. I was going to ask him if there was a chance of people dumping dead bodies in the lake that have gone undiscovered, but having just told him that I was up here alone with my kids and a sitter (no husband), I thought he may think my question was a little suspicious.

Anyway, in 5 minutes, Christy, the kids and I are leaving to crash The Sagamore Resort. We are going to sneak in there and spend the day at their lake front.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Saturday the 12th

We are still at the lake house. I am scared out of my mind. There is a full moon tonight and an unbelievable amount of fog. I swear Jason is just waiting out there for me. In fact, if I am NOT murdered tonight, I will be shocked.

The kids are asleep and I just emailed E and was able to download my exact location (latitude and longitude) on my blackberry's navigation system. If she does not hear from me by 8am, I have instructed her to report me dead and have someone come look for us.

Every light in this house is on. If there even are any other houses on the lake, you would never know it. The only sound I hear are the two kids and Christy sleeping. The kids are sleeping on either side of my bed in their sleeping bags and Christy is lying right here next to me… I forced her to. “Safety in numbers” I told her.

I also hear the waters of the lake lapping up against the shore. Normally I would categorize that as one of my favorite sounds, but tonight, with every little wave that hits, I am sure it is because of the wake Jason is making as he swims towards the house, hatchet in hand.

With all the lights on, you can imagine the plethora of insects flying to the windows trying to get to the light. This makes me think that if Jason does not get us first, a bat with rabies will.
If I am not asleep soon, I may just pack up the car and be on the road by midnight.

Of Sound Mind?

Today we drove up to the lake house. It was a three and a half hour car trip which could have been a disaster, but I got smart this year and borrowed a DVD player from my dad. The kids watched a couple of movies and it was really fine. Plus, E bought me a present… a portable potty. Knowing that I was traveling with plumbing made me feel like there was nothing I could not do.

Stephen did not accompany us on this trip, but Christy, the babysitter, did.

The entire way up, the excitement of being back on the lake was almost too much for me to bear. I spent 7 years at a beautiful camp on a gorgeous lake in New Hampshire and since then I have always considered myself a lake person as opposed to a pool person. Or an ocean person, or a strait person or a sound person. "Strait" and "sound" being bodies of water, that is.

Anyway, the kids and I were cheering when we approached the lake house and I was amazed at their total recollection of the house. They were psyched and we all wanted to jump in the lake.

The house was a little less glamorous than I had recalled, but who cares? We were here for the lake!!!! I announced to the kids to “get in swim suits and meet in the living room in two minutes to go swimming!!!!”

We walked out of the house and down the steps to the lake. When I say this is a lake house, I mean it. This is a lake house… built in to the shores of Lake Paradox. Beyond beautiful. I was in heaven.

The kids, Christy and I spent about 10 minutes in the lake before Adam announced that he wanted to play pool in the lake house’s game room. I said that was fine, and asked Christy to watch the kids as I went out for an hours swim. I have been swimming every day at home for an hour, and every day I think to myself, “If only this were a lake.”

Finally my wish was coming true. I started out on my swim and I took several deep breaths thinking to myself “Ahhhh, heaven.” This is what I have been waiting for. As I swam I thought to myself, “This is perfection. There are no motor boats, not many houses on the lake, total serenity.”

A few more strokes in and I thought to myself, “Geez, I could die out here an no one would know it.”

And then I thought, “If I were really to ever kill my husband this is where I would dump the body, no one would ever know."

And then I thought, “Holy shit!! What if someone DID die out here and their body floats to the surface as I am swimming and I bump in to it??!?!?!?!”

So I hauled ass back to the house and I am too spooked to go back in to the lake again!!!!!!!