Tuesday, January 20, 2009


So today I went to the doctor. I booked a "same day" appointment which is unheard of unless you have major clout, or are seriously ill.

I told the nurse when I called first thing this morning "I need to book an appointment immediately." She asked why. I explained that I seem to have gained 8 pounds in a month and the only change I have made has been adding Metamucil and taking Prilosec OTC. (I have heartburn.) (The Metamucil is for something else...)

Anyway, the nurse explained that the doctor would not be able to see me for two weeks. I explained that I have a heart condition (true) and that I really felt that I needed to be seen today.

E totally backed me up on this and Drama asked if I could book my appointment after lunch. I told her "no, I could be dying, I have to be seen asap."

The nurse booked a 12:30 appointment so I was able to have a quick lunch with Drama as it turned out. She was very supportive of my decision to be seen by the doctor and even told me that "Yes, an 8 pound weight gain in a month sounds serious."


So when the doctor walked in (I average about 5 visits a year with her) (mostly she prescribes me meds that I never end up filling and miraculously get better) I saw her pull out a little sticky-pad thing the size of a slice of American Cheese. WHERE WAS MY FILE??!!!!?

I knew right then and there that she was not taking this appointment seriously. I explained to her that I had Googled "Prilosec and weight gain" and that there was a .01% rate of people complaining of weight gain per 1 million people taking it. Well again, not being very good at math, I explained to the doctor "clearly I am NOT the first person to complain of weight gain while taking this drug. Just look at the stats."

She jotted something down with her pencil which I swear had no point and I continued to tell her that "every time I take the Metamucil, I feel like I have a stroke within minutes of drinking the full glass."

Again, she jotted something down.

And to confirm my stroke theory I explained that "the other day when I was watching my soap opera, my lip twitched."

At that point she put her pad of stickies down, stood up and came towards me. She asked me to close my eyes and put my finger tips on my nose. "Oh good, I was hoping she would ask this one" I thought. (I always practice this between physical check-ups and I was pretty sure I would ace it.) She listened to my heart, took other vital stats and told me that I was "fine."

She then started questioning my diet and exercise routine. I explained that I thought that was "kind of personal," but she kept asking.

Bottom line was she felt that my problem was as follows:

I am 37.

My metabolism has slowed.

I eat like crap.

I don't exercise enough.

I told her that I would need a second opinion before making any dietary or physical changes. She respected that. I asked her for a phone number of another physician she would recommend and she obliged.

On the way out the receptionist asked me to pay the $20 co-pay. I told her "I am pretty sure I have been misdiagnosed, so I don't feel that I should pay," and walked out in to the hallway.
I took the elevator one flight down (who was she to say I don't exercise???!!!)

Anyway, when I got the the lobby, I called E and told her what the good doctor had said. "Uh-uh, no way" E said. She continued to stay on the phone with me as I walked through the lobby and when I got to the automatic sliding doors, they would not open. I was still on the phone with E so I said "These fucking doors will not even open!" To which my best friend said "SEE!!! You are so skinny that your weight does not even register to open the doors!"

That is why I love her!!!

Well I stood at the door waving my arms trying to catch the automatic eye so it would open the door.

Nothing worked. So I went back to the concierge and explained that the automatic door was not opening. She said "that is because it is manual, dear, you have to push it."

E heard this and laughed and suggested that maybe I should go back up to the doctor and ask if I had brain damage.

Anyway, when I got home, I called the number my doctor had given me to book another appointment.

After two rings the person on other end picked up and said "Jenny Craig, how may I help you?"

That doctor sure got me!!!!!

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