Sunday, December 21, 2008

4 + 2 = 5

Okay, in going back and reading my past blogs, I see that I curse an awful lot. My mother would be appalled and would no doubt call in child protective services. However, while I feel that cursing is classless, it is also very cathartic and not meant to hurt anyone.

In fact, I would rather my children curse than use hurtful words.

Last year when we were running late in getting to school, Adam directed Ellie to "get in the car, you fucking loser." I had to tell him that "loser" was NOT a word we use in this house.

Words that are banned from being used in my house are "stupid," shut up," "idiot," "fatty," and "ignorant." Just to name a few.

But cursing does not bother me as much as it does some other parents. Of course the day that one of my kids calls the teacher "fucker", I will have to re-think my logic.

I will try to curb my cursing for these blogs, but when it seems appropriate, I may throw one in.


Yesterday the kids and I spent a lot of time outside playing in the snow. Well, when I say "a lot of time," I really mean 20 minutes. I froze my tuchus off and invited the kids inside to make potato latkes and have some chicken soup.

I got no takers. Adam told met that he wanted hot chocolate like "all the other NORMAL neighborhood kids", but I really hate giving my kids sugar. So I re-offered the latke and soup invitation and Ellie caved.

Adam decided to stay outside and play which was fine with me. He has gotten very good at making snow balls. (I guess boys and balls go hand-in-hand.) Adam has also perfected the making of snow angels. He is in the imagination stage, so he was 100% fine to be outside playing and creating imaginary snow fight scenarios.

So Ellie and I went inside and started making latkes and chicken soup. (I say "making chicken soup" with liberty... I really just heated some up from a can.)

After an hour, I begged Adam to come inside. "Nope, not yet" he said. I was actually quite impressed with what he had going on out there, so I joined him outside for a while (10 minutes) and then again offered to have him come inside. Still no.

So I offered to give him cheese sticks. (What kid doesn't love cheese sticks?) "No, thank you," he said.

So he continued playing outside. Ellie and I pulled up chairs to the windows to watch him just in case hypothermia started to set in and he started acting weird.

This kid would NOT come inside and it started getting to the point where I was getting concerned. I thought it was too cold outside for extended play, but the mom accross the street with a gaggle of kids decided to just then send her kids outside to play, so of course there was no way I was going to get Adam in at that point.

After ANOTHER hour and 15 latkes later (I did not eat 15, just made 15) I again tried my luck with getting Adam inside. This time he and the neighbor's little shits, I mean kids, belted me with snow balls.

I tried to reason with Adam. It was going on 4 hours of his being outside and I had started to pull up articles of "death by exposure to cold air" on the Internet and the information scared me. I started asking Adam simple questions like "What is your name?" and "Who am I?" He passed those with flying colors but when I started asking him what 4+2 equaled, he came up with 5.

I knew it was time to get this kid inside. According to the article on hypothermia, first your brain freezes and and then it all goes downhill from there.

This time I offered to give Adam hot chocolate (I'm not a fan, but every mother has hot cocoa for their kids somewhere in the pantry). He refused. I offered him a grilled cheese sandwich. I got nothing. Chips? Hanukkah presents? Chocolate gelt?

NOTHING WOULD GET THIS KID INSIDE, so I had to think fast. I said to myself "what would my dad do?"

So I offered him a beer and a Playboy magazine.

Thank g-d Adam gave me a look like "what the f**K??" But then I got nervous that his brain was frozen so I took things in to my own hands and picked him up and brought him inside. Ellie was cheering me on and it turned out that Adam really was very happy to be inside. He ate his latkes and a big bowl of soup. I gave him a nice warm bath and he and Ellie played really well together for the rest of the day.

I was psyched when it was bedtime and I was glad that no Hanukkah gifts had to be spared to lure Adam in. I also asked him after he warmed up "how much is 4+2?" and his answer remained the same. "5." (He is so my kid.) However I was nervous that any moment he would take me up on the offer of a beer.

The only downside to this story is that Adam has the most horrendous cough this morning and I am waiting for the doctors office to open to bring him in. I am just hoping the cough is not pneumonia. The Internet has helped me rule out Hepatitis and Whooping cough. And even E-bola.

Okay, until later.

Ciao, ciao.

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