Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Not One Single Thing

Well, out with the old, in with the new. I hope that 2009 will be a year of all good things. Of course, we must anticipate some not so great times, but that is only because none of us lives under a rock.

(And by the way, that IS correct grammar... "none" is singular for "not one", therefore when using "none" in a sentence, you must always make it singular. In fact, people always say "none are", when that is incorrect. The proper way to say it is "none IS"... even though it sounds funny, but as I said, "none" stands for not one... and you would not say "not one are", you would say "not one IS." So, with the exception of my friend Robin (who is always correcting my grammar), many of you may have just learned something today.)

As I was saying, go out and make it a great new year. Do something this coming year that you thought you could never do. Don't hold yourself back. (Unless of course it is something illegal and could either land you in jail or harm someone else.)

Enjoy family and friends, and if your current friends suck, or are questionable, dump them and get new ones. Your friends should only bring joy in to your life, and bring you up when you are feeling down.

Change your hairstyle, or your hair color. Hey, if you can afford it, why not change your entire wardrobe? Maybe even change your life style. Have fun this coming year!!!

Be safe, be strong and be your best.


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Saturday, December 27, 2008


Well, with Christmas behind us and one more night of Hanukkah to go, I can start to focus on the new year. I have a few resolutions that I would like to share with you all.

But first, I want to acknowledge the Hanukkah miracle of oil being $39 a barrel.

Now, let's move on to the resolutions:

I will try to curse less in 2009.

I will also try to cut back on my calls to poison control and 911. (I still think that dead deer did qualify as an emergency...)

I will try to be more courteous of my fellow swimmers (bullshit).

I will also try to spend less $$$.

That last one is a big one.
I am NOT going to try to be nicer to people. If I were nicer, I would just get walked all over. And honestly, I am not even going to say that I resolve to lose weight, 'cause that has been my big ticket item every year for new years resolutions, and it seems to be a tricky one to follow through with.

So, that being said, out with 2008, in with 2009.
Hopefully 2009 will be a big year for all of us. I hope that we all find happiness, health and something to make us laugh out loud at least once a day. I really mean it... I hope that we can all laugh out loud at least one time a day every day for all the days of 2009.

As for the reality of next year, on Monday I have to get the kids registered at their day camp. They will be going to a new day camp this year that offers busing.

This past summer, that sounded so appealing. But the other night I sat straight up in bed in a panic attack that I cannot let my kids go on a bus to camp!!! Ellie is not even in a booster seat yet, and Adam would probably freak that first day when he and Ellie had to get separated from each other once they got off the bus. I had an image of Adam crying hysterically and Ellie just being taken away to her group not seeming to give a shit. But Adam would be devastated. Then I could see the camp calling me every day to come get Adam.

I was going to call the camp on Monday and inform them that I will be driving the kids to camp, but when I told this to my mother, she told me that I am the one that is going to have separation anxiety, not my kids, and that Adam will probably be the happiest kid in the world knowing that he is going to be playing sports 6 hours a day every day. And she reminded me that clearly they would not offer bus transportation if they could not provide the adequate safety seats for 4 year olds.

I told her she was right, (but my fingers were crossed) and on Monday I am still going to call the camp, but I am going to offer to drive the bus. I am pretty sure Adam would LOVE that... all the other kids would be allowed to watch their DVD players and goof around, but I would make him and Ellie sit behind me and I would make them play "I spy", learn how to speak basic French and force them to eat their breakfast on the bus (banana and Grape Nuts for lots of energy).

No doubt that if the camp allows me to be the bus driver for our route, Adam and Ellie will not have ONE friend in camp. And honestly, even if they do NOT allow me to be the bus driver, I'd just be following the bus every day, so really what is the point of having them be on the bus and not in my car.

See how difficult this decision is??!?!??!?!??!
Looks like I may need my therapist to weigh in on this one. Am I really that much of a wimp???

Anyway, I am off to bed. Both kids are passed out, and I am getting up early tomorrow to do you-know-what.

Ciao, ciao.

For now.

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Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Charlie's Angel

Again, I did not send the kids to school today. Really, what was the point? To send them for one day when they are still coughing and sneezing made no sense to me, so I planned a field trip to the stores with them.

But, first I had to cancel my trainer and told him that I was keeping the kids home from school because they were sick. He totally called me out and told me that he would show up at my house as planned and would charge me regardless of whether I was there or not, so OF COURSE, I had to honor the session.

The workout was a very good one and I was actually very glad that I kept it. The kids acted as water boys and towel boys and Ellie even rubbed my tush after my squats. THAT was a little awkward, but hey, what happens during training sessions stays in training sessions.

At one point the trainer pushed me so hard aerobically that I dry heaved so hard that I actually puked a little. He asked if I was pregnant, and I explained that the role of immaculate conception had already been give away years and years ago. I told him that I was most definitely NOT pregnant, and explained that he was just asking too much of me.

I asked him "what is it exactly that we are training for anyway???!!!!??!" And he responded "I can't tell you."


Am I being trained by Charlie and am I suddenly an Angel that is going to be given a super shady mission soon? (He HAS had me doing a LOT of boxing moves lately) and he continued to drop that fucking medicine ball on my abs 50 times again today. Well, whatever my super shady mission might be, it will involve running at fast speeds for 2 minutes at a time. He (my trainer) (who must be Bosley because I don't think I am allowed to ever meet Charlie) has me get on the treadmill for 2 minute sprints 4 times during the session between weight training, boxing and squat things.

Anyway, the session was great and I am going to see him 2x more this week alone. I am going to ask this "Bosley" to drop hints... Just to be safe I think I should go buy that gorgeous new coat I have been eyeing in case I need to jet to Europe at a moments notice.

The kids were thrilled when 12:30 rolled around and their most beloved babysitter came over.

I went to Kohl's to do some last minute shopping for kitchen appliances that I knew would be on sale. It really is true that I live in my own little world because talk about shock and awe! I could not believe the crowd. I guess people really DO wait until the last minute to buy holiday gifts.... I was just heading out to get stuff because I needed (wanted) it.

When I got home from Kohl's, there was a message on my machine from the director of Adam's school asking how Adam was and left word that "Adam had the starring role as the only Jewish boy in the class holiday show."


I asked Adam if he knew about the class show and he had no clue what I was talking about. I think the director was just trying to make me feel guilty for not showing up because I had signed up to bring in an antipasto platter. (My kids' schools use me for food.)

Anyway, I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, a continued Happy Hanukkah, and a happy Festivus for those who may celebrate that.


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Monday, December 22, 2008


Today was so cold out that I did not even entertain the thought of taking my kids to school. I decided that if ever there were a day to try home schooling, today would be that day.

I started the day with home ec. We made breakfast. Oatmeal with flax seeds. Ellie ate it with brown sugar. Adam flushed it down the toilet.

After breakfast, I had Ellie and Adam drag chairs over to the sink and wash the dishes. Then it was "craft time." We made four pots of homemade play dough. Adam made blue and green, and Ellie made two pots of pink. We sat around the table making dinosaurs and jungle animals. (It was only 8:08 am and I was thinking that if I hurried, I could still make it to their schools by drop off time.)

By 8:15 craft time was over and it was time for lunch. In Europe. But we live in New York, so too early to eat.

I decided it was phys ed. time. I had the kids change in to warm-ups and I changed in to my nicest tennis skirt. I told them to meet in the upstairs tv room with water bottles and towels.

So, by 8:27 am the three of us were in the upstairs room just looking at each other. There was only one treadmill, and I am the fattest, so I got to use it. I had the kids do jumping jacks and push ups while I jogged for 2 miles. (They did not last more than 13 seconds), so while I jogged, I encouraged them to play with Lego's. That worked.

I jogged, then did my ab workout, then my arm workout, and then ran up and down the stairs 5 times in a row. I got back on the treadmill for a 2 minute jog, then more abs and arms, and another 5 stairs.

Then it was time for me to lie on the ground and teach the kids about dialing 911. Which led to a mini lesson about our address, phone number and last name.

It was 9:09 am.

I had the kids make their beds and clean up their rooms, and told them that I would do the same. This was an activity that actually took a while, and I told them "whoever has the cleanest room at the end gets to choose the next activity." (That's probably how teachers decide what comes next in their day too, right? The best behaved/ cleanest kid picks what comes next??!?)

At 9:45, I blew a bull horn (my dad gave me one when I was in college) and I went through the hall way announcing my arrival to their rooms. (They didn't really appreciate the humor in my saying "Police, open up!").

Then I opened up the window and bull horned across the street to my neighbor that I would not be able to make it to her house tonight for book club. (I had to call her about it anyway, and I figured the bull horn saved me a nickel.)

She yelled something back but I could not hear her so I said in to my bull horn "What? I can't hear you.... call me." (Did she really think that I would be able to hear her yelling something to me from across the street WITHOUT a bull horn?)

When the phone rang, I totally screened it because I was busy homeschooling and did not want to take time away from teaching my kids. (I know she hates me and by my not answering the phone when she KNEW I was home probably really sealed my fate with her. However, I got a chuckle out of it.)

After announcing that Adam was the clear winner of the bedroom clean up, he was awarded the honor of choosing the next activity as promised. (I try really hard not to break promises with my kids.)

He chose to play the air hockey game that Hanukkah Harry had given him the night before. That was a good choice and playing that brought us all the way to 10:20 am.

Then Adam asked if we could go outside. I told him it was "too cold." But he really wanted to go outside, so I told him it was "freeze your ass off cold." STILL he did not understand, so I told him "If mommy steps one foot outside in this weather, she will drop dead of a heart attack." To which he replied "That's okay, I know how to call 911."

Wise ass.

I told Adam and Ellie that it was too cold "for realz" and that to prove it, we could do a science experiment. I got three cups of water, let the two of them put food coloring in to their respective cups and I kept my water clear. Ellie made red, Adam made green and we put the cups outside to see how long they took freeze. (I have to tell you, I was quite impressed that by 11am, I had already covered, home ec, phys ed, housekeeping and now science.)

At 11:30 I turned on the television for them. The Princess Bride. They were good to go. I got a little Facebook time in and was able to make some business calls.

When it was lunch time, the three of us sat down to grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches on whole wheat with carrots and celery stix and HUGE blackberries for dessert.

We then did a load of laundry and I taught the kids to sing "It's a Hard Knock Life For Us" from Annie. (That was because they started to whine a little for having to do chores.)

We checked the water an hour and half after we put it outside and Ellie's was the only one that was turning to ice. They asked me why. I had no fucking clue and at that point I was starting to eye the bottle of wine on the shelf, when just then the doorbell rang.

It was the mail man!!!!!! Hallelujah!

The kids thought it was a "special assembly." They asked the mail man a few questions like "Do you get cold?" "Do you like to drive?" "Where do you eat your lunch?" But the all time winner of questions had to be Adam who asked "Can you drive me to school?"

Anyway, the rest of the day went well, it really did.

I turned on the indoor jumping castle, and the kids got their exercise in and after that, they sat and read books for "library time."

They really are good kids and even thought the morning DRAGGED on forever, the afternoon kind of flew. They are asleep now (7:45pm) and I will be turning in too. I will be at the pool by 5:15 in the morning, and then the kids have one day of school before the Christmas break.

Having today under my belt empowered me and I realized that I could do it again if I had to, but to do it for 10 days in a row will be tough. That is why I am so very glad that Christy is home and can babysit for a few hours here and there.

All in all, it was a great day, and I really did have fun. And it proves that I really do have the best job in the world.

However, I could NEVER EVER home school my kids. Not being able to answer the question about ice proved it. And g-d forbid I had to do real math.

Ciao, ciao.

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

4 + 2 = 5

Okay, in going back and reading my past blogs, I see that I curse an awful lot. My mother would be appalled and would no doubt call in child protective services. However, while I feel that cursing is classless, it is also very cathartic and not meant to hurt anyone.

In fact, I would rather my children curse than use hurtful words.

Last year when we were running late in getting to school, Adam directed Ellie to "get in the car, you fucking loser." I had to tell him that "loser" was NOT a word we use in this house.

Words that are banned from being used in my house are "stupid," shut up," "idiot," "fatty," and "ignorant." Just to name a few.

But cursing does not bother me as much as it does some other parents. Of course the day that one of my kids calls the teacher "fucker", I will have to re-think my logic.

I will try to curb my cursing for these blogs, but when it seems appropriate, I may throw one in.


Yesterday the kids and I spent a lot of time outside playing in the snow. Well, when I say "a lot of time," I really mean 20 minutes. I froze my tuchus off and invited the kids inside to make potato latkes and have some chicken soup.

I got no takers. Adam told met that he wanted hot chocolate like "all the other NORMAL neighborhood kids", but I really hate giving my kids sugar. So I re-offered the latke and soup invitation and Ellie caved.

Adam decided to stay outside and play which was fine with me. He has gotten very good at making snow balls. (I guess boys and balls go hand-in-hand.) Adam has also perfected the making of snow angels. He is in the imagination stage, so he was 100% fine to be outside playing and creating imaginary snow fight scenarios.

So Ellie and I went inside and started making latkes and chicken soup. (I say "making chicken soup" with liberty... I really just heated some up from a can.)

After an hour, I begged Adam to come inside. "Nope, not yet" he said. I was actually quite impressed with what he had going on out there, so I joined him outside for a while (10 minutes) and then again offered to have him come inside. Still no.

So I offered to give him cheese sticks. (What kid doesn't love cheese sticks?) "No, thank you," he said.

So he continued playing outside. Ellie and I pulled up chairs to the windows to watch him just in case hypothermia started to set in and he started acting weird.

This kid would NOT come inside and it started getting to the point where I was getting concerned. I thought it was too cold outside for extended play, but the mom accross the street with a gaggle of kids decided to just then send her kids outside to play, so of course there was no way I was going to get Adam in at that point.

After ANOTHER hour and 15 latkes later (I did not eat 15, just made 15) I again tried my luck with getting Adam inside. This time he and the neighbor's little shits, I mean kids, belted me with snow balls.

I tried to reason with Adam. It was going on 4 hours of his being outside and I had started to pull up articles of "death by exposure to cold air" on the Internet and the information scared me. I started asking Adam simple questions like "What is your name?" and "Who am I?" He passed those with flying colors but when I started asking him what 4+2 equaled, he came up with 5.

I knew it was time to get this kid inside. According to the article on hypothermia, first your brain freezes and and then it all goes downhill from there.

This time I offered to give Adam hot chocolate (I'm not a fan, but every mother has hot cocoa for their kids somewhere in the pantry). He refused. I offered him a grilled cheese sandwich. I got nothing. Chips? Hanukkah presents? Chocolate gelt?

NOTHING WOULD GET THIS KID INSIDE, so I had to think fast. I said to myself "what would my dad do?"

So I offered him a beer and a Playboy magazine.

Thank g-d Adam gave me a look like "what the f**K??" But then I got nervous that his brain was frozen so I took things in to my own hands and picked him up and brought him inside. Ellie was cheering me on and it turned out that Adam really was very happy to be inside. He ate his latkes and a big bowl of soup. I gave him a nice warm bath and he and Ellie played really well together for the rest of the day.

I was psyched when it was bedtime and I was glad that no Hanukkah gifts had to be spared to lure Adam in. I also asked him after he warmed up "how much is 4+2?" and his answer remained the same. "5." (He is so my kid.) However I was nervous that any moment he would take me up on the offer of a beer.

The only downside to this story is that Adam has the most horrendous cough this morning and I am waiting for the doctors office to open to bring him in. I am just hoping the cough is not pneumonia. The Internet has helped me rule out Hepatitis and Whooping cough. And even E-bola.

Okay, until later.

Ciao, ciao.

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Friday, December 19, 2008

The Right To Assemble

Today school was canceled due to a snow storm that finally decided to arrive well after the kids could have easily attended a full day of school. NO worries. I love snow days. Somehow a snow day is different from a weekend, don't ask why. (Perhaps it is because my soap opera is on.)

Anyway, the kids assembled and decorated 4 gingerbread houses and I assembled one huge ass doll house for Ellie all by myself. It had 103 parts to assemble, and I did it in 2 hours. And it actually looks exactly as it should, as opposed to the play kitchen that I assembled myself and it ended up looking more like modern art than anything else.

I put the doll house in Ellie's room and removed her Rose Petal Cottage (big Hannukah gift from last hear that she never fucking played in). Of course, as soon as I took the Rose Petal Cottage out of her room, it was all she wanted to play with. Go figure.

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Thursday, December 18, 2008

$1 Latkes

Okay, first of all the training session with E went really well yesterday. I fucking quit after 20 minutes.

This morning I went in to make potato latkes with Adam's class at his school which also happens to be at the health club. I made Ellie come with us and she totally accused me of forcing her to play hooky. Whatever. She clearly had gotten over it in the first 15 minutes and proved it to me when she came up to me mid latke-making and said "Mommy, I like boys." (My kind of girl. Although I like men, not boys, but you catch my drift.)

Anyway, 20 kids (and my daughter in heat) gathered around me to make the latkes. We grated potatoes, onions and beat some eggs. We added flour and salt and we were good to go.

I told the kids all about the story of Hanukkah to which I heard a chorus of "Christmas is better" and even one kid chimed in "Christmas kicks Hannukah's ass" (Thanks Adam).

The director of the school came in to tell me that everyone was asking what smelled so good, and that the smell was permeating the club. She asked if there were any extras if she could pass the latkes out to some of the staff.

So, because I am no dummy (other than making a huge mistake by going to Costco the weekend before Christmas and the day before a huge snow storm), I told her "I will sell my latkes for $1.00 each."

I made $13 today. Nice. I really am Martha Jewart.

As I write this, the kids are asleep and I realize now would be a great time to hop on the treadmill and kick my own ass, so that is exactly what I will do.

Ciao, ciao for now.

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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Swimming in the 'ool

Okay, so this is the entry for today. I got up at 4:45 am and put on my bathing suit and sweats. I drove to the club in complete darkness and was pretty sure that I saw a UFO flying over the Saw Mill Parkway at some point, but I did not slow down to investigate (g-d forbid I was not the THIRD person to arrive at the club).

My boy Simon (he is from Australia (gorgeous) and arrives every day in a limo) was there to greet me at 5:05. I say "greet me" loosely, as I kind of think he is there for himself, not so much for me. But he is always very kind to me and says "hi" in only a way that Simon can. He completes me.

Anyway, I swam my laps, and at some point took my bathing cap off and was a bit of a recluse in breaking the ONE rule that applies to swimmers (you must wear a bathing cap). But now that I am in with the owner, I said to myself "fuck it, I am breaking this rule."

I can only trust that the unwritten rule of NOT peeing in the pool is understood by everyone.

After my swim, I showered and applied my own body lotion because as I mentioned yesterday, I smelled like a NYC cabbie. I smelled like a tropical coconut with an undeterminable other scent. I was not digging it. Anyway, today my cream smelled like cleanliness.

I left the gym, came home, prepared breakfast and got the kids ready for school. After dropping the kids off, I raced home, emptied the dishwasher, LOADED the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and got ready for my trainer. By getting ready for my trainer, I put on an all 80's XM station and threw my hair back in a pony tail. I also quickly shaved from my ankles to my mid-calf for when he stretched me out and has to grab around my ankles.

When my trainer arrived, I impressed him with my progress in cardio. I really did actually work out this week on my own aside from the swimming.

And then I made the dumb ass mistake of telling him that I think he has been slacking with my abdominal work.

The fucker had me get on the floor and do an abdominal workout that I don't even thing Sugar Ray Leonard could keep up with. HE THEN PICKED UP A MEDICINE BALL OUT OF HIS MARY FUCKING POPPINS BAG AND DROPPED IT ON MY STOMACH!!! He proceeded to do this 25 fucking times and each time told me to "tighten up my abs!!"

Well, excuse me, but don't you think that if I was in the shape to do this, I may NOT have thought that we needed to concentrate on my abs to begin with???!?!?!?!?!

All I know is that with each drop of the medicine ball, my boobs inflated even more and I swear once with one of the drops I think my head almost popped off.

Bottom line is he killed me today. Absofuckinglutely killed me.

I WAS going to ask him to start concentrating on my butt too, but who knows what kind of sadomasochistic behavior he would come up with????

Anyway, I am home and after I complete this I will prepare dinner... roast garlic chicken with roasted root vegetables, and homemade creamed spinach. With a BIG glass of red wine.

Of course I will tell my trainer that I ate an egg white omelette for dinner and drank a large glass of ice water with lemon.


Okay, carry on.


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Monday, December 15, 2008

Dead Weight

Okay, as soon as the sun rises, I will go outside and take a photo of the deer that had to be dragged off of my front yard and put into the woods.

The police would not come and dispose of the deer because it was on private property, so I had to put on industrial strength gardening gloves and drag by one hoof the deer in to the woods.

I had to call my super shady neighbor to help, as the term "dead weight" literally means dead things weigh a lot.

I am still a little spooked that my Facebook update on Saturday night was about my plan to hunt the deer that were eating my shrubs. Perhaps someone read my update and took care of business for me, and left the dead deer on my lawn to show their absolute devotion.

Fuck, now I hope it is not a stalker.

Or a hairy man from the club taking leaving dead deer as a sign inferring that I am next.


Sunday, December 14, 2008

Bigger Than ButtFarts

Today I catered a party in Chappaqua, and it went really well. Then I drove to Ridgefield, CT to meet my oldest, closest friend. As we were enjoying a cup of tea, I got a voicemail from Stephen saying “There is a dead deer on the front lawn. What should I do???” all the while with the two kids screaming in the background.

I called Stephen and told him “Do NOT, under any circumstances, perform a burial for the deer. This is a much bigger deal than ButtFarts.” And I told him that we would come up with a plan when I got home.

It is now too dark to do anything with the deer. I am hoping that a coyote or mountain cat (that is rumored to be in the area) will come and take care of it for us.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Staff Development

So the meeting went well. My suggestions were met with enthusiasm.

As for the hairy men in the pool, there will now be all male and all female lanes in the pool. A sign will be posted in the men's locker room advising of the waxing and other spa services that the club offers.

As for better looking lifeguards, the owner agreed with me, but he is not the one that hires, and therefore had little to no control over it. Though, note taken and upon any firing of current staff, he will ask that resumes be sent from Ford modeling agency as well as from the local colleges (just to be fair.)

He did implore to me how imperative it is to have lifeguards that actually ARE trained in CPR and other life saving skills. Based on my boy from the hot tub, he is right.

I then went out on a limb and told him that I think the food in the clubs cafe is extremely overpriced and only average at best. I thought that he could and should take some pointers from Canyon Ranch, and that I would be happy to go there as a "Staff Development" thing.

He pointed out that I an not employed by the club and therefore would not be going on any such trip unless it was out of my pocket book.

He had a point.

Anyway, tomorrow will be a big day for me at the pool. I am planning on having Keith (current lifeguard) fired.

Alright, good night, sleep tight.


Pain in the Neck

Okay, I am writing this after my training session, but before my meeting.

I thought getting a great workout in before meeting with the club owner would be a good know, get my adrenaline pumping and what not.

Big fucking mistake.

I can not even get myself dressed now from after showering. Bending down hurts and I am just going to have to wear a towel to the meeting. Luckily towels do not require being lifted over my head, and I can wear flip-flops which do not require tying, so I am good to go.

Of course I will look like an asshole, but I ain't afraid.

My fatal mistake with the trainer was telling him that my neck is very sore from the swimming (I figured that me get me out of all things cardio), but he seemed to not give a shit, and promised to stretch my neck out at the end of the session.


BTW, I work out at home with him (kind of intimate but NOT weird) and we had the XM Satellite on. Well, after the treadmill he had me go immediately in to front squats (legs open) while pushing a big heavy medicine ball out with my arms. As soon as I squated down wouldn't you fucking know the lyric "touch me right here" came on. OY!!!!! So what do I do? I start laughing hysterically and made a mountain out of a molehill.

We completed the session (after a good hour of my complaining) (and my changing the station to a classical music station) (no lyrics) and it was time to get stretched.

He stretches me after every session, and so I know that when I see that black table come out of the bag and get unfolded he is going to stretch me. At this point I am way beyond the sexual violation part that I thought was so unusual the first time he stretched me.

For the record I used to train with him at 5:30 in the morning and my kids would watch. Just from watching the stretching alone, they now know all they need to know about sex, so I will NOT have to have THAT conversation with them in future years. (Of course my trainer and I are always fully clothed, but lets just say he takes his job of stretching very seriously.)

Anyway, because I mentioned my stiff neck today, he changed up his stretching routine. Of course I was lying down on the table, and he started by stretching my head and neck to the right and left sides of my body (as would be expected), BUT THEN HE LIFTED MY HEAD FROM BEHIND, and pushed my neck in to my chest.

All I know is that I will call my doctor later and tell her that I just preformed my own mammogram.

I have never been so up-close and personal with my breasts. I now feel like I have to buy myself dinner tonight, it just feels like the right thing to do.

I totally got to second base on myself and it was NOT what I was expecting to do today.

Okay, I am off to the meeting.

Until later.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Hot Tub

As you know, I received a lovely bathing cap from my dearest friends on my birthday. I wear a Speedo one piece when I swim, and it is a racing suit which means it is easily 3x too fucking small on me. I look like a freaking Sumo wrestler.

Anyway, this morning when I was swimming, I was in the olympic size pool doing my laps, and there was an older gentleman in the hot tun that is a few feet away from the pool. The pool area is surrounded by glass on one side which allows swimmers to look out, and fans to look in. I happened to see one of my friends walking (I could see her through the glass), and I was waving very enthusiastically to get her attention, but of course she did not see me. However the man in the hot tub thought I was waving to him, and started waving back.
I nearly died. I stayed in the pool extra long until he left. HOW EMBARRASSING!!!!!


Okay, I will be turning in now to go to bed. I have my super big meeting with the owner of the club tomorrow. I created pie charts and really nice drawings to use as visual aids. His secretary called to confirm today, and told me I only had 15 minutes. Fuck that! I think she is trying to use scare tactics on me. I am a paying member of the club, I will take my sweet time.

I am wearing a new bathing suit under a really nice bathing suit cover. I got a pedicure and a manicure. I was always told to dress for the job you want, not the job you have, so I am dressing to impress. My normal day to day uniform of amazingly worn in 501's, a white shirt and sneakers may make him not take me seriously.
I also took hair off of my dog tonight and will bring it in as "exhibit A" to show him what hairy men leave behind in the pool. I hope tomorrow goes well. Wish me luck. I had a HUGE dinner of carbs just in case he wants me to demonstrate a few laps in the pool. Until tomorrow...