Free as a Turd

Tonight the kids wanted ice cream, so at around 6:30 I put them in the car and headed out for Carvel. For those of you who know me well, know this in and of itself is HUGE 'cause I think sugar is poison for kids.

Anyway, about five houses away from our driveway, on the passenger side of the car, I noticed a turtle on the side of the road. So, as I kept driving my inner voice kept saying "Bitch, some other SUV driver is gonna crush that poor thing to death." For a second I battled back and forth about giving a shit, and then realized what I HAD to do... I made a big u-ey in the road, made a 180 in the Sequoia and went back to the turtle.

I put the hazards on and pulled the car over much to the excitement and curiosity of Adam and Ellie. I crossed the street and picked up the turtle and brought him back to the car. Ellie screamed so loudly and I think may have even pooped in her pants, but Adam was super interested...

So, we drove back to our house because Adam and I decided that we should put the turtle ("Turd" as Adam quickly Christened him [or her]) in the stream on our property. After Ellie took a few hits of oxygen and pulled herself together, we walked to the stream to put Turd back with his mom, dad and sister. I placed Turd on the grass near the stream. Adam petted his shell and Ellie declared "I love Turdy!"

Turd poked his head out and started to make the three foot walk to the stream. At that point, Adam suddenly remembered that we were going out for ice cream, picked Turd up and threw him in to the stream. Now I was the one screaming, Ellie was hysterical and Adam was extremely proud of his very "male" effort to put Turd back where he belonged. I checked to see if Turd was okay, but without spending too much time dwelling over it, decided that Turd was dead and would have been better off if I had left him on the road.

We went to get ice cream. But to punish Adam for killing the turtle, I made him get raisin ice cream.

However, upon our return home, we checked in the stream and Turd was no longer there, so perhaps he DID survive and in fact I HAD done the right thing.

Tomorrow I am totally signing myself up for nature classes. I think I have finally found my calling.

Dr. L. Panel

Today Stephen wrote his own ticket to divorce court. And if I were to get a female judge, I would make out like a freekin’ bandit.

We applied for a fence permit for the area in front of our house that runs the perimeter of the road. All we want is a simple white fence, but in this glorious town of ours, we are required by law (and they don’t fuck around) to get a permit.

This morning I came downstairs in to my kitchen to find a note from Stephen attached to the fence application form to “please drop off at town hall.” I quickly glanced over it and this is how he had filled it out:

Address of property: (he gave our address)

Town of property: (he told them the town we live in)

Description of fence: (he did this fairly accurately)

Location of fence: (and the mother fucking moron wrote “Katonah, NY")

I had to cross that out and write “the fence will run along the front property line adjacent to the street."

This was ALMOST as good as the time that Stephen got upset with the local medical group over billing me for a doctor that I had never seen. He said “Didi, who is this Dr. Lipid Panel?”

I said “Lipid Panel??!?!?! LIPID PANEL????!“

He thought that when the lab sent my blood out to be tested and it was charged as “lipid panel “, it was really for an Indian doctor named Dr. Lipid Panel. (He was pronouncing it Lipid Pannell.)

Genius. I married a g-d dammed genius.