Monday, January 19, 2009

It's a Hard Knock Life

So today my mom took me to Greenwich for my birthday present. It was a much belated birthday present, but for good reason. See, my mom feels that every stay-at-home mom needs, NEEDS a monogrammed cashmere sweater. And the only place good enough to find said sweater is in Greenwich, Connecticut.

My mom and I went there on my actual birthday but we had to go back because they had to special order my size. Yes people. I am too fat for "off the shelf" in Greenwich, CT. However the day we were there on my birthday we made the color selection of the sweater and monogrammed initials. Navy blue and raspberry sorbet. Well, who am I kidding when I say "raspberry sorbet?" It is Greenwich we are talking about, and the sales woman was quick to translate "raspberry sorbet" to "Cosmopolitan" pink. And I also think she may have made a special note to the monogrammer to use the initials "J" "E" "W".

Anyway, after trying on my size "fat" sweater, all we had left to do was pay, so my mom sent me to the register with her credit card. The total came to $750.

I said to the sales woman, "Oh, no, I am only buying ONE sweater."

To which she said "$750 please."

I said "Are you fucking kidding me?"

To which she said "not at all, you ignorant slut bitch."

Luckily my mom did not hear any of this exchange, as she was too busy trying on sweaters for herself. But I walked over to my mom and said "I am really uncomfortable about this." She said "It is a birthday gift, please just accept it and take care of it."

TAKE CARE OF IT??!!! I am too nervous to wear it, and I am thinking of taking out an insurance policy on it. And by the way, doesn't my mother realize that I am a mother of two young kids and my car not only is a mess and smells like ass, but my house is not much better.

"Take care of it." Who is she fucking kidding?? I give it two days before Ellie gets Elmer's glue all over it with some sort of homemade play dough getting dried on to it.

"Take care of it." I am still (6 hours later) trying to get over the cost of it. The good news is that I have 6-8 weeks to get over the cost because they hand make it in Scotland. And as my very pleasant sales woman told me, "they hand stitch the monogrammed letters, so it is just as beautiful from the inside out." Well, note to the fucking sales lady.... I am not wearing a $750 sweater inside out.

Anyway, the day progressed with my having my car breakdown while driving back from Greenwich, so my mom continued in her car to pick Ellie up from school. While dealing with an absolute panic attack, while driving a car that I thought was going to spontaneously combust at any minute, my cell phone rang. It was my mother PISSED off at me and telling me how irresponsible and lazy I was and that I am clearly the laziest mother around. I still did not know what she was talking about and I was thinking to myself "does this mean no sweater??!!" when I realized just at that moment that I had forgotten to tell my mom that it was pajama day at Ellie's school.

My mom honestly thought that I had sent Ellie to school in pajamas. (Well I did do that once, but that was only because I confused which kid had pajama day at which school.)

Anyway when that mini-crisis ended and my mom met me at the dealership, she drove Ellie and me to pick up Adam from school. We were listening to Annie. Ellie was singing "It's a Hard Knock Life" and my mom said "that's right Ellie, you sing it... These are tough times and it IS a hard knock life."


Anyway, I have to go to bed. I am beyond tired. I learned a couple of important things today: I am fat and I am never going shopping in Greenwich again. Ever. Even sale items started at $500 for crying out loud.

I just hope that if I am wearing my new monogrammed sweater around my mom that no one dares ask if it is J.Crew.


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