What Goes Up...

So, today being Thursday, I worked out with my trainer.

I now know what he is training me for… it is quite obvious.

The Special Olympics.

First of all, I must tell you that I have rug burns on my elbows. He had me do so many g-d dammed 'Up Downs' or 'Down Ups' that I literally burned my elbows because, unlike E, I do NOT have a home gym, and we just use our upstairs TV room that has very thick carpeting.

What is a 'Down Up/ Up Down' you are wondering? It is when a fatty like me lies down on the ground, and does a “special” push up. The last time E was with me and I did them in front of her, she laughed out loud and told me I looked like a platypus. Well, excuse me Miss I-can-do-a-one-handed-push-up-while-clapping-in-between, all the while belaying off of a bouncy ball. (E takes training very seriously; and it shows while I just do it so I can eat bread at lunch.)

Anyway, what I would imagine that I look like while doing a 'Down/Up' thing would be a pot bellied pig trying to do a push up while keeping its back legs extended straight out and all its weight being supported by its toes, with its ass in the air (even though my back should be straight and level with my head)

Anyway, Rick had me do a few thousand sets of 'Down/Up' things because we were “strength training” today.

He then had me get on the treadmill for sprints. AND he had me run up and down my stairs several times in a row (6 times to be exact). AND he told me that he would not let me take a break. We did this crazy routine for an hour of switching off from treadmill to stairs, to 'Down/Ups' to abs and then started the whole routine all over again. We did the routine 6 times in an hour.

I literally grabbed his arm and hand at one point while on the last treadmill go-round and made him shout “YOU CAN DO IT!!!” And when I got off the treadmill I fell to the ground and begged him to leave. But then I said “NO, you have to stay in case I have a heart attack.”

At least he complimented me on the workout which is something I have not heard in a while.

After he left I felt so good that I had a sandwich for lunch with TWO pieces of bread, 14 tablespoons of mayonnaise and 13 ounces of turkey. I also had a 1 ounce glass of water.

I continued to treat myself by sitting on the couch to watch Days of Our Lives. I figure with this kind of training routine, I should lose 3 pounds by March.

Sweet!!!

Swimming in the 'ool

Okay, so this is the entry for today. I got up at 4:45 am and put on my bathing suit and sweats. I drove to the club in complete darkness and was pretty sure that I saw a UFO flying over the Saw Mill Parkway at some point, but I did not slow down to investigate (g-d forbid I was not the THIRD person to arrive at the club).

My boy Simon (he is from Australia (gorgeous) and arrives every day in a limo) was there to greet me at 5:05. I say "greet me" loosely, as I kind of think he is there for himself, not so much for me. But he is always very kind to me and says "hi" in only a way that Simon can. He completes me.

Anyway, I swam my laps, and at some point took my bathing cap off and was a bit of a recluse in breaking the ONE rule that applies to swimmers (you must wear a bathing cap). But now that I am in with the owner, I said to myself "fuck it, I am breaking this rule."

I can only trust that the unwritten rule of NOT peeing in the pool is understood by everyone.

After my swim, I showered and applied my own body lotion because as I mentioned yesterday, I smelled like a NYC cabbie. I smelled like a tropical coconut with an undeterminable other scent. I was not digging it. Anyway, today my cream smelled like cleanliness.

I left the gym, came home, prepared breakfast and got the kids ready for school. After dropping the kids off, I raced home, emptied the dishwasher, LOADED the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and got ready for my trainer. By getting ready for my trainer, I put on an all 80's XM station and threw my hair back in a pony tail. I also quickly shaved from my ankles to my mid-calf for when he stretched me out and has to grab around my ankles.

When my trainer arrived, I impressed him with my progress in cardio. I really did actually work out this week on my own aside from the swimming.

And then I made the dumb ass mistake of telling him that I think he has been slacking with my abdominal work.

The fucker had me get on the floor and do an abdominal workout that I don't even thing Sugar Ray Leonard could keep up with. HE THEN PICKED UP A MEDICINE BALL OUT OF HIS MARY FUCKING POPPINS BAG AND DROPPED IT ON MY STOMACH!!! He proceeded to do this 25 fucking times and each time told me to "tighten up my abs!!"

Well, excuse me, but don't you think that if I was in the shape to do this, I may NOT have thought that we needed to concentrate on my abs to begin with???!?!?!?!?!

All I know is that with each drop of the medicine ball, my boobs inflated even more and I swear once with one of the drops I think my head almost popped off.

Bottom line is he killed me today. Absofuckinglutely killed me.

I WAS going to ask him to start concentrating on my butt too, but who knows what kind of sadomasochistic behavior he would come up with????

Anyway, I am home and after I complete this I will prepare dinner... roast garlic chicken with roasted root vegetables, and homemade creamed spinach. With a BIG glass of red wine.

Of course I will tell my trainer that I ate an egg white omelette for dinner and drank a large glass of ice water with lemon.

Asshole.

Okay, carry on.

Cheers!!!

Staff Development

So the meeting went well. My suggestions were met with enthusiasm.

As for the hairy men in the pool, there will now be all male and all female lanes in the pool. A sign will be posted in the men's locker room advising of the waxing and other spa services that the club offers.

As for better looking lifeguards, the owner agreed with me, but he is not the one that hires, and therefore had little to no control over it. Though, note taken and upon any firing of current staff, he will ask that resumes be sent from Ford modeling agency as well as from the local colleges (just to be fair.)

He did implore to me how imperative it is to have lifeguards that actually ARE trained in CPR and other life saving skills. Based on my boy from the hot tub, he is right.

I then went out on a limb and told him that I think the food in the clubs cafe is extremely overpriced and only average at best. I thought that he could and should take some pointers from Canyon Ranch, and that I would be happy to go there as a "Staff Development" thing.

He pointed out that I an not employed by the club and therefore would not be going on any such trip unless it was out of my pocket book.

He had a point.

Anyway, tomorrow will be a big day for me at the pool. I am planning on having Keith (current lifeguard) fired.

Alright, good night, sleep tight.

Cheers.

Pain in the Neck

Okay, I am writing this after my training session, but before my meeting.

I thought getting a great workout in before meeting with the club owner would be a good idea...you know, get my adrenaline pumping and what not.

Big fucking mistake.

I can not even get myself dressed now from after showering. Bending down hurts and I am just going to have to wear a towel to the meeting. Luckily towels do not require being lifted over my head, and I can wear flip-flops which do not require tying, so I am good to go.

Of course I will look like an asshole, but I ain't afraid.

My fatal mistake with the trainer was telling him that my neck is very sore from the swimming (I figured that me get me out of all things cardio), but he seemed to not give a shit, and promised to stretch my neck out at the end of the session.

Fine.

BTW, I work out at home with him (kind of intimate but NOT weird) and we had the XM Satellite on. Well, after the treadmill he had me go immediately in to front squats (legs open) while pushing a big heavy medicine ball out with my arms. As soon as I squated down wouldn't you fucking know the lyric "touch me right here" came on. OY!!!!! So what do I do? I start laughing hysterically and made a mountain out of a molehill.

We completed the session (after a good hour of my complaining) (and my changing the station to a classical music station) (no lyrics) and it was time to get stretched.

He stretches me after every session, and so I know that when I see that black table come out of the bag and get unfolded he is going to stretch me. At this point I am way beyond the sexual violation part that I thought was so unusual the first time he stretched me.

For the record I used to train with him at 5:30 in the morning and my kids would watch. Just from watching the stretching alone, they now know all they need to know about sex, so I will NOT have to have THAT conversation with them in future years. (Of course my trainer and I are always fully clothed, but lets just say he takes his job of stretching very seriously.)

Anyway, because I mentioned my stiff neck today, he changed up his stretching routine. Of course I was lying down on the table, and he started by stretching my head and neck to the right and left sides of my body (as would be expected), BUT THEN HE LIFTED MY HEAD FROM BEHIND, and pushed my neck in to my chest.

All I know is that I will call my doctor later and tell her that I just preformed my own mammogram.

I have never been so up-close and personal with my breasts. I now feel like I have to buy myself dinner tonight, it just feels like the right thing to do.

I totally got to second base on myself and it was NOT what I was expecting to do today.

Okay, I am off to the meeting.

Until later.

Hot Tub

As you know, I received a lovely bathing cap from my dearest friends on my birthday. I wear a Speedo one piece when I swim, and it is a racing suit which means it is easily 3x too fucking small on me. I look like a freaking Sumo wrestler.

Anyway, this morning when I was swimming, I was in the olympic size pool doing my laps, and there was an older gentleman in the hot tun that is a few feet away from the pool. The pool area is surrounded by glass on one side which allows swimmers to look out, and fans to look in. I happened to see one of my friends walking (I could see her through the glass), and I was waving very enthusiastically to get her attention, but of course she did not see me. However the man in the hot tub thought I was waving to him, and started waving back. I nearly died. I stayed in the pool extra long until he left. HOW EMBARRASSING!!!!!

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Okay, I will be turning in now to go to bed. I have my super big meeting with the owner of the club tomorrow. I created pie charts and really nice drawings to use as visual aids. His secretary called to confirm today, and told me I only had 15 minutes. Fuck that! I think she is trying to use scare tactics on me. I am a paying member of the club, I will take my sweet time.

I am wearing a new bathing suit under a really nice bathing suit cover. I got a pedicure and a manicure. I was always told to dress for the job you want, not the job you have, so I am dressing to impress. My normal day to day uniform of amazingly worn in 501's, a white shirt and sneakers may make him not take me seriously. I also took hair off of my dog tonight and will bring it in as "exhibit A" to show him what hairy men leave behind in the pool. I hope tomorrow goes well. Wish me luck. I had a HUGE dinner of carbs just in case he wants me to demonstrate a few laps in the pool. Until tomorrow...