Get Lost

Here is what is going on with me today.

I decided to go for a walk by myself after dropping the kids off at their respective schools. It is the most gorgeous fall day here and I did not want to be inside in the gym and plus my horoscope said I needed "fresh air"...

Anyway, I started on the walk that I am very familiar with, but also a little bored of, so when I came to a fork in the road, I forked right.

It was a great call. It was a nice incline with the most amazing tasteful estates to look at. I was listening to my iPod and life was good.

Then, 45 minutes in to it, I got so fucking lost I ended up on the highway!!!!! I remembered that I had my phone. No, not to call 911, but to use the navigation system. For the first time, I was glad that I pay an ungodly amount per month for it because it really came in handy. Not that I was in the worst neighborhood, but because I was starting to get hungry and I had no idea where the heck I was.

I was able to navigate my way off the highway, and it said I only had 4.5 miles to go before I reached my destination!!!!!!

WTF???

Knowing that, I panicked and talked myself into being starving. I got light-headed and considered calling 911.

But then I remembered my days as a camper and recalled that you could eat some grasses and berries. Something about 'shrooms too??!?!

I walked a little further and saw a bunch of day laborers building stone pillars for one of the mansions. I figured I could learn something new if I observed them, so I set up camp. I picked a few berries, learned a little Spanish, stole an enchilada out of one of the guys backpacks and I was good to go.

I knew exactly which direction to go in, and I figured it would take about an hour and 20 minutes.

It would have if it was flat!

There, ahead of me, was the biggest hill I had ever seen. In fact, it was a mountain. I psyched myself up for it and Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation" came on which I thought was ironic because really, who the hell was I talking to?

I started up the mountain. I was freekin' dying in about 2 minutes so I said " I will pick up a walking stick" and then laughed because I realized I was having a conversation.

The walking stick helped a little, but it was a sucky motivator and it made me feel like I was 100 years old so I dropped the stick and forged on while panting and crossing myself (even though I am Jewish).

Then I turned around.

No, not to go down the hill and give up, but to work out my ass muscles.

Let me just say that had I been facing forward I would have seen my friend approaching and I would have flagged her down for a ride, but instead I saw her fly down the mountain-hill leaving me in the dust.

No worries... my navigation system said 4.2 miles left. Fucking phew!!!!

I made it back battered and bruised and I barely have enough strength to hoist myself into the Sequoia. The only thing motivating me to do it was lunch.